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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24189352">Immortal</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrift_Writer/pseuds/Adrift_Writer'>Adrift_Writer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Darvey - Fandom, Suits (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Darvey - Freeform, F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:28:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>47,927</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24189352</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrift_Writer/pseuds/Adrift_Writer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"The last time he had seen her was when he said "You know I love you, Donna" and fled, leaving her looking at him completely baffled. If he had known what would come after that, he would have stayed." - Set after 415 - #Darvey</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Donna Paulsen &amp; Harvey Specter, Donna Paulsen &amp; Mike Ross &amp; Harvey Specter &amp; Rachel Zane, Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter, Donna Paulsen/Rachel Zane</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Your presence still lingers here</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first fic, so be kind. Cassie, thank you so much for your comments and advice. I really intend to continue this, I have a lot written already, so you can expect a weekly update.<br/>Some of this was borrowed from the script of another TV series called ALIAS. I decided to create an AU mixing my favorite TV shows. The story will continue since I’ve written some chapters already. It's T rated but will probably shift to M. I own nothing but a very weird brain.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He opened the door, looking at the floor. He was not prepared to see her. Even though they had told him she was there, he could not believe it was actually true. The last time he had seen her was when he said "You know I love you, Donna" and fled, leaving her looking at him completely baffled. If he had known what would come after that, he would have stayed. He would have held her as if for dear life. He would have kissed her, touched her, and told her she was everything. Because she is everything. But no. Not anymore. He could not think like that.</p>
<p>As soon as their eyes met, she stood up and wrapped her arms around his neck. He did not have the chance to look at her properly, but he saw tears in her eyes when he dared to look up. He was just frowning. It was too much. Too much to bear. Her scent was intoxicating, and he had to keep his distance. She kept pulling him closer into her embrace. She was slightly thinner than he remembered, but stronger. He could feel her arms as he unwrapped her from him and guided her to sit on the chair of the small moldy room.</p>
<p>He wouldn't meet her eyes. Still frowning, he felt sweat run down his spine and a panic attack. He swallowed the bile that was threatening to rise and kept looking at his shoes. He could feel her gaze on him. Reading him like she used to do. A few moments had passed and he couldn't hold it anymore.</p>
<p>"Don..."</p>
<p>But she cut him off.</p>
<p>"Why are you wearing that ring?"</p>
<p>His heart skipped a beat. The conversation was not supposed to go this way. So he started with the second most difficult thing he would have to tell her.</p>
<p>"Since that night..." he took a deep breath, getting the courage to say what had to be said, "...you've been missing for almost two years."</p>
<p>"What?" She said in barely a whisper.</p>
<p>"Two years ago I went to your apartment... to talk..." he gasped. It was difficult to relive his experience. And on top of it, he was a coward who couldn't deliver all the news that would break the woman he used to love. He was a coward who couldn't look her in the eyes. He wasn't brave enough.</p>
<p>"...but in the morning..." he took the breath he didn't know he was holding. "... in the morning I got a call from the FBI saying there was a terrorist attack at the bar we met." She was looking at him bewildered. Without blinking and without breathing. Her jaw was clenched while she heard a story that did not belong to her and yet was part of her life. "They said you were there and did not survive." As soon as he finished, he dared to look at her and got up fast, in time to catch her collapse on the ground.</p>
<p>
  <em>And if you have to leave</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I wish that you would just leave</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>'Cause your presence still lingers here</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And it won't leave me alone</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>(My Immortal - Evanescence)</em>
</p>
<p>After that, all she remembered was blurry. She remembered an ambulance, but not the ride to the hospital. She remembered seeing her father and mother, Rachel, and Mike, even Louis, and Jessica, but not what they said to her. He wasn't there. He didn't visit her, like the coward he was. Yet he was her everything. What changed to make him give up on her like that was what kept her awake at night. She would only sleep if the doctors gave her the heavy stuff. They would try to make her talk, but it was futile. She couldn't understand what they were saying, but she could bet what it was. Everybody wanted to know what happened in the last two years; the hospital, the cops, her friends, her family, and herself. Aside from him, not knowing what had happened to herself was also what kept her awake at night. She couldn't remember a single thing.</p>
<p>That night, after he left her saying, "You know I love you, Donna," she grabbed her coat and went to the bar they met, ordered a Macallan 18 and probably another. And another. After that, everything was kind of hazy but she could remember going back home, couldn't she?</p>
<p>She remembered leaving and going to her apartment, or did she?</p>
<p>But she certainly didn't remember if she passed through her door.</p>
<p>As much as she tried to remember, she couldn't. Something happened to make her lose two years of her life. And now, she did not have her best friend/boss/something. She had nothing.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>After a week they discharged her. She was already speaking and could understand the surrounding people. However, she would have to see a psychiatrist every week.</p>
<p>Rachel picked her up at the hospital with Mike on a Saturday morning. She found out, while at lunch with them, that they had gotten married and he went to prison. She was most definitely shocked by that, but happy to see them so in love and him free. She also found out that Norma died at almost the same time she had disappeared. Harvey got married four months ago, and he was now working at a small law firm that only took class actions against big firms, like the ones Harvey used to work for. Rachel still worked with Jessica, but Mike worked at the clinic with Harvey. They tried questioning her about what she remembered, but she just kept on saying the truth, "I really don't know". They persisted asking her if she was OK, and then she would just lie, "I'm OK.". During dessert, Rachel told her that her dresses, handbags, and dearest objects were in storage. Rachel had saved them all, not knowing what to do with them. She had told her her parents went there sometimes to remember her. Hearing that, she almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. While some people would always remember her, some wouldn't even give a crap. She always thought of herself as irreplaceable, but the show went on without her. She was lost.</p>
<p>"If you want, we can go there to pick your stuff..." Rachel suggested.</p>
<p>"Today?" Donna raised her gaze from her plate, looking scared, though she didn't know of what.</p>
<p>"We don't have to. I just thought..." Rachel looked at Mike, who was sitting on her left as if asking for help.</p>
<p>"No, no. It's fine. We should go. It's better to get this over with," she said, already gathering her borrowed purse and passing her hands through her borrowed skinny jeans.</p>
<p>"Well, Ladies. I'll leave you two to it then." Mike said, getting up and placing a kiss on Rachel's head. "I have some errands to run," he said looking at Rachel, having a silent conversation. "You go ahead and I'll pay the check."</p>
<p>Rachel nodded and followed Donna out of the restaurant.</p>
<p>Leaving the restaurant a few minutes after his wife and Donna, he called number two on his speed dial. "We gotta talk," avoiding pleasantries, and hearing Harvey's response. "Fine. Meet you there in five." He hung up and walked the short distance from the restaurant to the bar they usually had beers after a difficult case.</p>
<p>A couple of sips from his beer later, Mike saw Harvey entering the bar, already signing the barman for his usual drink.</p>
<p>"You have to talk to her, old man. You can't keep avoiding her forever," Mike spoke, meeting the older lawyer's gaze.</p>
<p>"I know Mike. I'll try to see her tomorrow," Harvey replied with a sigh. "How's she doing, by the way?" he continued.</p>
<p>"Not well. She says she is fine, but you know her. She won't admit how she is really feeling." Both men took a sip of their drinks in acknowledgment. "You know she thinks you hadn't gone to visit her, right?" Mike asked, trying to make the other man see how his lack of action is affecting Donna.</p>
<p>"I know, Mike. But preferred to visit her while she was sleeping. I couldn't look at her without hurting even more." Mike understood all too well. He would have spent two years without Rachel if it weren't for the strings Harvey had pulled to get him out of Danbury.</p>
<p>"How's Mrs. Specter?" the younger lawyer asked suddenly, after a few moments in silence.</p>
<p>"She's well." Harvey didn't meet Mike's eyes to answer, which said more than he intended to let on.</p>
<p>"You haven't told her, have you?" Mike pushed, already knowing the answer.</p>
<p>"I gotta go," Harvey said, placing a fifty on the counter and leaving.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Donna went with Rachel to the storage unit, not saying a word during the ride. What would one say to the other given the circumstances? So they opted for silence. The building itself was huge and looked like a huge pixel. However, her unit was tiny, with a blue lift-up door and a device to type a password.</p>
<p>Rachel looked at the redhead with glassy eyes and said, "your birthday."</p>
<p>Donna nodded and waited for the door to be unlocked. The door opened with a push and a dim light above their heads poorly illuminated the room. Looking around, Donna saw some of her belongings were inside plastic bags. There was a wooden table in the middle of the unit where a green Valentino dress, a Hermes handbag, a picture of her at a Shakespeare play, the can opener, and a dead flower were all placed side by side.</p>
<p>Rachel looked at the redhead and grabbed her shoulders as she kneeled on the ground, with her face in her hands. She started sobbing and Rachel enveloped her in her arms and also started crying. Both friends sat there for a while until both ran out of tears. No words were said; no looks were exchanged. They just stood up, grabbed some personal items, and left the unit, not knowing if they would ever go back there to take the rest.</p>
<p>Donna went to Rachel and Mike's house, hand in hand with the brunette. Both not willing to let go of each other just yet.</p>
<p>The redhead was going to live with the couple for a while until she got her own place to rent. That night, while she was laying on her back at the Ross' guest room, she felt it all.</p>
<p>There was an emptiness in her that could only be defined as grief. She was grieving for her own life, for her friends and family, and for him. She didn't have anything anymore, although Jessica assured her she would always have a place at Pearson Litt Wheeler Williams, so she at least had a job. However, her apartment was no longer hers. Even though it seemed she was gone for just a week, her things looked like they belonged to someone else. Like it belonged to a familiar and distant past. That night she allowed herself to grieve and cry until, eventually, she succumbed to exhaustion.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Wounds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"You wanna know how I am!?" she laughed bitterly and no humor reached her eyes. "I am horrible, Harvey. I've been ripped apart."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Due to Donna's "departure", I decided to change a few things, as you saw/'ll see. Thank you, Cassie, for beta-ing this story, all the encouragement and the amazing art you did to promote it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>She passed through the lobby of the building she used to call home, wearing a navy blue dress that highlighted her new physic. The building hadn't changed much, but the doorman wasn't the same. The people passing by weren't the same. She walked, head held high, and spotted him by the elevators with Louis. When did they become besties? At least Tom Ford was still a current thing, she thought. Approaching them both she kept her gaze on him, lifting one eyebrow in question.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I came by to see how you were," he answered the unspoken inquiry. She took a step closer narrowing her eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Are you kidding me?" she asked in disbelief.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No. I j-just wanted to make sure that you..." she cut him off very softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew that if she raised her voice, even a little bit, she wouldn't be able to stop screaming. She took another step closer, narrowing her gaze on him even more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You didn't come by to see how I am. You came by to see how you are. Because you know in your heart what you did and wanted to make sure you're okay," Harvey paused and looked at her, taken aback by what she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I buried you. Consider that for one second," he pleaded, even knowing it was useless. She was hurt beyond repair.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You did a pretty lousy job at burying me since I'm standing right here. And don't use rational thought as a defense with me. Not after everything. We're not in court, Harvey, you and I live and breathe madness every day on the job. There's no rational thought."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shook her head. She couldn't believe him. She looked at him with pain and disgust. Something he had never seen in her eyes. She continued,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can't even pretend to have a conversation about anything else with you. " she gasped, but continued with a strained voice "What comes down to is faith!" His face showed no apparent emotion, yet, she could read him like a book. His lips were pursed, his eyebrows were furrowed. Pain, shock, and a bit of anger were reflected in his eyes."What I was hoping you would say is, 'Donna, I gave up. I lost faith'."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was looking even more hurt and upset, and yet she wouldn't dare raise her voice."What you wanted ... was closure...and there is not a chance you are getting that from me! "</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Harvey was still pensive, looking hurt and tense. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was having a harder time keeping her emotions out of her voice now; her voice was strained, hoarse, and still low.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm not gonna say I understand... I'm not gonna sympathize with you and tell you how hard it must be for YOU... but... You wanna know how I am!?" she laughed bitterly and no humor reached her eyes. "I am horrible, Harvey. I've been ripped apart," a strained whisper left her mouth," because...if it had been me... " the tears she was desperately trying to hold back clouded Donna's eyes and she gasped, "I would have waited... Like I waited for the last ten... Oh, sorry! Twelve years." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Louis just kept staring at the couple, mouth agape, unable to move.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Harvey blinked several times, swallowing painfully. Pain, regret, and loss echoed in his eyes. He was trying to hold back tears himself. Holding back the sobs in her voice now, Donna continued, "I would have found the truth...I wouldn't have given up on you! " betrayal lighted her face. She was bolstering with anger herself. A hardness gleamed in her eyes and through a harsh whisper, punctuated by shaky breath, she concluded walking away," and now I realize... what an absolute waste that would've been!" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Harvey looked wounded by her last remark. An empty sadness filled his eyes as he looked down with his brows furrowed and his lips in a thin line as if remembering. Louis just petted Harvey on the shoulder and guided him out of the building.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Trying to reign in her emotions, refusing to cry in front of him, she entered the elevator.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>These wounds won't seem to heal</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This pain is just too real</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There's just too much that time cannot erase</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And I held your hand through all of these years</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But you still have all of me</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>(My Immortal - Evanescence)</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>On the ride to the fiftieth floor, she let some tears fall, cleaning them with a handkerchief she had pulled out of her handbag, knowing somehow it would be needed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When did her life become a horror movie, she didn't know, but she was done with it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jessica was waiting for her by the reception desk. Her immaculate white dress accentuated her beautiful skin and features. She looked at Donna and knew the other woman was trying her best to keep her emotions in check. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The day went by very quickly. Jessica gave her the position of COO, saying she deserved it, and if things were different, she would have gotten the position years ago anyway. However, she would have to wait to get a seat on the table, since the bonus she got to start wasn't enough to pay her cut at the firm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donna couldn't believe that she actually deserved all of that. Doubting herself and everyone around her was something she would have to get passed but despite her emotions, she accepted the offer. This firm, and people like Jessica, Louis, and Rachel made her feel safe. And safety was something she had also lost.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She would have an office now and space to fill (with things she did not have anymore). But she met Alex, Samantha, and other people like Gretchen and some associates, who seemed nice but looked at her strangely, probably already knowing her history.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Overwhelmed was an understatement of what she was feeling. Sure, she was glad, but to what expense did she get all of it, she didn't know. And she was tired of not knowing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In her empty office, with the sun already set and some employees' personal files in hand, she knew what she had to do, or better, who she would have to reach, spotting the blonde walk by her glass door, </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Samantha!" she called, making the senior partner halt her step and enter the empty, barely lit room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Donna, hey! Nice office! Can't wait to see what you'll do with it."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Thanks, but I need you to do something for me. I know we don't know each other, but I'm willing to pay you for your service. And you also can't tell anyone," Donna said, in one breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Tell me what you need," Wheeler demanded without hesitation. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donna had read all about the blonde's past and she could bet there wasn't a thing Samantha couldn't do when it came to uncovering the truth.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I need you to investigate the last two years of my life."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The lawyer wasn't surprised. She also knew Donna had been considered dead. Had helped people fake their own deaths, but she'd never encountered someone who hadn't done it knowingly or had it done to them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I figured you would ask me something like that," she said with a smirk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Tell you what," she continued, "I'll do some digging and see what I can find. Then we discuss payment."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donna was taken aback by her willingness. She thought it would require more persuasion to convince the partner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thing was, Samantha was dying to find out what happened to the woman and she also wanted to know what kind of person the redhead was since she would have to work with her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Thank you, Samantha." The now COO said, with kindness in her eyes. Samantha nodded and headed her way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After talking to Samantha, Donna went home to bed and slept at a reasonable hour for the first time in two weeks. However, some dreams gave her a restless sleep. She dreamt about snow. A lot of snow and some kind of office which was unfamiliar to her. She also dreamt about her trip to the small room that she'd had the news of her death delivered to her. That day she opened her eyes already inside a helicopter and with a doctor telling her to stay calm. He told her some residents of Idaho had found her in an alley. The police ran the photo the hospital took of her through their facial recognition database and sent her to Manhattan. Even though the report they had found on her was said deceased, nobody said a word to her about it. She kept listening to the doctor saying she was alright and would be fine once the drugs they f</span>
  <span>ound in her system wore off. She was feeling well when she saw Harvey, just scared since she had never flown by helicopter nor woken up by a doctor before. </span>
  <span>His news was the thing that had broken her and made her wake</span>
  <span> up startled and sweating that morning. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She got up, took a shower, and went to the kitchen wearing a dark green dress. She saw Mike brewing some coffee still wearing his pajama pants and an old band t-shirt with a frown. "Good morning?" she tried. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Morning. Sleep well?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Kind of. You?" she replied sincerely. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You know, I've been wanting to talk to you alone..." he said, ignoring her question and still making coffee, "...and Rachel just went to pick up some pastries for us, so..." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What is it, Mike?" she asked harsher than intended, but she was tired of people walking on eggshells around her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Before you came back to us..." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She held her breath but remained her gaze on him standing by their kitchen island. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"He was planning on coming back to work with Jessica because there he would have more resources to find you. This was about four weeks ago when your face appeared in a newspaper." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked at him bewildered. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He finished brewing the coffee and handed her a mug sitting across from her."Everyone was shocked to see someone so similar to you in the paper. Before, we really thought you were dead," he said picking up the wrinkled newspaper, probably from how many times it was overlooked. He pointed to the picture in question. It was black and white, the focus was on a couple of farmers, but in the background, on the left corner, she saw herself, looking wide-eyed as if afraid of someone following her. She was wearing a hat and some flannel shirt, and jeans. It was definitely not her normal attire, but it was unmistakably her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Harvey was the one to see it first. And he hadn't had a panic attack in so long that when he called me I thought his mother had died," he continued with the story, even seeing her shocked expression. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She didn't know about his panic attacks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"He didn't tell his wife he saw your picture knowing she would be worried about his well being. But now he is not so sure if he would go back to the firm or keep working at the clinic." He looked at the door, worried his own wife would see them having this conversation. "Rachel didn't want me to tell you..." he explained the reason to his secrecy, "... because she said it would burden you more, but I think you should know all the facts. Especially after whatever you said to each other yesterday."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked at him questioning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"He didn't tell me anything, but I knew he went to see you and the look on his face didn't go unnoticed," he explained again, not letting her get a word out. As soon as she opened her mouth to ask about the newspaper, they heard the shuffling of keys outside, which made Donna grab the piece of paper and stuck it inside her bag before Rachel could be spotted entering the kitchen. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rachel entered her house complaining about an old lady who took forever to pay her products, not even noticing the looks Donna and Mike were exchanging. They started having breakfast as soon as the pastries were put on the kitchen island. Mike and Rachel kept on talking about something Donna was not paying attention to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was thinking about him and if she should face Harvey about the firm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her morning went by very quickly after one too many meetings and lots of paper-work to go through. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She also started looking at new places to live, but it was difficult to find a good apartment at a reasonable price in NY. It was only her first day at her job, but she had the sense that she could do it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite feeling relieved the job was something she would be able to do, there was a dull feeling in the back of her mind, for she knew she had to face Harvey eventually and it would be better to just get it over with. Thus, at her lunch break, she ditched Rachel saying she had some things to take care of and went to the clinic. She had to know about the panic attacks, about the newspaper and worst of all, about the can opener. Rachel had said only her parents and herself had been to the storage unit. How was the can opener there?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was nervous and anxious, looking at him through a panel glass. The building was not a place she would have pictured Harvey working at, but again, nothing was normal anymore. His office was way smaller than the one he had and through his window, another building could be seen. His basketballs weren't on display, but his mother's painting was hanging on the wall. She wondered who helped him hang it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Harvey looked up from his desk, noticing someone there. They could always sense when the other one was around. He was shocked to see her. His expression turned anxious and tense as if steeled against another outburst. He didn't know what to expect from her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed and she met his eyes. Entering his office, she softly, sort of wistfully and painfully asked, "You're working in the clinic, huh?  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Harvey paused, answering cautiously: "Yeah." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I know that you're thinking about coming back...to the firm," she said, avoiding common greetings. He still had the same expression on his face. Waiting to find out what she wanted and why she was there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"On the off chance that your hesitation is out of some courtesy to me...you can forget about it. I...I mean... I can handle you being there. Don't worry about me," she tried to explain. He looked off, as if in deep, troubled thought, then looked down and away, to his mother's painting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stood up from his worn leather chair and took a step or two closer to Donna, while she folded her arms across herself in a self-protective gesture. He sighed again, then spoke mildly defensive, "the other day you said I gave up on us because I didn't have faith; that somehow you didn't mean enough to me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pained, she tried to explain in a half-whisper, ignoring the 'us' part, "when I said that, I was</span>
  <span>—</span>
  <span> " </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No, let me finish." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked at him, sorrow and pain reflected in her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"After you died, I used to talk to you...like you were still around. Literally, out loud, whole conversations about...nothing..." lost in memory he continued, "the weather… should I get a new car? Should I have another drink...? " Donna was clearly hurting for him as he continued to speak, meeting her eyes, "then one day...you started answering." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head slightly, his voice turning unsteady and hoarse. "I mean, I could hear you in my head...like you were right next to me, Donna. As if we were talking through the intercom." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was holding back tears as he was. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"And although rationally I knew I was a guy who stayed up nights drinking, talking to his dead secretary and best friend... Still, I couldn't stop." Through watery eyes, he continued, "so, before you tell me you can handle me coming back to the firm, there are two things you need to know: first...is that I missed you so much... it nearly killed me." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eyes still watery, her face awash in pain and sorrow, she could barely hold his gaze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> "And second," he shook his head," is that I don't regret moving on with my life." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was devastated by what Harvey went through but she still nodded, gathered her strength, and left. Hearing him say those things broke her just as much as the news of her death. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her head was spinning when she reached the lobby with shaky legs. She didn’t expect him to say so much, but he still had moved on. He had missed her, but not enough. Not in the way she wanted him to miss her, because as far as she was concerned, two people who really care about each other, wouldn’t move on at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Donna couldn’t feel the tears on her cheeks, she only felt her heart hammering in her chest. If it wasn’t beating so fast, she would have thought it was actually broken. She touched the wall by the elevator to steady herself. That was not why she went there, but at least it was all out in the open.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you alright, ma’am?” The receptionist of the building asked, startling the redhead who hadn’t seen him approaching her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine. Thanks”, she said straightening her dress and walking out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had to move forward as he did, but first, she had to give Samantha the newspaper. In order to move on, she needed to know why she lost so much. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don’t forget to let me know what you all think.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. All the sanity in me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Harvey kneeled in front of the redhead, grabbing both her hands and putting them on his chest. "Donna, look at me. Feel my heartbeat." He said with a calmness in his voice that surprised even himself."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here we go… another chapter! An angsty one with a revelation in the end (Revelation for those who don't follow this on twitter). I hope you like it. Cassie (Follow-ur-Shadow) thank you for not calling my ideas crazy and encouraging me. xD</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A week later, after Donna handed the newspaper to Samantha, the blonde called with some news, "Donna, hey! Are you coming to the firm? Because I found a few things that I think you would like to see."</p><p>The redhead's heart skipped a beat. She wanted to know so much what had happened during those two years that she couldn't think of anything else when she wasn't at work. "I'm on my way."</p><p>Donna arrived at the firm and went to Samantha's office, without stopping by anywhere for breakfast nor her office to drop her bag. Her heart was beating so fast that she hadn't noticed a few boxes scattered in an office close to hers. She was in such a hurry she didn't smell Harvey's cologne nor see his face when she passed by his new office and didn't notice him at the corner holding his painting.</p><p>"What you got for me, Wheeler?" Donna asked breathlessly, stepping into the blonde's office without knocking.</p><p>"One of my sources gave me footage from about a year and a half ago," the lawyer said, rounding her desk and firing up her computer. "You might wanna sit to see this," she motioned to her chair for Donna to sit.</p><p>"My source got this from a terrorist group they have been trying to shut down for a while now, so this is highly classified." Donna sat and put her purse on the glass desk. "You should know these people are kenned to kidnap people who have some kind of ability."</p><p>That made Donna frown. What kind of ability did she have to make them want her?</p><p>"They also make their victims do things they wouldn't do in normal circumstances," Samantha continued.</p><p>Donna kept staring at her with a clenched jaw and her heart hammering in her chest.</p><p>"That is why the government let you walk without pressing charges..."</p><p>That final word woke Donna from her trance. "What do you mean charges? What did I do?"</p><p>Samantha closed her eyes and sighed deeply. "Look. This is not your fault. The authorities know it. So... keep that in mind, ok?" Donna nodded and turned her gaze to the screen.</p><p>Doona saw a black and white picture of an interrogation room seen from the other side of a mirror. She saw the back of three people's heads, who were safe behind the glass. They were staring at a man who was chained to a chair inside the interrogation room. There was another chair facing the man, and when Samantha pressed space on her keyboard, the picture started moving.</p><p>The three people were talking but no sound came from the speakers. And seconds later, the room door the chained man was in was opened, and Donna saw herself entering and taking the seat in front of him. They talked a bit, but it was impossible to see what they were saying. A few moments later, the eyes of the man went wide while staring at her. She saw him shaking his head and reading his lips, she recognized the words, "How did you know that?"Then, she saw herself getting up, walking to the guy and stabbing him in the stomach with a pocket knife.</p><p>Donna gasped, covering her mouth with her right hand, while her left one tightly held the chair armrest.</p><p>Black-and-white Donna turned around and kept looking at the mirror that shielded the three people. She looked emotionless standing there as if she had been drugged. The man was shaking uncontrollably and the knife was the only thing preventing him from bleeding more. The three people got up nodding in approval, and one of them faced the camera before the video was cut.</p><p>The tears in Donna's eyes kept spilling, drenching her face. Samantha kneeled in front of the redhead, turning her chair so both were facing each other.</p><p>"Look, Donna. The guy in the video is OK. The feds were able to locate him, and one guy from the video is in custody."</p><p>Donna looked, mouth agape, at the blonde trying to grasp a reason to it all.</p><p>"Apparently, this group takes people and puts a kind of drug in their system. This drug, not only blacks out their memory, but puts them in the mercy of others."</p><p>Donna couldn't breathe, her tears wouldn't stop falling and she began sweating. She couldn't feel the tips of her fingers and toes. Shaking, the COO put her hand on her chest. Something was weighing on her, preventing her from getting oxygen.</p><p>Getting up, Samantha tried to urge Donna to breathe.</p><p>"Donna, look at me!" The blonde asked with a certain urgency in her voice. "Donna!"</p><p>She couldn't look at the lawyer, her tears were clouding her vision and the tingling of her hands were keeping her from understanding what was around her.</p><p>Hearing a commotion a few offices down his, Harvey went there to see what was going on so early in the firm. Spotting Donna seated at Samantha's chair, with frightened eyes and trying to breathe, he knew all too well what was happening to the woman. Samantha was hurrying to get her phone from her purse. "I'm calling 911".</p><p>Harvey kneeled in front of the redhead, grabbing both her hands and putting them on his chest. "Donna, look at me. Feel my heartbeat." He said with a calmness in his voice that surprised even himself.</p><p>
  <em>You used to captivate me by your resonating light</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Now I'm bound by the life you left behind</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(My Immortal - Evanescence)</em>
</p><p>Samantha stopped on her tracks, looking at the couple.</p><p>Donna looked at his eyes and through heavy breaths, she began to calm herself. "She is having a panic attack, Samantha. It will pass. No need to call 911," he explained without taking his gaze from the redhead. Even with eyes puffy from crying, she was breathtaking, which he shouldn't have been thinking of given the circumstances.</p><p>A few minutes later, Samantha put her phone down and asked Donna if she was better, grabbing a glass of water from her decanter and handing it to Harvey, who was closer to the redhead.</p><p>Harvey took the glass and gently guided Donna's hand to hold it. Still shaking, she took a sip. "Thanks," she said, getting up.</p><p>Harvey also stood up holding her elbow for support. She looked at his hand on her arm and then at his eyes. His touch was like fire on her skin, a fire that burned through everything she was and ever will be. And it hurt. It hurt to know that fire would never light up her life. He immediately dropped his hand, cleared his throat, and stepped aside giving her room to walk out.</p><p>"Thank you, Samantha," Donna said, standing in front of the blonde and motioning to the chair, "and I'm sorry for that".</p><p>Samantha nodded, still not knowing what to do next.</p><p>"Oh, and please don't let it change anything you might find, I need to know everything," the COO said, stopping by the door and turning around without hesitation, only her shaking hand betraying her resolve.</p><p>With that, she went to the lady's room to fix herself.</p><p>The two lawyers stood there for a moment, looking at the door, even after Donna had disappeared.</p><p>"What did you say to trigger a panic attack on her, Samantha?" Harvey asked with closed fists on his side directing his attention to her. There was a tinge of rage in his tone that didn't go unnoticed by the other lawyer.</p><p>"That is none of your business, Harvey." She said unfazed by him, going to her computer and deleting the video.</p><p>"You must have said something to make her feel like that!" he said, raising his voice an octave and clenching his jaw. He knew, first hand, what it was like to have a panic attack. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel the same. He could handle that himself, but he couldn't handle seeing her like that. However, it wasn't his job to protect her. He had a wife who didn't drive him crazy. Who didn't make it impossible for him to feel normal. He had someone else to take care of. Nonetheless, he couldn't breathe knowing Donna was anyway hurt. He couldn't lose her again and she deserved to be happy and feel well. She deserved peace, for Christ's sake!</p><p>"Again, Harvey. None of your business. Now, get out of my office. I have more things to attend to that don't include you." She said, annoyed by his outburst, and already typing something on her computer.</p><p>"Goddamnit!" he said while turning on his heel and leaving her office with rage in his eyes. That was not the first day he had imagined. He just wanted to watch out for her. Be closer, even a little bit.</p><p>Donna was in the bathroom reapplying mascara when Rachel walked in. Concern was written on the brunette's face when she saw her best friend's red eyes.</p><p>"It's nothing," Donna answered, the unspoken question looking at the young lawyer through the reflection.</p><p>"Cut the bullshit, Donna. What happened?" Rachel reached to touch the redhead's arm, but Donna flinched. She was still not over Harvey's touch and couldn't stand people treating her like a fragile doll.</p><p>Seeing the pained expression on Rachel's face at her reaction she sighed and gave in.</p><p>"I had a panic attack."</p><p>Rachel's jaw dropped, more worry in her eyes, but she was cut off, "Harvey calmed me down."</p><p>Rachel's expression relaxed and turned into something else, but she could see the sorrow in her friend's eyes and, ignoring Donna's first reaction to her touch, she embraced the redhead.</p><p>It took all resolve Donna had left not to cry again. After everything, she still had Rachel by her side and somehow Harvey was there too. However, it was too painful to think of him as someone whom she would be able to count on.</p><p>Rachel looked in her eyes and fixed her hair. "There. Now you look perfect."</p><p>The brunette wouldn't push Donna to tell her what caused the panic attack. She knew the redhead too well to know when to push and when to wait.</p><p>"Thanks, Rach." Donna shared a shy grin with her friend and both left the restroom arm in arm.</p><p>...</p><p>Later that day, after going through some paperwork and setting a few meetings, Louis knocked on Donna's door with a face that said she wouldn't like to hear what he was going to say.</p><p>"Can I come in?" He asked coyly.</p><p>"Sure, Louis. What can I do for you?" She asked, dropping her four-color Bic pen and giving him all her attention.</p><p>"I don't know if you were made aware of this," he started, taking a seat in front of her, "but today, HR approved Harvey as a new senior partner at the firm," he finished hesitantly, looking for signs of understanding or hurt in his friend's eyes.</p><p>"I figured, Louis. He helped me with—" she stopped herself from saying what had really happened, "with a few things."</p><p>"I see," the balding man nodded in understanding, "but how have you been doing... with... everything? I mean..." he was nervous asking her about her life. He knew it couldn't have been easy and tried to give her space, but he was also worried about her.</p><p>"Not good." She surprised herself with the honesty and it felt liberating. She had missed all the appointments with her therapist and she was starting to regret her choice.</p><p>"You see, Louis. Harvey and I used to be like this," she said, intertwining both her hands, "and now I don't know anything about him."</p><p>Donna continued to say everything that was bothering her.</p><p>She told him about the video, not getting into details, but saying she had done something bad during her "death". She was ashamed of herself for not remembering and for somehow letting all of that happen to her, even though she had no power to prevent it from happening.</p><p>"I'm disgusted because I feel like I've been violated. Like someone stole a part of me. Like someone stripped me down and left me bare to die," she said through gasps, and looking into her friend's eyes, searching for acknowledgment. She saw tears on his face but continued talking. She needed to let it all out.</p><p>"They stole my free will. My mind. My choices. My time. My life. And I feel naked and dirty because they used my body and my mind without my consent."</p><p>She told him how she missed Harvey and how it all made it so much more difficult.</p><p>She spilled her emotions in front of Louis, which made the man reach to take her hand. He was crying for her. He was crying because he couldn't protect his dear friend. He was crying because he couldn't do anything but listen and nod.</p><p>"And on top of all that, I feel like Harvey was the one who should have found me, you know? And I miss him..." she continued laying her heart down, barely noticing the presence of a person at her door. "Harvey and I always had a complicated relationship but he was my compass." She was holding in tears for the umpteenth time that day.</p><p>"He should have fought harder to find me and I can't stop thinking about the fact that he didn't because he's now married to God knows —"</p><p>"Hi."</p><p>Donna was cut off by a short woman at her door. The redhead looked at her questioning the same time Louis's eyes almost jumped out of his face.</p><p>"Hey, how can I help you?" Donna asked politely, failing to notice Louis' discomfort.</p><p>"Actually I came by to give you this, Louis," she said, directing her gaze to the lawyer, stepping into the office and handing him a blue file. "I went by your office and you weren't there," she explained.</p><p>Donna noticed Louis gulp and take the file lowering his gaze. There was something about the woman's British accent that was unappealing to Donna.</p><p>The blonde directed her gaze to Donna.</p><p>"I don't believe we've met," the shorter woman said with a glint of challenge in her eyes.</p><p>"I believe we haven't. I'm Donna."</p><p>"I'm Paula Agard, Harvey's wife."</p><p>Donna's expression didn't change. She was too good of an actress to give the woman the upper hand. She actually trained herself during the countless nights she couldn't sleep, for when she got to meet this woman.</p><p>Of course, she didn't expect Paula to overhear her conversation with Louis.</p><p>Of course, she didn't expect for her insides to be lurching.</p><p>Moreover, she didn't expect this woman to be so ordinary. Harvey always had good taste in women, but this woman was just bland with her pastel-colored clothes. Donna could place what Harvey had seen in Scotty and Zoe, but again, this woman had nothing.</p><p>"Hi,'' Donna said instead of engaging further with the woman who got to have what she craved for.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don't forget to let me know what you all think. Some of this was borrowed from another TV series called ALIAS. I own nothing but a very weird brain.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. My Path</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"You know," he said, making her halt her step and turn to face him again, "we should grab a drink sometime… like the old times."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is more of a filler but an important one… So … The next chapter might come sooner than the others. I hope you like it. Thank you, Cassie (Yes, I will thank you on every single chapter), and again, you've got wings, baby!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>After a month of living with Rachel and Mike, Donna could rent her own place. It was close enough to the office, but not sufficient for her to be able to go on foot. She had passed by the place a few years back, and the odd structure had called her attention. She was definitely surprised when the real estate agent mentioned it.</p><p>At first, she thought the construction was old and didn't have a friendly aura to it. However, the structure inside it was remarkable, with freshly painted walls and renovated flooring. According to the real estate agent, the building was a historical landmark, so they could not restore the outside, but the plumbing and electric system were replaced recently. Inside the number 206, which ironically was the last apartment available, she saw a big window facing the NY skyline — the twentieth floor providing the perfect view.</p><p>The not so big kitchen and the cozy living room gave her a feeling of home. The warm colors and a fireplace that reminded her of a different time made her smile. The two-bedroom apartment was not so distant from the one she'd lost. Only the living room window and the bedrooms were different, which she found refreshing. The window was a reminder to see things from a fresh perspective, and her bedroom wouldn't be a remembrance of the other time anymore. Everything about the place was invigorating.</p><p>Ever since the whole nightmare started, she found herself almost drowning and just surviving, for she hadn't been living. Inside that apartment, she felt relatively whole. She felt she could finally breathe on her own. Therefore, she had to take only one look to turn to the real estate agent to say, "I'll take it," with a smile that hadn't reached her eyes in so long.</p><p>
  <em>Eu vou seguir o meu caminho</em>
</p><p>
  <em>E te esquecer</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Pensar um pouco em mim, tentar viver</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Seria o bastante</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(Imortal - Sandy&amp;Junior)</em>
</p><p>Donna was older than Rachel and Mike, but she felt like a teenager moving from her parent's house. Of course, she could have moved back to her mother's or father's house after her disappearance, but that did not seem right. Her mother has married again and her father has started a new business — she wanted distance from their drama, thus her best friend's house was the best option.</p><p>They had moved the few boxes of things she still possessed to her new place. Mostly dresses, shoes, and handbags. Rachel arranged for everything to be delivered at the redhead's new place, so both didn't need to go back to the storage unit. Donna looked at her best friend expectantly, sitting down and grabbing a bottle of water.</p><p>"Harvey's wife...What's she like?" The redhead asked suddenly. Rachel looked down uncomfortably, sighed, then sat down wiping sweat from her forehead and started,</p><p>"I'm not sure if you really want to hear this."</p><p>"When Harvey heard that you were dead? He dropped off the face of the earth. I mean, literally, Don, he… he was... out of the country for, like, six months. You need to know that he was not cavalier about moving on."</p><p>Donna was sad to hear what it was for him when she was gone. Even though she wanted to know all that happened, it still pained her to discover what people went through. Her friend didn't answer her question, but she didn't push.</p><p>"What happened to what you guys thought was my body?" Donna asked, unfazed by the strange query which made Rachel flinch more than if her friend had inquired with sorrow.</p><p>"We had a small gathering... at my father's boat. We scattered your ashes in the Pacific." Rachel told her, not going into details, for it would be too painful.</p><p>"It was very hard for all of us, you know?" Rachel kept telling her, now lost in thought looking out her window. "I would cry at work out of nowhere. Or would be leaving to the kitchen and then tears. It was depressing," she frowned.</p><p>"Once, Mike caught me crying in the bathroom... there was a new associate named Harriet, and that reminded me of you," she explained, now with a smirk.</p><p>Donna chuckled at the memory. She knew why the name would be a reminder. Those were convenient times, and her problems seemed so small compared to everything else. She needed to feel good about herself. She needed to feel something other than dread.</p><p>"You know, I'm tired of this! Let's do something fun?" She suggested suddenly with a mischievous look and a grin on her face, making the young lawyer glimpsed at her surprised. She wasn't expecting the sudden change of mood but wasn't opposed to it.</p><p>"What do you have in mind? You know I'm married, right?" Donna rolled her eyes and laughed at her friend. "If I weren't... I mean ... How can one say no to—"</p><p>"Shut up, Rach!" She cut her off, laughing and shaking her head. "I'm saying we should do something nice for a change. I don't know," she explained.</p><p>"Oh!" She added getting up and going through her bag, "I have an idea." She picked a small pack with some joints inside and showed it to the redhead. She was wearing a playful expression and a look that said 'I dare you!'.</p><p>"Pot? Really, Rachel? What are you? A college student? Oh! Wait! I forgot! You are a college student!" Donna said, still laughing and shaking her head. "Where did you get that, by the way?" The COO was now confused and very curious.</p><p>"It's Mike's. He usually does it when he needs to crack a very difficult case or when he is upset. But he got it from the coffee cart guy." The brunette explained matter-of-factly.</p><p>"Fine," Donna gave in, shaking her head at the absurdity of this, "but how do I do it?" She asked sincerely, which made Rachel laugh while fumbling through the plastic bag.</p><p>"Are you saying the almighty Donna Paulsen has never smoked before?" She mocked her friend, already waiting for the jab that would come.</p><p>"I've never needed it! My brain's always been too awesome to need help from Mary J."</p><p>…</p><p>The next morning, before going to the office, Donna attended her first therapy session. Anxious and a bit skeptical, she knocked on Doctor Lipschitz's door.</p><p>"Uh… Good morning? I have an appointment — "Donna started and was soon cut off.</p><p>"Ms. Paulsen? I must say, I wasn't sure if you would come. You canceled our last three sessions." The older man said, fixing his glasses and sitting up straighter.</p><p>"I know, but hm…" She tried to explain, not so confident about herself, which was unusual for her and quite unsettling.</p><p>"I get it. You weren't ready before," he motioned to the couch by the window, "why don't you take a seat and you can tell me why you decided to come today?"</p><p>She spent most of her time telling the doctor what had happened to her and how her conversation with Louis made her feel lighter. She told him about her new apartment and her friends. However, she decided to avoid all topics Harvey related. She still didn't know how to feel about Dr. Lipschitz to talk about the person who was a constant in her mind. Thus, she preferred to navigate through the inevitable — to what actually had made her be there in the first place.</p><p>At the end of her appointment, she promised him to make an effort to attend the sessions. She felt comfortable enough in his office to try to talk to the doctor about Harvey in the next week. For now, though, she had to think about what to say about him. Because at the end of the day he was no one. He wasn't her friend anymore; he was somebody else's husband and Mike's best friend. He was no one. Yet, he was everything.</p><p>He was someone who would light up her world with a single touch. He was able to infiltrate her dreams and desires with a simple 'good morning' at the office. He was the one who broke her heart several times before, only to settle for someone completely ordinary.</p><p>…</p><p>Arriving at the office, she was fuming with anger. Her meeting with doctor Lipschitz didn't help and only added fuel to the fire, for it caused her to think about Harvey and how unavoidable he was. Plus, that only made her case when she rounded the corner to her office and almost bumped into him. Dropping his files on the ground, she snaps at him for no good reason.</p><p>"Watch it! Jeez!" She said louder than intended, making him frown and kneel to grab his files. Some associates passing by turned their heads to the commotion and just ignored it, heading their way.</p><p>"Sorry," he replied sincerely, looking up at her. She was flushed but tried to pull herself together by breathing deeply.</p><p>"It's okay, I guess I should've looked before turning so abruptly," Donna apologized.</p><p>Harvey nodded and cleared his throat, trying to say something. "Erm… did you get the email about a meeting in five?" He asked, kicking himself for not coming up with a better way to engage in a conversation.</p><p>She had read the email Jessica had sent her and the partners on her way to the firm after her appointment. However, with everything going on in her mind, she hadn't really registered it.</p><p>"Yeah. Sure… I… I'll see you there." She answered with a flutter in her stomach. Why did he have to make me feel like a teenager?</p><p>Now on his feet, he could face her properly. He studied her light freckles that were probably being covered by makeup. He saw her eyes flicker while holding his gaze and how beautiful her lips looked in the morning.</p><p>Uncomfortably, she cleared her throat and started walking towards her office. He couldn't help but get her attention. Ever since she came back, he had been trying to talk to her, to go back to being at least friends with her.</p><p>Yet, he couldn't help if he found her outrageously gorgeous. He could never forget heror forgive himself for waiting to say he loved her. He misjudged his feelings, thinking he would be fine going back to the firm, for standing right there, looking at the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He assumed he could ignore her like he had done before all hell broke loose. But he was wrong. He underestimated the power she had over him. Yet again, he was married. And again, he wasn't able to stop himself, for the very thought of seeing her and not wanting her, in his life, was impossible.</p><p>She was back, but everything was so different. She was back, but she wasn't back in his life, and that hurt almost as much as if she hadn't come back at all.</p><p>"You know," he said, making her halt her step and turn to face him again, "we should grab a drink sometime… like the old times," he looked down, not wanting to see her expression that would probably lead to a refusal.</p><p>"I miss you," he added, barely above a whisper. He hoped she wouldn't hear his last words, but she did.</p><p>"I don't know if that's a good idea, Harvey," she admitted, with pain written all over her face. He was hurting her more than he knew. "I don't think Paula would appreciate you having drinks with another woman," she gasped, and added, "even as friends."</p><p>He raised his head to look at her. How did she know his wife's name? She's Donna, and she knows everything, but for her to figure that out on her own was impossible.</p><p>Reading his puzzlement, Donna decided to explain.</p><p>"I met her the other day."</p><p>Sighing, she lifted the corners of her mouth slightly in an attempt to smile, but it didn't reach her eyes.</p><p>Of course, he had asked Paula to give Louis some files before they headed to their usual restaurant. She came by yesterday so they could have a date, and he just called for a favor so he could leave earlier to avoid the redhead that wouldn't leave his thoughts. They must have bumped into each other or something. He didn't expect them to meet, and that made him sick and pale. He didn't know why, though. It wasn't like he was cheating on his wife and hiding it.</p><p>"Right," he nodded, instead of voicing his feelings. "Uhm… we should go…" he said, fumbling with the files on his hands, "to the meeting, I mean."</p><p>"Right," Donna agreed, turning to her office again and releasing the breath she didn't know she was holding.</p><p>...</p><p>"As you all know," Jessica started, addressing the firm's partners and COO, "every year, when it's time to get our share of profits, we throw a cocktail party to honor those who actually pay our bills," she said making some people laugh.</p><p>"This year will not be different," Jessica added with emphasis. "You're all obligated to attend and Gretchen is already preparing a list of whose client's asses each of you will have to kiss." The named partner concluded playfully, and still with an air of seriousness that no one present would dare to contradict.</p><p>"And one more thing," Jessica said looking at no one in particular, but knowing the issue would present itself if not addressed, "this is a business event, not a casual party. I expect to see all of you working. You're dismissed." Jessica completed with a wave of a hand and turning to talk to Gretchen.</p><p>Normally, Donna would have been the one to make the list, however, she didn't have the chance to meet all the clients yet. And this occasion, in particular, was perfect for her to know all of them. She wasn't excited but determined to read them all. Since that would definitely improve her performance.</p><p>Harvey just rolled his eyes at Jessica. It wasn't like him to go to these events and talk to clients. The problem was that Jessica knew him enough, and that is why she emphasized the entire thing. He had to go.</p><p>…</p><p>He opened the door to their house, sighing and spotting her nursing a glass of wine sitting on their couch reading a novel. He had to talk to her about Donna without making a fuss about it. The last thing Harvey wanted was to fight with his wife, but he just had to know what had been spoken between the redhead and Paula.</p><p>"You're home! Earlier than I thought you'd come," she said, rising from her spot, closing the book, and going to him, "if I had known, I'd have prepared dinner." She wrapped her arms around his neck and gently pressed her lips on his. He couldn't help but notice her touch had never felt like Donna's. Donna's touch was fire, Paula's had never been that.</p><p>Despite his feelings, he returned the kiss and embraced her back, but soon disentangled from her and went to the kitchen. "Yeah…" he opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came.</p><p>She sensed his odd behavior and kept staring at him moving around going through the kitchen cabinets. "What are you looking for?"</p><p>"My tumbler," he responded without facing her. He needed a drink to ask her about Donna, though doing it sober would be a better idea.</p><p>"Top shelf, Harvey. You know that. Are you ok?" She said, frowning a little and studying him. Concern was written all over her features. The last time she had seen him that lost, was when he was still her patient and didn't want to engage in a conversation about what was really bothering him.</p><p>"Yeah… I'm fine," he answered her, finally returning her gaze and pouring himself two fingers of whiskey.</p><p>"You met Donna the other day, right?" He continued looking at her and sipping his drink. His elbow was on the kitchen counter as he tried to look relaxed. "Why didn't you tell me?"</p><p>Paula tilted her head a little, trying to read him. She wasn't stupid, his apparent calm demeanor was not fooling her. She crossed her arms and answered his query unfazed.</p><p>"I didn't think it was worth mentioning. Why the question, honey?"</p><p>Her accent made him shiver. It never really bothered him, if he was honest it was kind of cute, but now it was not so appealing.</p><p>"Nothing…" he shrugged, "just curious, it's all."</p><p>"Right. Well…" she started, uncrossing her arms and going back to the living room to pick her book, dodging his gaze. "There's really not much to talk about. I know she was talking to Louis when I was looking for him. It seemed personal." She shrugged and continued folding a blanket that was tossed on the couch, still avoiding his gaze.</p><p>"What were they talking about?" Harvey asked. His curiosity spiking. What was Donna saying to Louis that was personal? He didn't like that one bit. Why didn't she come to him? They were friends. Though their last conversation didn't show that.</p><p>"I don't know, Harvey. Why don't you ask her yourself if it seems so important?" She snapped at him, raising her voice. She was not going to tell him what that bloody woman had said.<em> I miss him and he should have fought harder to find me.</em> As if she had any right to miss <em>her</em> husband. However, Paula was afraid to inquire why he didn't mention Donna was back. She just hoped he hadn't considered it relevant enough, even though his last question said otherwise.</p><p>Harvey sighed and straightened his back. "Paula, I don't want to fight. I just asked out of curiosity, that's all." He looked apologetically at her. He really didn't want to fight and if she had heard nothing out of the ordinary, then that's ok.</p><p>He crossed the open kitchen to the living room, stepping closer to her and putting his hands on her waist.</p><p>She peered down between them and sighed, letting her insecurities and doubts slide. She put her arms around his neck as he embraced her small frame. "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I just had a rough day." She lied so she wouldn't have to admit her jealousy to him.</p><p>"It's fine. Let's go to bed." He showed the direction of their bedroom with a tilt of his head and tugging at her. "I have a way to improve your day." He said smirking and raising his eyebrows suggestively.</p><p>She giggled at him and let herself be guided to what she knew would earn her a great night.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, I watched a YT live of an old band from my country, got inspired, and added something of theirs. If you're wondering about what was said in that piece of their song, here's the translation:</p><p>I will follow my path<br/>and forget about you<br/>Thinking about me and trying to live my life<br/>That would be enough</p><p>It's not perfect, but it's pretty close to what they meant. :)</p><p>Some of this was borrowed from the script of another TV series called ALIAS. I own nothing but a very weird brain. If you're liking this story (or not), would you mind leaving me a review? It really makes my day reading what you guys have to say… Good or bad… It's always nice to know what you think. xD</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Make a flower bloom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry for the delay in updating this. My cat had surgery, I had some family issues and with everything else going on in the world… I was just not in the right frame of mind to do anything.</p><p>Anyhow… even if you can't donate, you have a voice.</p><p>And remember to stay safe and wash your hands. xD</p><p>So, are you ready for the appearance of someone else to shake Darvey's world a bit more?</p><p>Cassie (Follow-ur-Shadow), Donna's dress is for you. 3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the late hours at the office, Donna got a pounding headache. She had been working a lot more lately, not only to prove to herself that she deserved to be COO but also to show the same to some coworkers. Earlier that week she had heard some associates gossiping about her while she was in the line to get a bagel from the coffee cart guy. Those two associates were saying she got her position out of pity from Jessica. They didn't understand what her job required and just assumed she was there to decrease the billable from the partners. Hearing that, she had a terrible déjà vu. Before, they used to say she was the best paid legal secretary because of sexual favors. She didn't have to grant anything like that to earn her money. However, she still felt bad about the rumors, and it didn't feel any different now.</p><p>Therefore, she was working hard to prove a point that didn't need to be proven. She knew that if she was a man, her abilities to do her job would never be questioned. She was in her position because she earned it, but still shook her confidence in hearing accusations from other women.</p><p>Thus, at the end of that Thursday, she wished it was Saturday already. She gathered her stuff and left for her new, empty apartment. At this point, she was seriously considering adopting a cat.</p><p>Meanwhile, Harvey was also in his office about to head home to his wife, when a swoosh of red hair called his attention. She was done for the day too, and if he was fast enough, he would be able to get into the elevator with her. He didn't know what he would say, but the feeling of her leaving just felt wrong. So, he grabbed his wallet and cellphone and ran after her, arriving at the elevators, just in time to stick his arm, preventing the doors from closing on him.</p><p>Waiting for the doors to close, Donna was fumbling through her phone, considering what to order for dinner, since Thai hadn't tasted the same for a while. She jumped a little when a voice from the door called her.</p><p>"Hey," Harvey said, almost breathless.</p><p>She looked at him, puzzled. "Hey. Are you ok?" she asked, stepping aside to give him space.</p><p>Looking at her, still slightly flushed from the short run, "Fine. Why?" he questioned her back, trying to sound nonchalant and failing miserably.</p><p>"It seems you're in a hurry," Donna pointed out while the elevator started its descent. "Is Paula making you run for your money?" She tried to joke with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, which instead of seeming like a lighthearted comment, it appeared just fake.</p><p>He sensed her stiffness and the way she avoided his gaze. "That's not why —"</p><p>"It's fine," she cut him off with a shake of her head, looking down. Her red locks covered her face and Harvey felt the need to reach a strand and put it behind her ear, but instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets.</p><p>"I get it. I also have somewhere to be," she lied without a reason.</p><p>"You do?" He asked, ready to call her bullshit when the elevator came to a halt and she walked out quickly.</p><p>"Good night, Harvey," she spoke, almost halfway to the doors.</p><p>Harvey stepped out after a moment. "Do you want a ride," he offered, suddenly making her stop in her tracks.</p><p>"What?" she said just above a whisper.</p><p>"You know I have Ray. We can drop you off wherever you want," he added sheepishly. He didn't want her to go alone, even though she had been doing that for some time now, he couldn't stand not seeing her safe.</p><p>At that point, her head was throbbing. She could say no and face the Manhattan traffic, or she could answer yes to an innocent ride with her married 'friend'.</p><p>"I don't know, Harvey," she looked at him then. With her makeup already fading after a long day and giving him a glimpse of freckled nose and cheeks.</p><p>"Come on," he tilted his head in the direction of his Lexus.</p><p>"Okay," a shadow of a smile graced her features. It only took his puppy eyes to make her cave, and it only took the light crinkles on the corner of her eyes to make him want to do anything for her.</p><p>Harvey opened the door for her and rounded the car to get to the other side.</p><p>"Donna. It's so nice to see you," Ray greeted her, looking through the rear view, avoiding the 'long time no see' comment. "Where to, boss?"</p><p>Harvey looked at Donna, awaiting her to reveal her destiny. Harvey actually hoped she would tell her old address when he realized he didn't know where she lived anymore and that she had somewhere else to be. He felt a tightness in his chest, similar to one of a panic attack.</p><p>She gave the driver her new address, which didn't ease Harvey's mind since he had no idea if she was indeed going home or not.</p><p>Sure she couldn't have found a boyfriend in such a short time. She hadn't even been back for two months.</p><p>Through the quick ride to her place, Donna chatted with Ray about his wife and kids, dodging any comment about her own life, or lack of it.</p><p>When the Lexus came to a halt, Harvey stepped out in a rush to get her door, which made her blush and thank him.</p><p>"See you tomorrow, Donna." He said, leaning on the car to keep his distance from her.</p><p>"See you tomorrow, Harvey." She turned around, pulling the door to the old building, making Harvey question silently what she was doing in such a place.</p><p>Before waving goodbye, she added, "don't forget about the party tomorrow. You don't want to get Jessica mad at you."</p><p>Her playfulness and care for him reminded him of a different and simpler time, making his heart skip a beat. So, Harvey nodded and ducked into the car that would take him to the woman who had never caused him to feel like this. To the woman, he was supposed to love.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Chasing after time, time</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When you love somebody</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They'll always leave too soon</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But a memory, a memory</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Can make a flower bloom</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(Immortal - Marina and the diamonds)</em>
</p><p> </p><p>That night, Donna had another nightmare. Again with a lot of snow surrounding her. She was fighting with someone and both of them were very skilled. The man seemed way older than her and appeared to always get the upper hand until she finally managed to throw him on the ground. Before getting up, the guy spat blood close to her feet, but she didn't flinch, she just wiped her own mouth, staining her white-gloved hands with red.</p><p>Her surroundings were rusty. There was a small cabin in front of her and they were surrounded by seemingly dead trees. Looking at the clearing they were fighting, she had a sense of loneliness she had never felt before.</p><p>She woke up startled, not feeling her fingertips nor her toes. She could feel the cold everywhere.</p><p>Looking at her nightstand, the clock struck four a.m. She sighed and went to take a hot shower. She would have to tell her dream to Samantha, for it might have something to do with her disappearing.</p><p>...</p><p>Most of the partners worked relentlessly trying to maintain both Simon Lowe and another company's CEO happy with a deal that time in the office. They all knew Lowe's offer was bullshit but tried to keep both of them as clients, anyway. At the end of the day, both were pleased with the business the firm provided. However, the whole transaction left all the people from Pearson Litt Wheeler Williams exhausted, with a ton of paperwork to see through and with a brief time to go home to change for the cocktail party.</p><p>After managing to save both businesses with Alex, Harvey was hoping to have his name back on the wall, even though it wasn't the first thing on his mind anymore. He had barely seen Donna the whole day, and he felt an uneasiness when he couldn't get at least a glimpse of her. He sighed and buried his nose in the files on his desk after sending a message to Paula. Maybe she could bring his tux to the firm.</p><p>Donna was one of the few people that could leave the office at a reasonable hour to go home and change for the party. Sure, at first, she wasn't enthusiastic about the event, but after looking at the mirror she felt like herself again.</p><p>Donna decided to put on one of her diamond earrings, ones she had bought with Harvey's card. She had considered not wearing those, but they were perfect for the occasion and it wasn't like Harvey to remember them, anyway.</p><p>Her doorbell buzzed, waking her from her daydream. She crossed her living room warily. She knew Rachel had also gone home to change and she wasn't expecting anyone.</p><p>Looking through the peephole, she opened the door in a swoosh.</p><p>"Oh, wow! Aren't you a sight for sore eyes!" The blonde said, showing a smirk and checking Donna out.</p><p>"You don't look so bad yourself, Wheeler!" she complimented Samantha, who was wearing a fitted black dress that highlighted her cleavage and hips. Donna couldn't hide her amusement at their banter. She'd grown fonder of the lawyer and could see a friendship forming between them.</p><p>"Come in. Can I get you anything? Has something happened?" The redhead rambled. Even though she liked Samantha, her showing at her door unannounced was unusual.</p><p>"No, thanks. It won't take long." She said, following Donna to the couch and taking a seat in one of the armchairs.</p><p>Handing Donna a blue folder, Samantha started.</p><p>"I found more things about your past. Those aren't as bad as the video." The comment made Donna wince. "I got them from a source that is really looking into what happened to you."</p><p>Samantha opened the file on Donna's hand and pointed to a few pages. Most of them were censored with black ink and couldn't be read, like her name and where she was from. The only thing indicating the register was about Donna, was a picture of her on the right corner of the paper.</p><p>"They blacked out most of the information, but if you read here and here," Samantha continued, "you'll see that they tested some drugs on you and that you went through fighting training."</p><p>Donna looked at Samantha as if the blonde had been inside her mind. She hadn't had time to tell Wheeler about her dream before, but now...</p><p>"I had a dream today. I fought this guy, and I seemed to know what I was doing." The redhead shook her head in disbelief. Things were starting to be explained, but it didn't ease her mind. She wanted the people who had done what they did to her held accountable for their actions.</p><p>"That's probably not a dream, but a memory. In any case, they're very close to finding these people's headquarters. So you just have to be patient and once we have all of them in custody, we'll sue them for everything they've got and we'll put them behind bars." Samantha's reassurance was all Donna needed to hear. She dropped the file on her coffee table and hugged the blonde.</p><p>"Thank you, Samantha."</p><p>"Don't mention it. I want these bastards to pay for what they've done," Samantha disentangled Donna and led her to sit one more time, "but there's something else."</p><p>Donna sighed and waited for her to elaborate.</p><p>"They found out some other people in other states that were considered dead from the terrorist attack at the same bar as you. If you want, I can arrange for your lawyer to contact them so they can have a class action once we find these bastards."</p><p>Donna sensed a 'but' from Samantha.</p><p>"But I can't be your lawyer because I'm already too involved in this."</p><p>Donna smiled at Samantha and reached for her hands. "Don't worry about it. I have the perfect person to handle this case."</p><p>The redhead stood up, let go of the woman's grips, and fixed her dress.</p><p>"Do you want a ride to the party? I can wait for you and we can leave together," the blonde suggested with a tilt of her head, "I have my driver downstairs."</p><p>"Sure," Donna said, going to her bedroom to put on her earrings and take her handbag.</p><p>"How did you find out where I live and get into the building without having the reception call in here?"</p><p>"Please..." Samantha murmured as if it was pretty obvious.</p><p>Both women had a lot in common.</p><p>…</p><p>Harvey had just signed the last document finalizing Lowe's deal when he heard a knock on his door. He looked up and saw the gentle face of the woman he chose to spend the rest of his life with.</p><p>"Did someone order a tux?"</p><p>Paula entered his office with a spring in her step. She couldn't be part of the party since it was only for the people from the firm, but she was feeling good about herself. She had cracked one of her difficult patients, and she could see her husband before heading home. Life was great. Their little misunderstanding from the other night was definitely in the past after they had made up for it. Twice.</p><p>He rounded his desk and wrapped his arms around her and buried his nose in her hair. The smell of lavender invading his senses.</p><p>"You look tired, honey. Are you sure you can't skip this and go home with me? There might be a bath waiting for us there," she said, raising her head to meet his gaze and pecking him on the lips.</p><p>"Believe me, I would trade this whole thing for a night with my wife."</p><p>Harvey replied sincerely, looking into her eyes. He touched her cheek and brought his lips over hers again.</p><p>Meanwhile, Samantha and Donna were striding through the halls of PLWW before going to the event since Samantha had forgotten her list of clients and couldn't remember all of them by heart. They were chatting about nothing in particular when Donna's step faltered. Behind the glass walls, she saw them. He had a crinkle in the corners of his eyes that Donna thought he used only with her. His smile was genuine and so was their gaze.</p><p>Her cheeks reddened as if she was witnessing a very private moment between the couple. She lowered her head and cleared her throat, resuming her step to reach Samantha, who kept walking, without even noticing Donna's heartbreak at the sight of Harvey.</p><p>...</p><p>Harvey entered the wide space that was already buzzing with the firm's most prestigious clients. He had splashed some water on his face and fixed his hair before going there. Harvey needed a drink and Mike to endure the night, but his friend wasn't there — he kept working at the clinic and this event was only for clients and employees. Harvey sighed and headed to the open bar to at least pet Alex on the back. But before he could reach the partner, he spotted her.</p><p>Donna's hair was thrown to the side and wobbly curls settled on her shoulder. One red strand was loose and fell right between her breasts, making Harvey wet his lips. She was wearing a long green dress that hugged her figure perfectly. The top revealed more freckles than he could count, with its deep neckline and thin stripes holding the silk in place. The dress hugged her hips, letting little for the imagination, and yet was loose enough to reveal her long slender leg through a long slit on the right.</p><p>His breath hitched in his throat at the sight when she approached Alex, who was talking to a client. He could bet her freckles would tell him a story like a book in braille. If only he could touch her to read them...</p><p>Harvey's feet carried him to the group without his consent. He needed a drink, but he needed to see her closer more.</p><p>"I'm so glad the deal with Lowe went well, Thomas." Harvey heard her. There was a sparkle in her eyes that made his heart sink. Was she flirting?</p><p>"Me too, Donna." Harvey looked at Kessler checking Donna out. He couldn't help but clench his fists at his side. How dare he look at Donna like that?</p><p>"Harvey! Thank god you're here!" Alex greeted his friend, "I was starting to think you weren't coming to— "</p><p>"I'm here, Alex." Harvey cut him off, still staring at Donna and Kessler, "Thomas, it's good to see you." Harvey said through clenched teeth.</p><p>"You too, Harvey. Thank you for handling the issue as you did. You really saved my company, man." Thomas told Harvey with such sincerity that made Harvey feel like an asshole.</p><p>"Sure." Harvey lowered his gaze and attitude.</p><p>Donna, who was watching the entire exchange, felt extremely uncomfortable. She could read Harvey's demeanor as if she was still his secretary. His tie was to the left, he was rigid on the spot and had his jaw clenched. Her talking to Thomas bothered him. But she wasn't about to let him ruin her night more than the sight of him and his wife earlier already had.</p><p>Harvey cleared his throat and excused himself. He went to the other end of the bar to ask for a whiskey. God knew he needed it more than before.</p><p>...</p><p>By the end of the event, Donna was a bit tipsy and extremely confident. She had just said goodbye to Rachel and Samantha, but she still needed one last drink to call it a night. Not only had she given her number to Thomas, promising they would go to dinner sometime next week, but she also read all the clients she hadn't met yet and got a new client for the firm. She was feeling great! She used her charms to assure the businessman's wife that PLWW was the best option to take care of their million-dollar tractor business was about to merge with a smaller nail company. It turned out, the man's wife was the one to handle everything work-related, while her husband would do anything she told.</p><p>She leaned on the counter to ask for her fifth or sixth glass of champagne when she noticed his presence. Of course, she had felt his gaze burning into her during the entire night, but she had done her best to avoid him.</p><p>"Harvey," she said without turning around.</p><p>"Donna," he replied with the same intonation, taking a seat beside her at one of the bar stools. "You managed to close Mr. Clide's company."</p><p>His observation brought a smile to her lips.</p><p>"I knew you wanted him to be our client. I just helped a little," she shrugged.</p><p>"You didn't help, Donna. You did the whole thing on your own." She amazed him. He recognized she was more than capable of doing her job and the others, but that night, she had outdone herself.</p><p>"What can I say? Everybody was looking in the wrong direction when they should have searched into the man's heart." She turned and looked at him in the eyes. A shadow of a smirk still graced her features. Her eyes shone with pride and he wished he was the one to give her promotion a long time ago.</p><p>"Congratulations," he praised instead of engaging further. Her comment had thrown him a bit off the tracks.</p><p>"Thanks," she accepted his admiration, chugging at her champagne glass and turning to leave the building.</p><p>"Where are you going?" He asked suddenly, making her slow her pace.</p><p>"Home." She said, without facing him.</p><p>He could see her naked back, only covered by two thin stripes of silk. He swallowed and felt his pants grow a little tighter.</p><p>"I can give you a ride," he followed her steps, quite drunk himself.</p><p>"I don't think that's a good idea, Harvey." She reached the exit. The New York night breeze through her bare skin made her shiver.</p><p>"Why not? I have Ray and—" he tried to reason but was cut off by her.</p><p>"No, Harvey." She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, ready to hail a cab.</p><p>"Why not?" He asked, reaching for her hand and causing her to turn around to look at him.</p><p>She twisted her wrist in a fast and skilled motion that loosened his grip on her instantaneously, surprising them both. She hadn't thought muscle memory was indeed a thing until that very moment. She looked at her arm as if he had burned her, but forced her attention back to him.</p><p>"Because Harvey," she started, "you have a freaking wife and you're everywhere and I need space!"</p><p>There were tears in her eyes when she noticed his hurt expression.</p><p>"I know," he said above a whisper.</p><p>"I can't breathe with you looking at me like that, so why do you keep torturing me?!" she asked, taking a slight step closer to him. He was a bastard. An asshole who wasn't able to see how extraordinary she was. He was blind and self-absorbed who didn't deserve her awesomeness, and yet he owned her heart. He was a selfish bastard who said he loved her, only to get married to someone else two years later. And for thinking about that again, she was mad. Furious at him and mad at herself for being furious at him. He had no right! No right to own her heart and her mind! He had no right to look at her like that!</p><p>"Because—" he raised his voice, taking another stride towards her.</p><p>"Because of WHAT?" They were starting to call the attention to a few passers-by.</p><p>"BECAUSE I CAN'T LEAVE YOU!" He yelled, drawing another step closer to her.</p><p>With her nude high heels, she was practically his height, and they were mere inches apart. He could almost taste her vanilla scent. It was so intoxicating and inebriating that made him want to reach and claim her as his in the middle of the side-walk.</p><p>She sighed and gave a small step back. She shook her head lightly and muttered.</p><p>"Don't you get it, Harvey?" She took another step backward. "You already left. And now, there's no turning back."</p><p>A cab pulled up, and she got in, leaving him there, in the night's midst, facing the beginning of a panic attack.</p><p>She went home thinking he had no right to own her and leave her whenever he needed to go to his wife.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don't forget to let me know what you all think. Some of this was borrowed from the script of another TV series called ALIAS. I own nothing but a very weird brain.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. If far away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"He just didn't know if he could leave his wife for her, but he had to make his marriage work. He was not his mother."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Let's see what is going on inside Harvey's mind? I hope you like this one… Some mature language is used in this chapter, but nothing too graphic. :)</p><p>Thank you, Cassie, for being an amazing beta! Ariana and Luana, thank you for the encouragement. Stay safe people! #BLM</p><p>Love, D.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Ray had never seen Harvey like that. Sure, he witnessed some panic attacks before, but the last time he'd seen the lawyer that bad was when he had found out about Donna's death.</p><p>He had just got into the car to go to the firm when he received a phone call. Ray had never seen his boss so pale while sweat started to form on his forehead. It didn't matter how many times he asked if Harvey was feeling okay, he wouldn't answer. It was like the lawyer had shut down to the world. After the driver saw his boss slipping on the ground with his back on the nearest building, Ray lifted him up and put him sitting on the back seat of the car. Harvey was very heavy, and the driver's back would suffer the consequences in the morning, but it didn't matter. He would be there for his boss and friend.</p><p>He tried asking what happened. Whether anything had happened to Mrs. Specter, but he knew, deep down, his boss would only feel like that if a certain redhead was involved.</p><p>Consequently, Ray drove his boss to the only place he knew Harvey wouldn't get mad at him and still get help.</p><p>...</p><p>Harvey had no recollection of how he made it to Mike and Rachel's place. He thought maybe Ray helped him get into the Lexus. But he was not sure. He had just heard her words so loud and so clear that everything else faded.</p><p>You already left. And now, there's no turning back.</p><p>Of course, she had no idea how her words would affect him. How could she? How could she know that those were the same words that would play on his mind like a broken record for a year after she died? How could she know that he blamed himself for everything that happened to her? That was the problem. She couldn't. He hadn't told anyone about those. Not even to his therapist/wife.</p><p>He had left. He left her there and everything that happened after that was his fault.</p><p>There was no turning back, indeed. He couldn't change the past nor the fallout of his actions.</p><p>He remembered crossing the threshold of his friends' house leaning on Ray, and Mike and Rachel's worried looks. Mike knew all too well the symptoms of his panic attacks, but for Rachel, that was the first one she'd witnessed.</p><p>When he got to their couch and was handed a glass of water, he was starting to breathe normally. Although his hands kept shaking uncontrollably.</p><p>"What happened?" Mike asked Ray, who only shook his head, explained what he said he needed to go home to his wife, after seeing Mike and Rachel had everything under control and made sure they would call him if they needed anything.</p><p>Rachel stood close to the door for a few seconds, looking at her husband trying to calm down their friend. She felt as though she was interrupting a private moment and excused herself to make up a room for Harvey to spend the night. However, before she could close the door to the spare room, she heard Harvey's horse voice.</p><p>"Mike, is it possible to love two women at the same time?"</p><p>E se distante é assim</p><p>Isso não vai ter fim</p><p>Nem que eu quiser você sai de mim</p><p>Eu já tentei, mas te esquecer assim não dá</p><p>(Imortal - Sandy&amp;Junior)</p><p>Harvey was laying in Mike and Rachel's spare room facing the ceiling thinking about red flames and sandy blond strands. He was torn and at that exact moment, he understood his mother. Loving two people at the same time and lying to one of them. He didn't agree with her, but he understood her. He felt as if he was having an affair, like her. The only difference was that he didn't act on his feelings and ask a child to keep it a secret.</p><p>His eyes welled up thinking about what he was doing to the two people he cared about most in the world. While Paula was his wife and he had chosen her to spend the rest of his life with, Donna was the only one he could picture a future with. The thought of hurting one or the other was excruciating, but in dire circumstances, even though he wouldn't admit it to himself, he knew who he'd save first, who he'd drag out of a burning building if he had to.</p><p>The night he asked Paula what she had talked to Donna about, Harvey went to bed with his wife. She had moaned his name and scratched his back, so it was easy to assume she had slept like a baby after their endeavors, as opposed to him. He definitely found her attractive, and would never say it, but the only way for him to get hard that night was the thought of Donna.</p><p>He had sex with his wife twice that night. The first time, she had gone down on him, but nothing happened when he looked at her hair or her face. Only when he closed his eyes and pictured strawberries and freckles was he able to give his wife what she wanted. The second time, he had woken up in the dawn, hard and sweating. He'd had a dream about Donna. He had kissed her the night she disappeared and the thought of her lips on his alone was enough to get him ready again. Unfortunately for him, when he tried to get up and take a cold shower, Paula scooped closer and felt his undeniable need, so he fucked his wife a second time thinking about another woman's lips. He felt dirty, but he didn't cheat, right?</p><p>To make matters worse, at the event, Donna was stunning, wearing that dress that made his breathing hitch and the earrings she had bought herself with his credit card. She didn't think he remembered it, but he did. She had bought it as a gift for secretary's day and she was so happy with it that just her smile had brightened up his whole week. Thinking about her, laying in the dark, alone, was making him see things a bit more clearly. He was wrong. Wrong for worrying and thinking about another woman when he should be focussing on the one waiting for him at home. He should, but he couldn't because the thought of losing Donna or seeing her hurt in any way made him want to drop to his knees. The thought of her being touched by another man's hands didn't only bother him but made him sick to his stomach. And the thought of not being part of her life made him want to stop breathing altogether. He didn't know what to do. He just didn't know if he could leave his wife for her, but he had to make his marriage work. He was not his mother.</p><p>Harvey gave up sleeping at four am, left a note for Mike, and went home to his wife, again with another woman's face in his mind.</p><p>…</p><p>Donna woke up with a killing hangover. Her head was throbbing, but at least she didn't have nightmares. She had drunk far too many glasses of wine during the weekend. Actually, she had started drinking a lot more after the dreams started. She didn't know if the lack of dreams were a good or a bad thing, but having them made her feel uneasy and drinking made her numb and pushed them away. She had to know what she did during those two years, and she had to make the people responsible for her disappearance pay, but she was not willing to figure everything out through dreams.</p><p>With that on her mind, she knocked on Louis' door first thing in the morning, with two cups of coffee in hand.</p><p>"Donna, good morning! What can I do for you, m'lady?</p><p>Donna grinned at her friend's greeting and handed him the coffee, "do you have a minute?"</p><p>He took the coffee from her and motioned to a chair in front of his desk.</p><p>"I need your help." She looked at her cup of coffee, avoiding his gaze and sighing. "I need a lawyer to move a class action against the people that robbed me from two years of my life." She faced his agape expression and straightened her back, gathering the courage to finish what she had to say. "Samantha is getting all the information she can about everyone that went through the same as I did. There are more people, you know? And I want to make the people who did this to me and the others pay, and I want you to be my lawyer."</p><p>Louis leaned back at his chair and looked at her, seeing the pain and anger through her hazel eyes. She was not the same woman he had met. Somehow she seemed colder, more closed to the world and all he saw was sorrow, distress, and a harshness that didn't belong to his sweet and fierce friend.</p><p>"Of course, Donna. I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure these bastards are held accountable for their actions, but I need to ask, why me?" He asked her, curiosity getting the better of him and making him want to explain his train of thought further. "I'm sure you could ask Jessica, Rachel or even Mike, and most importantly Harvey. So why me?"</p><p>She knew he would ask this question, but the answer wasn't an easy one to deliver. Not for him, but for herself, since saying it aloud would make everything even more real and more difficult to bear.</p><p>"I don't want people to think Jessica is doing me favors, even though I will pay for all the service. There's enough gossip about why I got my job as it is, I don't need more of it." She sighed and looked at the New York skyline through his window. "Mike and Rachel have done enough for me already and I feel like a burden for them already." Her eyes started to well up, for weakness wasn't something she liked to admit. "And Harvey? We're not even friends anymore. You know he didn't even visit me when I was in the hospital... He never asked if I was okay—"</p><p>"That's not true, Donna," Louis cut her off. "He—"</p><p>"The day I came back to the office?" She said, not giving a chance for him to finish, "he didn't want to know about me... He wanted to know if he would be okay working close to me," she wiped her tears with the back of her hand and continued with a shaky voice, "but not if I would be okay with seeing how he'd moved on, how he'd given up on me and how he'd lost faith." She took a deep breath and looked at her friend, concluding her statement, "so yes, Louis. I trust Jessica, Mike, and Rachel, but I choose you."</p><p>Donna didn't say she trusted Harvey, but Louis knew that she did. She was just hurting too much to admit it. He understood her resentment and if it was himself without Sheila, he would be just as upset. Without words to comfort his friend, he just reached for her hand and squeezed it, looking in her eyes and gathering forces not to cry in front of her.</p><p>"You can always count on me, Donna. But we'll need help."</p><p>"I'm sure Katrina will be up for it, just ask her not to mention all of this to anyone, please."</p><p>He nodded and she let go of his hand, fixing her skirt and going to the lady's room to fix her makeup.</p><p>…</p><p>Monday proved to be a productive day for Harvey. He didn't see Donna all day, and he was able to close a client. He could almost say he had been having a good day. Almost. For Monday evening came to disturb his resolve.</p><p>Harvey returned to the office and went straight to the partner's kitchen to get some coffee. Sure, he was not used to getting his coffee from there, but the coffee cart guy was too crowded for his liking in the rush hour. Before he could step inside the kitchen, though, he heard Louis speaking in a muffled voice.</p><p>"...and Donna doesn't want anybody to know about the class action, so it's just you and I.''</p><p>"What class action?" Harvey asked stepping inside the room, startling Louis and Katrina who were seated at a desk like school girls gossiping.</p><p>Louis stared at Harvey, dumbstruck. He could not believe that less than twelve hours in, he'd managed to spill the beans to the one person Donna didn't want to find out.</p><p>"Louis, I asked what class action?" Harvey approached Louis as a predator. He knew all of them were hiding something from him, and he did not appreciate it. When did everybody stop trusting him?</p><p>"I'm sorry, Harvey. It's attorney-client privilege." Katrina spoke, diverting Harvey's gaze from Louis to her. "If you want to know more, I guess you should talk to Donna."</p><p>Harvey wanted to say more, but couldn't. He knew they wouldn't tell him more, and he felt betrayed. Betrayed by Donna, and that hurt more than he cared to admit.</p><p>He faced Louis, pointing a finger at him. "We're not done," Harvey said, turning on his heel and going to Donna's office.</p><p>Donna was sitting at her desk, her four-colored Bic pen trapped between her teeth as she focussed on the files in front of her. She jumped in her chair when she heard Harvey's angry voice coming from her door.</p><p>"What class action? What's going on, and why didn't you tell me?" Harvey was red-faced and fuming, but despite his outburst, she sighed and got up from her chair, already putting a few things in her handbag to head home. She knew he was bound to find out sooner or later. She just figured it would take a while longer, but apparently, she had been wrong.</p><p>"Well, Harvey. For starters, I don't owe you an explanation, and who I choose to be my lawyer is none of your concern." She spoke quietly, almost matter-of-factly, if it wasn't for her tense shoulders and her avoidance to look him in the eyes.</p><p>"Bullshit, Donna! You don't hide things from me! What class action and why is Louis your lawyer?" He raised his voice, stepping further into her office.</p><p>"He's my lawyer because I trust him and he's my friend." She stopped five feet away from him, ready to get home but not wanting to get closer to him to go through the door.</p><p>"And I'm not?" His anger was something she was expecting, but not the hurt that flashed through his eyes. She decided to ignore it. She just needed to get away from him, not wanting to deal with his outburst.</p><p>"No, Harvey. We're not friends. Not anymore. You made sure of that when you told me you loved me and left without even telling me how," her voice quivered slightly, "and when I was in the hospital and you didn't come to visit. And, when you didn't ask me how I was dealing with the fact that I lost two goddamn years of my life," she shook her head and looked at him, not hiding the tears in her eyes. "So no, Harvey. We're not friends. And if you excuse me, I've got somewhere to be."</p><p>Donna sidestepped him and stormed out of her office. His heart was pounding fast, but he couldn't let her go, not without finding out what the class action was about and not talking things through with her. So he went after her and grabbed her shoulder to stop her from entering an elevator.</p><p>At that moment, with a strong hand holding her back, in Donna's mind, she was no longer at the firm...</p><p>She was cold, too cold.</p><p>Her clothes did nothing to prevent her from freezing, but she was on high alert. Her surroundings made her feel as lonely as one could get, except for the older man fighting her. She grabbed the hand on her shoulder and twisted it with her own, turning to face him and pulling him to her, only to hit him hard in the chest, throwing him across the snow at least seven feet away from her.</p><p>"Oh my God!" Donna heard Rachel's voice coming from behind her, and suddenly she was back at the firm.</p><p>She looked at Harvey, ten feet away from her. The polished floor gave him less resistance than the snow. Her handbag was by her feet and she looked at the startled face of her best friend and Harvey on the ground.</p><p>"Oh my God!" Donna mirrored her friend's expression, covering her mouth with her hands. She gave a step towards Harvey, who was trying to get up, with a slight grimace on his face, but before she could get closer, the elevator dinged and Paula stepped out of the metal box.</p><p>She looked at her husband on the ground, close to the firm's sign and the two women in front of him, looking astonished. Harvey, on the other hand, looked dumbfounded.</p><p>"What happened here?" Paula asked, looking from Rachel to Donna and Harvey.</p><p>If he wasn't so worried about her, he might think being thrown by Donna was slightly amusing...</p><p>He took a second to acknowledge Paula's presence, but when he saw her bewildered expression, he almost started laughing.</p><p>"Is anyone going to explain to me why I found my husband on the floor like this?" She questioned, the three people nearest to her, kneeling beside Harvey.</p><p>"I'm so sorry... I ... It's just... I ..." Donna choked on her words, still paralyzed.</p><p>"You did this?" Paula helped Harvey stand up and crossed the room to face Donna. "You're telling me that just as I stepped out of the lift, you threw my husband across the room?"</p><p>"I..." Donna stepped back. The tears welling up in her eyes made Harvey get a grip. He stepped further and tried to touch his wife on the arm, trying to calm her and protect Donna, but she flinched.</p><p>"Paula, calm down. I believe—" Rachel stepped closer, almost standing between the blonde and her friend.</p><p>"Stay the hell out of it, Rachel! This woman is dangerous! She shouldn't be back at work! She should be in a psychiatric clinic somewhere!" Paula raised her voice, stepping further into Donna's personal space.</p><p>"That's enough, Paula." Harvey clutched her by the hand and guided her out of the curious faces some associates seemed to have. He gave them a piercing look and turned to Rachel.</p><p>"Take Donna home, will you? Please." He said, releasing Paula and letting her lead the way to his office.</p><p>Rachel nodded, took her friend's handbag, and secured her own on the same arm, guiding a stunned Donna out of the firm.</p><p>...</p><p>Paula stalked out of the hallway to Harvey's office and he followed closely behind. He closed the glass door and faced his wife, who was really riled up from her confrontation with Donna.</p><p>"Paula—" he started.</p><p>"No, Harvey," she raised her hand to cut him off, "I hate her!"</p><p>"Just remember, she's been through a lot."</p><p>Harvey's defense of Donna didn't make Paula any happier, so she continued.</p><p>"I've been on eggshells since Donna came back: trying not to say the wrong thing, trying to imagine what it's like for her, but I am done!"</p><p>"Paula…"</p><p>"Donna Paulsen is delusional and dangerous!"</p><p>"She just lost two years of her life," he tried to reason.</p><p>"Was she any nicer two years ago!? Because she just managed to throw you across a room full of people!" She released an exasperated sigh.</p><p>"I understand why you have a problem with her."</p><p>"No, she's the one with the problem! I'm not going to apologize because I remember the last 24 months, or because I'm married to the man that I love!"</p><p>"You're being too emotional," he tilted his head to the right trying to soften his expression.</p><p>"No, I'm reacting intelligently, as I expected Donna to. She's been gone two years, you'd think she'd listen to people instead of assaulting them! She's horrible! And she definitely shouldn't be back at work."</p><p>Harvey moved closer, taking hold of Paula gently by both forearms.</p><p>"Okay, stop. She's been through something and hasn't been acting normally. But give her a minute! I mean, the way things are, no one would blame you if the two of you hated each other. But I actually believe that you'll end up respecting her. You might even like her."</p><p>He didn't know what had happened to Donna to make her react so impulsively and with such violence. However, he didn't know if he actually wanted to know what happened to her because the thought of her being harmed in any way made his bile reach his throat.</p><p>"Well, then she shouldn't be at work now, should she?" Paula asked, but appeared to be considering what Harvey had said.</p><p>"I'll talk to her," he said, but added "and Jessica" quickly before her hardening expression became another outburst.</p><p>Harvey leaned in and kissed her lightly on the mouth, which diffused her anger.</p><p>"Just remember that I love you." Paula smiled at his words and sighed, embracing the feeling his lips left on hers and letting the subject go for a while.</p><p>…</p><p>Rachel went to a bar with Donna and ordered two tequila shots.</p><p>Donna's shoulders were hunched on the bar stool. She just grabbed the glass and downed its content in one go, shaking her head lightly at the bitter taste.</p><p>"Can you tell me what the hell was that all about?" Rachel tried to look into Donna's eyes, which were focussed anywhere but on her friend.</p><p>"He touched my arm and suddenly I wasn't at the firm anymore." Donna lowered her gaze and took a deep breath.</p><p>"What do you mean? You blacked out?" Concern was written all over the brunette's face.</p><p>"Kind of… I don't know… My body just reacted on its own." Donna's eyes filled with tears but decided to change the subject instead of heading to her empty apartment. "How did they meet?"</p><p>Rachel was surprised by the sudden change, but went with it, knowing it wouldn't be good to push her friend for further explanation.</p><p>"You mean Harvey and Paula?"</p><p>The redhead faced her friend, nodded, and sighed.</p><p>"Well… When you died—" Rachel cleared her throat and fixed her statement, "went missing… Everyone was in bad shape. So when Harvey came back from God knows where he had been, he looked for psychological help and Paula was his therapist for a few months. Then they started dating, and the rest is history."</p><p>"But why did he—"</p><p>"Need help?" Rachel beat Donna to her question. "Everyone of us needed it, especially him since he was the one to tell your parents, arrange your funeral and see your body—"</p><p>"WAIT! Body? There was a body?" Donna didn't know they had seen her seemingly dead body.</p><p>"Well… yes. He identified your body at the morgue and all."</p><p>"I see…" Donna averted her gaze from her friend and faced the exit. She couldn't bear the look of her friend or the crowd of the bar anymore.</p><p>He couldn't have found her. Harvey couldn't have saved her. He had seen her motionless body and thought she was actually dead. She didn't know if her kidnappers had sedated her to make her look dead, or shown him a dummy of herself.</p><p>She was sad and confused. But most of all, she was furious with those who had done this to her and her friends.</p><p>After Rachel insisted on seeing Donna to her apartment, the redhead left her stilettos by the front door and grabbed her phone to schedule an earlier appointment with Dr. Lipschitz.</p>
<hr/><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: If you're wondering about what was said in that part of S&amp;J's song, here's the translation:</p><p>And if far away it's like this</p><p>It won't end</p><p>Not even if I want to, you won't leave my mind</p><p>I've already tried, but to forget you like this is not possible.</p><p>It's not perfect, but it's pretty close to what they meant. :)</p><p>Someone asked how many parts this story will be and I'm thinking maybe twelve to fourteen chapters… I have everything outlined but characters tend to have a life of their own. xD Also, I have a beta, but even with her awesomeness, sometimes we miss my typos. Either way, feel free to leave me a private message or a comment if you find any mistakes. :) English is not my native language and I'm here to learn too. If you want to reach me over twitter … dri_micheletti</p><p>Shout-out to who caught the MerDer reference on the previous chapter!</p><p>Every comment and criticism is very much appreciated. Cassie, thank you for the idea of Donna throwing Harvey. It was so much fun to write! Some of this was borrowed from the script of another TV series called ALIAS. I own nothing but a very weird brain.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Not enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"I'm so sorry, Harvey. I thought... I thought you didn't care enough. I thought I didn't mean as much to you as you mean—"</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p> I've done some research and I don't know if the terminology is okay, but please be nice! :)<br/>The conversation between Stan and Donna… well… I wrote it from my own experience with therapy, so … try to be gentle as well.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>"So, you're telling me you had a psychogenic blackout?"</p>
<p>Dr. Stan Lipschitz wasn't a man to show emotion easily, but that morning he did. It was quick and subtle, but Donna saw it. He was surprised. Donna nodded in confirmation. She had googled the medical term the same day it had happened, so it wasn't something new for her, but the name was still scary.</p>
<p>"I believe this is a symptom of PTSD," he continued. "I knew you were going to have nightmares or flashes of what had happened to you once your induced dissociative amnesia wore off. But I must admit I wasn't expecting it to escalate like this."</p>
<p>"Well... I might not have been dealing with everything that happened in the best way possible." Donna avoided his gaze. Shame running through her bloodstream and reaching her cheeks.</p>
<p>"Why is that?" The doctor asked, intrigued.</p>
<p>"I've been drinking," she blurted, like ripping off a band-aid. "Not too much, but enough to sleep without having nightmares."</p>
<p>Dr. Lipschitz knew that whenever a patient said they didn't drink too much, it was actually the opposite. Also, drinking to numb dreams wasn't the wisest course of action to fix her problem.</p>
<p>"Donna, if you keep avoiding your dreams and your feelings, you won't feel better."</p>
<p>"But the dreams... they're so vivid. I feel everything and when... when Harvey touched my shoulder... It was like I was dreaming again." A tear escaped her left eye, and she cleaned it away instantly with the back of her hand.</p>
<p>She had told the doctor what she had done to Harvey and how broken she had felt. It was like her body had betrayed her. She had lost not only most of her personal effects but also a friend and now her mind. The only thing she thought no one could steal from her, she was losing. Her heart was broken. Her body had been violated. She had lost her best friend, and now what? What else was left to lose?</p>
<p>"I want to leave, Stan. I don't want to face Harvey and his wife again. I want revenge for what those people did to me, and then I want to be anywhere but New York." Donna felt that without a reason to stay, she might as well just leave. She felt disconnected to her reality and her life. Therefore, a fresh beginning sounded more appealing than staying. "And seeing Harvey every day..." She gasped. "It breaks me he is happy with someone that isn't me. He moved on without me, but I'm stuck. While everybody went on with their lives, someone hit pause on mine. And I can't keep up! I need to move on, but Harvey is there, and I can't breathe with him orbiting around me."</p>
<p>"Answer me this, Donna. Do you want him to leave his wife for you?"</p>
<p>She stared at him. Her mouth agape. She never actually thought of it, because it was never on the table. It wasn't anything conceivable. But in that room, she could want everything. Right there, no one would judge her for wanting a married man.</p>
<p>"Not if he is happy. But yes, I want him to want me. I've wanted him to want me for as long as I've known him."</p>
<p>"This is progress, Donna. Facing your desires is good, but this week, I want you to think of a way to move on without him."</p>
<p>"How am I supposed to move on when he feels like my soulmate?"</p>
<p>"Is he yours? And equally relevant, are you his?"</p>
<p>"I don't know. But it doesn't matter. I'll find a way to move on either way."</p>
<p>"That's good to hear." A slight grin graced the face of the psychiatrist.</p>
<p>"Easier said than done."</p>
<p>"I guess we'll see," he said, standing up from his chair. "Before you go, I think you should take these for your PTSD," he said, showing her a prescription for some medicine, "but you can't take it with alcohol."</p>
<p>Donna also stood up and fixed her dress with both hands before picking up her handbag. She acknowledged the doctor's recommendations with a nod and waited for him to open the door.</p>
<p>He handed her the prescription for some pills, but before he could let her take the sheet of paper, he spoke.</p>
<p>"This will not numb you enough to prevent the dreams, but they will be less 'vivid' as you put it. Remember, they're just dreams. And don't run away from your feelings, embrace them as they come and then let them go."</p>
<p>Donna felt much lighter after talking to Stan. But she still needed to apologize to Harvey, and the thought of it left a lump in her throat. The thought of throwing him to the ground terrified her to the core. She has always been a calm person, one that would never act violently. Yet, she brought down a man almost twice her size with minimum effort. She did not understand how she managed to do that, albeit she was sure it had to do with her two-year black out. Plus, she was concerned about him, but knowing he liked to box, she was almost certain he didn't get physically hurt because of her. However, only talking to him she would relax because 'almost sure' wasn't good enough. She had to know he was okay.</p>
<p>
  <em>I wanna mean something to somebody else</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Feel a significance in the real world</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It's not enough to live out a lucky life</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>(Immortal - Marina and the diamonds)</em>
</p>
<p>She got to the office later than usual, due to her early morning session with Dr. Lipschitz, and Harvey was already in her office waiting for her. He was sitting on her couch, a case file in hand, and two cups of coffee in front of him.</p>
<p>"If I had known you'd buy me coffee, I wouldn't have bought my own," she tried to ease into the conversation they were about to have.</p>
<p>"Donna..." He looked at her and couldn't help but notice her figure wrapped perfectly in a low-cut burgundy dress.</p>
<p>"It's fine, I can drink two coffees. I actually need two coffees."</p>
<p>"Don—"</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, Harvey," she cut him off, and looked him in the eye. She was embarrassed, but knew she wasn't the only one at fault.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have pushed you to tell me what has been going on with your life," he apologized too, closing the file and giving her all his attention.</p>
<p>"I shouldn't have thrown you across the hall for pushing me for answers, and that is unacceptable. I really am sorry. Are you okay? Does it hurt?"</p>
<p>"I'm fine, Donna. Don't worry. But I'm worried about you."</p>
<p>"I'm getting help," she admitted, "Dr. Lipschitz is an amazing doctor." Then, she allowed herself to really see him. He was wearing a three-piece Tom Ford suit. His tie was a pleasant shade of blue. Which she knew to be his vulnerable signature, and she craved for a vulnerable Harvey.</p>
<p>"I'm glad to hear."</p>
<p>There's an awkward silence between them, and Harvey clears his throat, getting up from the couch.</p>
<p>"I understand if you don't want to keep me in the loop of what's going on, but if you're going after the people who hurt you... Let me tell you that there's nothing I want more than seeing those people locked away for good."</p>
<p>"I am... going after them..." She looked at her shoes.</p>
<p>"Good."</p>
<p>"Good," she agrees.</p>
<p>He turned and tried to leave her office, but decided against it. Choosing to address what had been eating up at him and stopping her from going over to her desk.</p>
<p>"Why not me? Why did you ask Louis and even Samantha, whom you barely know, to help and not me?"</p>
<p>They looked into each other's glassy eyes.</p>
<p>"Because I figured that if you wanted to help, you would have found a way to. You know you were the only one of all our friends who didn't show up for me? You just gave me the news and left... like the other time."</p>
<p>She didn't have to say which other time; he knew she was talking about the night she had disappeared.</p>
<p>"So no, Harvey. I didn't, and still don't, feel comfortable asking you for help."</p>
<p>"I did go to see you."</p>
<p>She kept looking at him, but now questioning his sentence.</p>
<p>"In the hospital, I mean. But I went there only when you were asleep. Paula doesn't know about it. Only Mike does since he told me the time of your meds and all..."</p>
<p>When Donna passed out in front of Harvey when he told her she had been missing, he assisted her to the emergency room and remained there until Mike and Rachel showed up. They talked about her and how happy they were for her to be back. Of course, Harvey was too glad she was alive, but he felt guilty. Guilty for not going after her. For just accepting that she was dead, even after seeing her corpse in the morgue, he felt as if he should have fought harder. The guilt was eating him alive, so when she began to stir, he excused himself and went out of her hospital room. Rachel stayed in the room, but Mike went after his friend. Harvey explained he couldn't face Donna, not at the second. He also asked Mike to keep him posted about the time of her meds and how she was doing when she was awake. He would come back, he just couldn't look into the eyes of the woman that meant the world to him, but wasn't his wife. Mike understood and promised Harvey current updates.</p>
<p>So, when he explained what he had asked Mike, she saw the Harvey she once knew. Only that Harvey could pull off something like this. Anything to avoid a hard conversation. Although, he was there talking to her, which was unlike him. She guessed that two years could really change a person.</p>
<p>"Why? Why didn't you go when I was awake?" she asked, waiting for him to either avoid the question or just leave her without an answer.</p>
<p>"Because it hurt, Donna. It hurt not to have you by my side, that I wasn't the one to find you, and that I wasn't strong enough to face you in the hospital. And the day I told you you had been missing? It took a piece of me, but I was still your emergency contact and they called me, so... I did it. But it hurt and still does."</p>
<p>His sincerity made her eyes fill with more tears, for he mostly took her aback."I'm so sorry, Harvey. I thought... I thought you didn't care enough. I thought I didn't mean as much to you as you mean—"</p>
<p>"I'm sorry to intrude, Donna, but I have some news and I think we should talk." Samantha interrupted them, entering the office and looking at Donna.</p>
<p>Donna took in the blonde and Harvey. The redhead sighed and made a decision that was probably the wrong one.</p>
<p>"It's fine, Wheeler. If it's about my case, you can tell me in front of him." Harvey looked at Donna, and a surprised smirk graced his face. They were finally making progress.</p>
<p>"Well... Okay, then." Samantha cleared her throat and began. "So... I've got intel of where you were."</p>
<p>"Seriously?" Donna braced herself for what was about to come.</p>
<p>"Yeah. Turns out, that picture of you in the paper was taken on a farm close to Idaho. However, previous to that, you were in England."</p>
<p>"England?"</p>
<p>"That's where their headquarters were and it explains the snow, I guess."</p>
<p>"Okay, so what now? Can we sue their asses already?" Harvey asked, already feeling his heart rate increase.</p>
<p>"That's the good part... Some of your kidnapers are already in custody. I'll have all the proof next week, or the week after tops. And then we can move forward and once we get them all, we can come after every single one of them and watch them burn." Samantha explained with pride and excitement.</p>
<p>"That's good! That's good, right?" Harvey looked at Donna, searching for her affirmation, but he'd seen none. She was looking at Samantha with panic in her eyes.</p>
<p>She didn't know what to do. Ever since she 'came back to life', she had one purpose: go after those who had stolen two years of her life. But she hadn't thought about what to do after that. She guessed then, she would definitely have to move on. She doesn't know where or with whom, but she would have to. She just didn't think it would be so soon.</p>
<p>"Yes, yes. It's good." She swallowed a lump in her throat, avoided their gazes and moved to leave the office. "If you'll excuse me, I need to freshen up."</p>
<p>Samantha looked at Harvey puzzled, as Donna left. "That's what she wanted, right?" The blonde asked no one in particular. But being the only one present, Harvey answered.</p>
<p>"I'll go check on her," he told her, leaving the office.</p>
<p>"But she's in the lady's room..." She tried to warn him, but he was already far away to listen. "Nevermind," Samantha sighed and went to her own office.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>"Donna?" Harvey entered the restroom and checked the stalls to see if there was anyone else besides the redhead facing the mirror with tears on her face.</p>
<p>"I'm fine, Harvey." She sniffed and wiped moisture with the back of her hand.</p>
<p>"Donna, please don't shut me out." He begged.</p>
<p>"I'm just scared," she confessed and sighed, averting her gaze.</p>
<p>He moved forward and wrapped her in his firm arms. It surprised her at first, which made her stiffen at the contact, but then she let his warmth soothe her anguish. She placed her arms around his waist and leaned closer in the crook of his neck. He buried his face in her hair, instantaneously feeling her intoxicating scent reach the obscure parts of his soul and drag them out to the light. She was all he ever needed, which was why he couldn't let what was happening between them carry on. He couldn't be like his mother, but god he wished he could touch her more than he was.</p>
<p>He let go of her then and placed his hands on her forearms, looking intensely at her eyes, and seeing that most of her tears were already dry.</p>
<p>"I need you to be okay, Donna."</p>
<p>"I will, Harvey." She said, not as a promise to him but to herself. She felt as if he had shared some of his strength with her. She needed to thrive, and if to do that she needed to move on from the only person who made her feel alive and strong, then she would. Because she was Donna, and she was a force to be reckoned with. She would find a way to be strong without him.</p>
<p>He saw it then, the determination and strength come back to her features. He saw the Donna from two years ago. He saw his can-opener Donna and I'll-take-a-bullet-for-you Donna. He saw his Donna. And he finally realized that he was indeed irrevocably and hopelessly in love with a woman that wasn't his wife. With Donna, it went beyond the physical or the exchanged glances. With her, he felt as if his life would burst with joy. With her he could be happy.</p>
<p>"Good," he said, instead of saying all the things that would break his marriage.</p>
<p>"Good," she mirrored his words and kissed his cheek. The contact was quicker than both wanted, but it was enough to mend some pieces of their broken hearts.</p>
<p>For him, it felt like a realization. For her, it felt like saying goodbye to the past.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Three days later, Donna was getting more and more eager to get all the proof Samantha said she would get. She would have a list of all the people that might want to join the class-action and a list of the people that had hurt her. And then, after seeing all those responsible locked away and the victims with some kind of consolation, she would move on. She decided she would leave the apartment she was getting really comfortable in, she would leave the firm and her job along with. She would start over. And that scared and excited her all at once.</p>
<p>Donna made a list of potential places she would like to live during a particularly calm day at the firm. Somewhere sunny, like Santa Monica. She was sure she had some friends from her old theater crew living there now. Maybe she could even go back to acting.</p>
<p>Normally, the uncertainty would leave her agitated and too nervous, but she felt a sense of renewal. The only thing nagging at her thrill was a certain lawyer. She knew she would hurt her friends, but she was sure they would understand in the end. Harvey, on the other hand, wouldn't understand, and that she was sure of. He might be married and they might not be as close as they once were, but if the last few days taught her anything, it was that Harvey still cared. Of course, she cared about him too, but she needed to live her life, and she wouldn't be able to do that with him around all the time. She had to put herself first.</p>
<p>Thinking about leaving the office earlier for the day, Donna was about to put some files away, when a knock on her door made the corners of her mouth lift slightly.</p>
<p>"I hope I'm not interrupting."</p>
<p>"Not at all, Thomas. Come in." She looked deep into the eyes of the tall and handsome man standing in front of her. His suit was tailored to fit him perfectly and his gentle expression told her he wasn't there for business.</p>
<p>"What can I do for you?" She tilted her head to the side in curiosity.</p>
<p>"I came by to give Alex some files and stopped by and say hello," he said, avoiding her stare and looking at his shoes.</p>
<p>"Oh, you didn't come here for that. You have people to do those things for you," she teased, giving him a full smirk. The truth was, she was hoping he'd admit why he was really there. She thought they had really hit it off at the firm event and was pretty disappointed when he hadn't called.</p>
<p>"You're right. I didn't come here just for that. I came to ask you to have dinner with me tonight." He looked at her then, with hope in his eyes and a sheepish smile.</p>
<p>He really was handsome. His green eyes and perfect jaw made her stomach flutter. His relaxed and laid back demeanor was a true contrast to her life. And she needed that. "Tonight?" Donna asked, confused by the sudden invite.</p>
<p>"Well. That is, if you don't have any plans." Is he blushing now? She thought. Boy, could he get any cuter.</p>
<p>"I was planning on calling last week, but work was pretty hectic, and when I finally got some free time, I thought about who I wanted to spend it with."</p>
<p>"Thomas..." She was the one blushing at this point. Maybe moving on would be easier than she thought</p>
<p>"What do you say?" He gave her sweet eyes, 'which surprised her by making her giggle, and she didn't know why, but the ordeal she'd been through was swept aside, and she felt like a teenager, again'.</p>
<p>"Let me grab my bag."</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Thomas was funny, intelligent, witted, and a perfect gentleman. At first, Donna couldn't understand why he was single, but thinking about it, it made sense. They both had a very busy schedule, and their lives revolved around work. Of course, she had more going on besides work, but her class action wasn't something she would mention on a first date.</p>
<p>Thomas sensed she was hiding something when he asked about her past and how she got to be COO, but he only hoped she would open up, eventually. Donna was everything he wanted in a woman. She was smart, sexy, strong, and wasn't afraid to speak her mind. At first, Thomas couldn't understand why she wasn't spoken for but considered himself lucky to at least have a shot with her.</p>
<p>They talked about the food, their jobs, their families, and even about the future. He wanted to expand his business, and she admitted she wanted a change of scenery. He asked her why, which made her avert her gaze and face the wide window of the fancy Italian restaurant he had chosen.</p>
<p>"I think I just need to put myself first and do what's best for me," she answered. She didn't say she needed to put herself above Harvey, but it was implied in the back of her mind.</p>
<p>Thomas just figured it had to do with her position as COO and that's why she diverted his questions about the subject.</p>
<p>Their conversation flowed easily. She felt lighter and more relaxed, something she hadn't experienced in a long while. She could only think that the presence of the handsome man who kept brushing his pinky on her hand was the reason she couldn't stop flushing.</p>
<p>After paying for dinner, he asked if he could walk her home, and she happily accepted. They talked and laughed. Everything about this man seemed to be almost perfect.</p>
<p>"Well... this is me," she said when they reached her building. They had walked, almost hand in hand the few blocks to her apartment, dreading to have to say goodbye.</p>
<p>"I know," he turned to face her and saw a flash of yellow. He raised his hand to hail the approaching cab and sighed. He really wanted to kiss her.</p>
<p>"Wow. They never actually come that fast when I want them to," she told him, smiling and shaking her head. Boy, he was cute even at hailing cabs.</p>
<p>"What can I say? I've got a way with cabs," he shrugged off, as it wasn't a big deal, and it wasn't. But he still made her laugh.</p>
<p>"Thank you, for an amazing night," she said then, taking a slight step closer to him.</p>
<p>"I've just got to tell you sometimes you don't know what you've been missing until you have it," he explained, seemingly out of the blue. "So look, I don't want to wait three days to call you or whatever the rules are," he smiled at her and the look in his eyes spoke enough to tell her he wanted to.</p>
<p>"Can we just skip that? Can tomorrow be our three days?" He asked, more as a plea.</p>
<p>She weighed her options. She could say no and keep pining over someone that was already taken. She could say yes, go out with him again, and have another exceptional night. Or, she could make the best out of the night they were already having.</p>
<p>"What if we just say it's tonight? And you come on up," she suggested, thinking she had enough of missed opportunities.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Donna and Thomas spent the rest of the week in peaceful bliss. He could make her laugh and was a great kisser. He could almost make the rest of the world disappear, which was exactly what she needed. She felt happy and carefree. She still didn't know if this relationship was leading anywhere or if she could consider not moving to another state. All she knew was she was having fun with him and she would live in the moment.</p>
<p>Although in her mind it didn't seem like over two years have passed, her body was definitely different. With all the problems she had faced during the last three months, she didn't have time to pay attention to anything but her mind. But with Thomas, boy, it felt different. She couldn't quite explain even if she tried to. Thomas certainly hadn't experienced anything as amazing as he did with the redhead. Sure, he had high expectations, but she blew his mind with her stamina and eagerness.</p>
<p>In other words, she had been horny for a long time, and finally could release some of the built-up tension. Moreover, she didn't feel the need to bite her tongue from screaming Harvey's name, which could also be deemed as progress.</p>
<p>She was so content that she even started leaving work at a reasonable hour, something that Harvey noticed and did not could acknowledge the amazing work she has been doing, but her leaving earlier than usual bothered him as images of her past relationships flooding back to his memory. He recognized all the signs of someone new in her life. When she wouldn't arrive at the office before 7:30, or when she would wear a spring in her step. But what really told him she had someone new in her life was when she was at the elevator and didn't see him there. They could always sense when each other was close, but she was smiling at her phone and glowing and not noticing him and he just knew. She was moving on, and he had no right to be bothered. Yet he was.</p>
<p>The last straw for him was in a partner-meeting that didn't require much of her attention and she still insisted on participating. He was sitting by her side, and she was just taking some notes. They were about to announce Harvey was set to have his name back on the wall when her phone vibrated, and Thomas' name flashed on the screen. No one really paid attention to it, since Jessica kept on talking</p>
<p>"So I believe we can all agree that the firm will profit from..."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, I just can't." Harvey snapped as he interrupted Jessica and looked at Donna. Everybody was staring at him, including Donna. "Donna, I believe it's only polite for you to put your phone away when you're in an important meeting."</p>
<p>"Harv—" Jessica started, but he cut her off one more time. Donna was looking bewildered and angry at him. What the fuck was wrong with him?</p>
<p>"No, I'm just saying, Jessica. If someone insists on attending a meeting, they should at least pay more attention."</p>
<p>"Harvey, my phone is just on the table like everyone else's and, I might add, on silent. So, what's the real issue here?" Donna's eyes were as wide as saucers. And everybody was looking at him. Jessica was the first to break the silence when he couldn't answer Donna's question.</p>
<p>"Well... I guess we should keep in mind the actual issue here, that it is Mr. Jokling's lawsuit against..." Jessica kept talking, averting the situation, but neither Harvey nor Donna could listen to her anymore. Donna was embarrassed and hurt, and Harvey was annoyed as hell.</p>
<p>As soon as the meeting was over, Donna stormed out of the conference room and went to her office. Harvey considered going after her, but Jessica's voice stopped him in his tracks.</p>
<p>"Harvey, a word, please." She said in a calm and intimidating voice that sent a shiver down Harvey's spine. He knew he was in trouble, and he knew why.</p>
<p>When everyone was out of the room, he decided to tackle the subject before her.</p>
<p>"Jessica, I know—"</p>
<p>"Now you listen to me, boy," she said, turning from her files and facing him. There was a glint in her eyes that could only be described as annoyance. He felt his breath hitch in his throat.</p>
<p>"Never interrupt me during a meeting! Is that clear?" She spoke without raising her tone of voice and emanating power.</p>
<p>He swallowed dry sand and nodded. He felt like a child who had just badly behaved and was waiting for some kind of punishment.</p>
<p>"Now leave, before I set fire to your desk," she added playfully, but with an edge of seriousness. And apologize to the woman for Christ's sake, she doesn't deserve the way you just treated her." Jessica said, turning back to her documents and leaving no place for argumentation.</p>
<p>He had screwed up, and he knew it.</p>
<p>It was like every step he took to have a normal relationship with Donna, another two were taken back.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>"Donna..." Harvey started as soon as he entered her office. She was facing the window with a glass of water in hand. She was clearly shaken, and when she turned to him, he saw tears in her eyes. God, he could be such a dick at times.</p>
<p>"You know what, Harvey? I don't wanna hear it." She shook her head and swallowed the content of her glass in one gulp. "Just leave me alone."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry," he apologized, without averting his gaze from her. He knew he was the one at fault and he couldn't let his feelings towards her screw their fragile relationship. She had all the right in the world to date whoever she wanted, and he needed to accept that. But it hurt more than he thought it would.</p>
<p>"What?" She gasped, taking him in. He looked pained and exhausted, she was surprised to see him apologizing so bluntly.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry. I was an asshole… I just…" he exhaled, "it just bothers me."</p>
<p>She gave him a tight smile and a nod. The way he spoke to her at the meeting still hurt her, but he was at least recognizing he had been an asshole, and that was a huge step for him. And if she couldn't recognize that too... well...</p>
<p>"I—" but she was cut off.</p>
<p>"Good! You're here! I just got the info on your case and I think you'll want to see this." Samantha said, storming into Donna's office, not acknowledging Harvey's presence. Closing the door behind her, she gave Donna a flash drive, and then looked at Harvey, not really knowing if she should have said anything in front of the lawyer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p> Don't forget to let me know what you all think. I borrowed some of this from the script of another TV series called ALIAS. I own nothing but a very weird brain. Sorry (not) about the cliffhanger. xD</p>
<p>Cassie, you're a godsent! Thank you for being an amazing beta and friend!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The seas are frozen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"She went numb, clicking on the first video file that took her back to a time and place her mind had blocked out..."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is where you find out what really happened to Donna. I hope you like it! I would rate this as M because there's mention of violence, but nothing is too graphic. Thank you, Cassie (Follow-ur-Shadow), for being so incredibly talented and such a great friend! Thank you, Debbie (anistonrafferty) and Babz (itsbabzbabe) on twitter for all the encouragement!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>When Donna took the flash drive from Samantha, she rounded her table and moved over to her desk to plug it into her computer. Harvey didn't know if he should stick around or leave and looked at Samantha looking for some kind of hint of what he should do.</p>
<p>"I think it's good if you stay, Harvey." Samantha suggested even though it wasn't her place to. But the last times she told Donna about the case, the redhead was really upset, and Harvey seemed to be the only one able to calm her down.</p>
<p>"You don't have to—" Donna started, but was cut off by Harvey.</p>
<p>"I want to. If it's no problem…"</p>
<p>Both women nodded and Donna directed her gaze to her computer that had just finished reading the device. Suddenly, a file was opened, and other files with random names were inside. Donna scrolled the screen until she reached the letter P, since all the files started with people's surnames. She opened a file named "Paulsen, D." and there she could see many videos organized by dates and times. Most of the thumbnails featured her face in black and white. She gasped and peered at Harvey and Samantha. This was it. She would finally find out what had happened to her, and she wasn't prepared for it. But she felt as if she would never really be ready to find out and she might as well get this over with.</p>
<p>She grabbed her laptop, stood up and went for the door. Before Donna could reach the threshold, however, she faced Samantha.</p>
<p>"Get Louis. We're going to the conference room 3," the redhead said.</p>
<p>"He's my lawyer and I think he should see this too," Donna added, feeling the need to explain seeing Harvey's quizzical look.</p>
<p>Harvey looked tense between the two women. He didn't know if he really wanted to find out what happened to Donna during those two years. But he gathered all his courage and followed them to the conference room. Even though he felt he should deal with her case, he was glad Louis was doing it. He didn't know if he could keep his cool facing the people who hurt Donna. If Samantha considered his presence important and Donna didn't object, he figured it would be best to swallow his demons and be strong.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>As soon as Harvey, Louis and Samantha were seated around the redhead facing the screen of her computer, she fired the first video and began seeing the movie of her life. Black and white images started flashing before her eyes. All the feelings and all the memories that her brain had prevented her from seeing came back to her as if the train of her past collided with her present, wrecking her resolve and ability to think straight.</p>
<p>
  <em>If I could buy forever at a price</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I would buy it twice, twice</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But if the Earth ends in fire</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And the seas are frozen in time</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>There'll be just one survivor</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The memory that I was yours and you were mine</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>(Immortal - Marina and the diamonds)</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>VID_20150226_112330</strong>
</p>
<p>She went numb, clicking on the first video file that took her back to a time and place her mind had blocked out...</p>
<p><em>She couldn't believe he just left. How could he admit his love for her and just leave? What was wrong with him? Of course, she couldn't expect anything other than th</em> <em>at from Harvey. It took the man ten years to acknowledge his feelings, and it would probably require another ten for him to explain them.</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Donna was so mad at him and confused that she hadn't acknowledged a car following her to the bar she met him. She stayed at the bar, venting her frustration, for about twenty minutes and left. She was more than tipsy after knocking down a few drinks and didn't notice a car following her home. And she didn't notice someone approach her at the doorstep of her building. She only noticed their presence when they covered her mouth and nose with a wet cloth that smelled funny. She tried to fight them, but it was futile. Her body went limp within seconds and everything went black.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She woke up to unusual dizziness. She felt drowsy and her pulse was fast, which made her frown and try to blink through the dizziness. Her eyelids were heavy and somehow, she wasn't able to reach her face with her hands. It took awhile for her to adjust to the brightness and get a sense of her surroundings, but once she did, the panic set in.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She didn't recognize the ceiling, nor the dirty silvery walls. She was laid on her back, her wrists tied to a mattress in weird-looking cuffs. Not only did she feel trapped, but also she felt as though she was in a nightmare. In some way she was, although she couldn't wake up from it. She tried to breathe and focus on that. Only the poorly lit area smelled like cheap disinfectant, which made her effort too hard. It seemed she was in an abandoned hospital of some sort.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Her mind was in overdrive and it only got worse when the squeaky wooden door on her left opened, letting an older balding man in a white coat into the room. He faced her and gave her a timid smile that didn't quite reach his piercing blue eyes.</em>
</p>
<p>"<em>Miss Paulsen, I see you're awake. How are you feeling?" He asked, stepping closer to her and touching her wrist to check her pulse. He studied his silver watch for some time before letting her go and grabbing a chair from the corner to sit by her side.</em></p>
<p>"<em>Where am I?" Donna inquired with a strained and shaky voice. She noticed her throat was dry and speaking made her want to cough.</em></p>
<p>"<em>We chose you to be part of our program because of your innate abilities to read people," the man explained as if the said program was known to her, and as if she should be ecstatic by being 'chosen'.</em></p>
<p>"<em>Who are you?" She tried to speak with a normal voice and it only made her choke and feel dizzier.</em></p>
<p>"<em>You can call me Charles. And you and I will work together and will spend lots of time together. But we will get the results that my employers have requested. I always do."</em></p>
<p>
  <em>He ran his hand over her head, trying to be reassuring. When he'd finished, she straightened and looked up at the ceiling of the room. He stuck a needle into her arm and injected her with a neurotoxin that gave her temporary paralysis. She couldn't move nor speak. All she could do was watch as he injected her with more drugs and her surroundings went blurrier.</em>
</p>
<p>"I want to see the next one!" Donna said, surprising the surrounding people.</p>
<p>"Donna, are you sure—" Harvey began, and reached for her hand. They both gasped at the contact of his palm on hers, for it turned the butterflies in their stomachs into fireworks. She had an urge to pull her hand off of his, but his grip was like an anvil keeping her from drifting into the abysm of her own mind.</p>
<p>"I need this," she stated, already clicking to play the next video<em>.</em></p>
<p>While Donna's breathing was unstable, Harvey felt empty and scared. He didn't know how he would cope with seeing her being tortured. He could only imagine that this was just the beginning and things were about to get way worse. But he needed to be strong for her. He could crumble later.</p>
<p>
  <strong>VID_20150301_090845</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>In the back of a van, Charles pushed Donna's gurney upright so she could look out the back windows and he began to tell her a story. "The others were easier to wipe out, but you? We knew he wouldn't let you go unless we left your friends with irrefutable proof that you were really gone."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She then saw Harvey coming from the beach with an empty urn in his hands. They were approaching the van she was in with Charles, but with the black windows they weren't able to see her watching them. Her parents were following behind as Louis, Jessica, Rachel, and Mike were closer to the man she called best friend. All of them looked saddened and cold. Louis' eyes were so red and swollen it looked like he had pinkeye. Her parents were trying to console each other as Mike was almost carrying a sobbing Rachel to the pavement leading to the parking lot. Harvey's body language was hardened, and nothing but sorrow could be read on his demeanor.</em>
</p>
<p>"<em>You see, we had to sedate you, lay you down on a funeral slab and make it seem like you were dead. Which wasn't really that hard. Has anyone ever told you how awfully pale you are?" He leered. "Anyhow, we couldn't just offer them a burned body with implanted DNA, as we usually do. We had to prove to them you were undoubtedly deceased. So they saw your real motionless, drugged self and once they left the morgue thinking they saw you dead, we replaced you with someone else's corpse."</em></p>
<p>
  <em>She couldn't understand why he was telling her all that information, nor why he was showing her all the people she cared about most in the world suffering. She could only think it was probably some kind of torture to make her give up.</em>
</p>
<p><em>Harvey stopped five feet from the wagon. She couldn't scream, nor make any noises. She just</em> <em>stared a</em><em>t him and the painful </em><em>expression</em> <em>he carried. He went to unlock his car door, then paused </em><em>and turned</em> <em>around, hugging </em><em>Mike</em> <em>who was standing </em><em>behind</em> <em>him with </em><em>Rachel</em> <em>by his side. His </em><em>eyes were closed</em> <em>in agony.</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Donna blinked a few times and let the tears run down her flushed cheeks.</em>
</p>
<p>"<em>He will mourn and move on. Find someone else to rearrange his schedule, perhaps."</em></p>
<p>
  <em>The doctor put a hand on Donna's chin and turned her face away from Harvey and Mike outside to look at him.</em>
</p>
<p>"<em>The sooner you accept that you are no longer who you were, the easier this will be," he said, and leaned closer to her expressionless face and whispered, "Donna Paulsen is gone."</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Her tears kept streaming down her face.</em>
</p>
<p>"I just can't believe they filmed us…" Louis said, shaking his head and wiping his tears with his palm.</p>
<p>"I can't believe you were so close…" Harvey whispered, more to himself, and he held Donna's hand tightly, as if to reassure himself she was really there now.</p>
<p>"I saw you laying in the morgue, thinking you were really dead, but you were alive. You were in front of me and I..." Harvey passed his hand through his gelled hair, disheveling it. "And then you were in the van, right beside me and I…" He closed his eyes while his heart continued beating fast against his ribcage. He couldn't muster the words he wanted. Both times he thought he had sensed her presence. He thought she was there in spirit somehow, but she was actually near and alive. And he didn't do anything. He spent months thinking he was crazy to feel her.</p>
<p>"Harvey, it's okay. You didn't know." Donna squeezed his hand reassuringly and released a quivering breath.</p>
<p>Samantha was farther from the group, and felt their loss, but still considered herself as an outsider, since she hadn't gone through what they had. Yet, she stayed to show the support she could.</p>
<p>Donna just kept staring at the screen with knotted brows and a disgusted expression. She wanted to kill Charles. She was watching her life unfold right before her eyes, and it was devastating. This man psychologically tortured her. She had to watch her friend's and family's suffering now and then, and she felt like nothing could be worse than that pain. Although, she was terribly mistaken.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>The more bearable of the videos were Donna in a gray jumpsuit laying on the floor of a solitary cell. She would move around, or stay seated for hours. Someone would open a tiny window to let light in and then close it quickly. As they tried to break her down, more drugs were injected into her.</p>
<p>The harder videos were of her being electro shocked. Others showed her being put to sleep by running an IV in one arm with a barbiturate into one arm, only to be shocked awake with amphetamine into the other arm. She would shout and curse at the doctor, but it was visible to everyone in the conference room that she was breaking. Other videos showed her sitting on the ground, staring at the wall and letting tears roll down her face. Sometimes, the doctor would push a plate of warm meat and mashed potatoes, complete with gravy, into the small window of her cell. Donna would get up and scurry on her hands and knees to grab it, but Charles would pull it back just as she was about to reach it, and shove a bowl of what looked like grub or old stew toward her. She would grab the bowl as the window slid shut and examine it before crying and gulping it with her hands.</p>
<p>Donna could remember exactly what that tasted like and even thinking about it made her retch. The sun was beaming through the blinds of the conference room but she just felt cold, which stirred more horrid memories. She remembered being so cold, and some nights she'd wished it would just end. She remembered the pain in her arms every time Charles tested the drugs on her. And worst of all, eventually she'd given up crying. She knew there was no point in shedding more tears, but that didn't mean she would make it easy for the doctor or stop fighting.</p>
<p>Harvey felt like throwing up more times than he could count. He wanted to break every single bone in their bodies, but more than that he wanted to kill them.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>After watching three months of videos, the sun started to set, and they were still gathered around Donna. Samantha had asked an associate to get them bagels and coffee at some point, which they all appreciated but couldn't really stomach the idea of food as they clicked the next video open.</p>
<p>
  <strong>VID_20150615_150738</strong>
</p>
<p><em>Black-and-white Donna was getting injected with a yellowish substance — </em>that they'd since learned, due to Samantha's information, was the drug to put their victims at their mercy — <em>when Charles started talking and walking around her.</em></p>
<p>" <em>Your name is Julia Thorne. You were born in London on August 2, 1983," while images of a child's birthday party were shown on the screen. She was being bombarded with images and information through a TV screen that was set way too close to her face to be considered healthy. She was chained to a chair in what seemed like a library room. However, despite all the abuse and torture, Donna kept replying, "My name is Donna Paulsen, you ugly bastard!"</em></p>
<p>Harvey was fighting his fear, but felt immensely proud of her. He knew Donna wouldn't give up easily, and she was throwing a hell of a fight. He could see the annoyance in Charles' expression every time she contradicted him. Yet, seeing her tied to a chair and being tortured was just disturbing. Her hand on his was the only thing keeping him grounded and not punching a hole in the wall.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Donna remembered starting to lose the battle. She would scream and curse, but she remembered her memories fading. It was like her consciousness was becoming foggy and dimmed.</p>
<p>Louis' eyes were rimmed and reddened. His stuffy nose was really bothering him, but he still refused to get up and do something about it. He was willing to stay there for as long as Donna needed him to. And of course, he had to watch hers and the other's videos, to build the class action. Mike's brain would really come in handy, he thought.</p>
<p>
  <strong>VID_20150629_08320</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Donna kept trying to focus on her real life, but with every passing day, the life she had known became blurrier and blurrier. She only remembered feeling exhausted and angry. She wanted to fight and give up at the same time. She hated the TV in front of her and hated the man talking to her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Charles injected more narcotics into her IV to disorient her.</em>
</p>
<p>"<em>Your name is Julia Thorne." Charles kept talking, but Donna was just as defiant as before.</em></p>
<p>"<em>Really? Then why is my name Donna Paulsen, you sick son of a bitch?"</em></p>
<p>
  <strong>VID_20150706_190658</strong>
</p>
<p>"<em>Julia, your father's name was Kenneth Thorne. Julia is who you are"</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Charles kept speaking for days on end. His words kept flowing over each other in a montage on the TV. The images were showing several scenarios: a girl at her birthday party, a family laughing at dinner, a dog running - all flashing in front of her as the sessions blended into each other.</em>
</p>
<p>"<em>Your brothers, Daniel and Tom… You were the only survivor... You lost your family in a fire..."</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Eventually, she stopped answering him.</em>
</p>
<p>Donna couldn't stand it anymore. She got up from her chair, almost knocking Louis out of his, and released Harvey's clammy hand. She was sweating, and her teeth were chattering. She felt cold and alone, like she was going to throw up. She saw a black-and-white version of herself, wide eyed and in a trance. A version that wasn't answering Charles anymore. A version that wasn't fighting. She could almost deal with seeing a memory play out on screen, but she couldn't imagine herself breaking and becoming someone utterly different.</p>
<p>Harvey got up from his chair as well, and pulled Donna into an embrace before she could leave the room, without thinking about anything else. He held her tight for what seemed like hours, but only seconds had passed. She felt some sort of strength come back to her and allowed herself to just feel him. They both felt electricity run through their bodies due to their closeness. It felt surreal and too intimate for the audience.</p>
<p>After steading their heartbeats, he disentangled himself from her and released a shuddering breath. No one dared to say a thing when she came back to her chair and summoned the strength to click on the next and final video of her.</p>
<p>
  <strong>VID_20150813_134206</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Donna saw the familiar black-and-white picture of an interrogation room, but this time, the camera wasn't on the other side of the mirror. She took the seat in front of the man that was chained to a chair.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She started speaking without greeting the man in front of her. "Listen, you think you're tough, but you're not. You like dogs better than cats, and wouldn't be able to hurt a fly even if it was buzzing on your ear all night. You're afraid no one cares about you and you think your job is useless. You want a family, but you tell your friends you don't."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"How did you know that?" The man asked the expressionless redhead in front of him through gritted teeth.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She got up from her chair, leaned closer to him, and before stabbing him in the stomach with a pocket knife, she whispered, "I'm Julia," as if that explained everything.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Julia turned around and kept looking at the mirror that shielded the three people Donna had learned were behind the glass of the interrogation room.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She stood there for a while when the door of the room opened, letting in a petite blonde woman, wearing a white coat and cream-colored clothes underneath. She was wearing glasses and had her hair pinned up.</em>
</p>
<p>"<em>Well done, Julia. We are very pleased." The woman congratulated in a familiar English accent, and led the redhead out of the room, leaving the man behind.</em></p>
<p>Everyone in the conference room stood still. No one could move, and the tension could be cut with a knife. Louis was the first to speak, breaking the trance everyone seemed to be in, except for Samantha who didn't understand what had changed. Was it because of the man that was stabbed? It couldn't be, Donna already knew that and she was just as in shock as the other two men.</p>
<p>"Is that…?" Louis couldn't finish the question, and Harvey wouldn't have heard it anyway, his stomach lurching into the nearest trash can.</p>
<p>"It can't be…" Donna spoke above a whisper, cutting him off.</p>
<p>After Harvey wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, he finally spoke.</p>
<p>"Yes, that's Paula."</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don't forget to let me know what you think. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Nothing lasts forever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"He could still sense Donna, and Paula kept telling him he had to let go."</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>Harvey stood up and went to the nearest trash can and threw up the few contents he ingested that day. After wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he finally spoke.</em>
</p><p>"<em>Yes, that is Paula."</em></p><p>"Wait a second! You all know Dr. Agard?" Samantha asked, not addressing anyone in particular in the room, but still waiting for a response.</p><p>"Well… yes, she is—" Louis started, but again couldn't finish his sentence.</p><p>"She's my wife, Samantha."</p><p>Donna realized the blonde hadn't seen Paula floating around and Harvey has been working at the firm for a brief time. Both women had never crossed paths.</p><p>"Holy shit!" Samantha exclaimed and started pacing around the room. She didn't know what to think. Harvey had always seemed loyal to her, but she couldn't imagine what he would do to protect his own wife.</p><p>Harvey sensed Samantha wasn't comfortable with him knowing so much about the case anymore. He felt sick to his stomach. He'd been sat next to Donna, watching her relive these horrific events, and finding out who was responsible, the woman he'd shared a life with for the past months... He couldn't help but feel even more guilty. He didn't know about her past like he thought he did.</p><p>When they started dating — about nine months after Donna's 'death' — Paula told him she had just come back from England. She was taking part in some kind of psychological research there and moved to New York when her bosses offered her the opportunity to work from anywhere she wanted. He just figured she wanted a new challenge, but now he wasn't so sure of it.</p><p>"Samantha, I—" Harvey started, but Samantha was too rattled to let anyone speak.</p><p>"I just need silence! I really need to think now." Samantha had fire in her eyes. She couldn't think straight while he was talking.</p><p>Harvey's heart was hammering through his ribcage. Samantha couldn't think he had anything to do with this, could she? Did she really assume he was a spy?</p><p>Louis moved to the door to make sure no one else would hear them.</p><p>"Samantha, I don't think…" Donna tried to reason but was also interrupted. She touched Harvey's arm and stared him in the eyes. Trying to comfort him somehow.</p><p>"Everybody, just… wait here!" Samantha raised both hands to make a point. She glanced around as if looking for something. Exhaling, she sidestepped Louis and left the conference room to go to her own office. Louis, Harvey and Donna looked at each other, not understanding what Samantha was searching for.</p><p>Louis sighed and threw himself at the nearest chair. He had a pounding headache and couldn't take in what he had just seen in video.</p><p>He had not only seen one of his best friends being tortured to breaking point, but also learned one of his friend's wife was responsible for it. Donna was one of the strongest people he knew, and seeing her break like that made his blood boil.</p><p>Waiting for the other lawyer to come back, Donna broke the silence.</p><p>"Harvey, I know what Samantha is thinking, but I don't believe you had anything to do with what happened to me." She didn't suspect, not for one second, Harvey knew about Paula's involvement. Maybe everything was just a cosmic coincidence.</p><p>He released the breath he didn't notice he was holding. If Donna thought he was involved in his wife's apparent double life, he knew he would have crumbled. He could take anyone doubting him, but with Donna it was different. He couldn't understand why or how or when their life had become such a colossal mess. Before he could respond to Donna, who was still touching his arm, Samantha came back with a cardboard box in hand.</p><p>She placed the object on the table and began rummaging through the files inside it. She pulled out a blue folder and started skimming through the pages. Everybody just waited.</p><p>Donna sighed and took a seat. She brought her hands to her face and all she could think about was how Harvey must be coping. She was still shaken after seeing two years of her life videotaped, but knowing Paula was involved? That royally blindsided her. And for Harvey, who married the goddamn woman… Thinking about him and how he would cope after that, made her gather strength from within. Her instincts to be strong and be there for him never unwavered, even if herself was shaken to the core.</p><p>Harvey's mind was blank while Samantha kept looking through a file in her hand. He couldn't really fathom what was going on, and that could only be described as shock and denial.</p><p>His wife couldn't have helped people torture and kidnap people. She was sweet. She took care of him and helped him through the most difficult time of his life. She was a good person, right?</p><p>"Here!" Samantha shouted, making Donna jump on her seat and look at the blonde.</p><p>"Care to explain now, Wheeler?" Louis spoke in his lawyer mode.</p><p>"This is Agard's register." She explained and placed the file in the direction of where Harvey was standing.</p><p>That got him out of his trance as he started to scan it. "Paula was one of the psychiatrists that worked for the people who took Donna," Samantha continued and pointed out a few of the reports inside the register to Harvey.</p><p>Louis had begun to go through the box himself, not really listening to Samantha, but forming assumptions of his own with the documents he had in hand.</p><p>"After they take a victim, some families find it difficult to move on and when that's the case they implant someone in the victim's life so they can keep tabs on them… to assure no one finds out about their activities. Therefore, some victims require more… hm… work from them?"</p><p>"So she became my therapist to make sure I really thought Donna was…" He gasped. He couldn't even say the word anymore. It made him sick again, and that only added fuel to the anger he was feeling rise deep inside.</p><p>"Well… yes. That's what it says right here." She pointed at a page in the file. "There's nothing about having to marry the victim's family, though." Samantha continued, throwing Harvey a stern look. It was obvious Samantha didn't like the fact Harvey married not only his therapist, but a woman who was directly involved in the disappearance of her friend.</p><p>Harvey went to the decanter in the corner and poured himself a glass of water. That was too much. His brain was working in overdrive now. He thought about all the therapy sessions he had with Paula and when they began dating.</p><p>He recalled her advising him to let Donna rest in peace, even though he didn't feel she was dead. He could still sense Donna, and Paula kept telling him he had to let go. And to make matters worse, those were the exact words he'd used with her when he asked her out. "I'm letting go, and I want to let go with you." How could he be so stupid? He remembered she made him get rid of the can-opener when they started dating, something he could never do, deciding to go to the storage unit instead, and leave it there with everything else that was left of Donna's. She persuaded and manipulated him, and he was sure of it now. Most of his therapy sessions were about his mother, and how losing Donna reflected on his abandonment issues. Paula diminished his instincts and convinced him he didn't really have feelings for the redhead. He believed her when she said he had to stop visiting Donna's apartment and the storehouse, even when he told her he wasn't ready to do that. And worst of all, Paula implied, many times, that Donna was just his assistant and not someone who had more feelings towards him and vice versa.</p><p>
  <strong>2015</strong>
</p><p>"<em>Harvey, we have been through this for the last trimester. Donna is not your mother. She was just your secretary. Sure, she took care of most of your professional and personal issues, but that's just because you paid her to do so. And I'm sorry, but she's been dead for nine months now. You have to let her go."</em></p><p>
  <em>Paula was impatient with him already. She found him charming and handsome, but boy he was infuriating. Why couldn't he just let go of his secretary? They usually had difficulties regarding mothers or fathers, but bosses? That was a first.</em>
</p><p>"<em>You don't understand, doctor," he had a strained voice and was holding tears he hadn't yet shed that day, "I feel her everywhere. I just... It's like what I feel, unlike her, is immortal. It doesn't go away and I'm miserable </em>all the time<em>."</em></p><p>
  <em>He couldn't meet the doctor's gaze anymore and turned to face the window. It was a beautiful morning for the outside world. There were birds singing and flying through the shimmering blue sky. It was a blossoming spring day. Yet, all he could see was gray. The only person who made him see colors was gone. Donna's smile would brighten his day. Her laugh would be music to his ears. Her eyes would speak a thousand words and nothing and no one could compare to her. He lost the one person whom he could share his wins and loses with. She was his family, and instead of saying he loved her in every sense of the word, he left her. And because of that, she was gone. It was his fault. He had three options that night: Stay silent and go home; say he loved her and seek her embrace; and be stupid, say what he felt for her and flee. He was a coward, and she deserved better than that. She deserved a life that didn't involve someone like him. Someone broken with parental issues. She deserved the world, because she was his. He was just too weak to face it, if he was hers.</em>
</p><p>"<em>If Donna really cared for you as a friend and her boss, the way I think she did, she wouldn't want to see you like this. You have to let her go."</em></p><p>
  <em>"But I feel like she is still alive."</em>
</p><p>"<em>Harvey, you saw her body. You cremated her. Do you need more proof that she's dead? You're in denial."</em></p><p>
  <em>Harvey froze. He never told her he had seen Donna's body in the morgue. Or did he?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Paula sensed she had put her foot in her mouth. She had to be more careful with him. He wasn't oblivious; he was hurting, but he was smart.</em>
</p><p>"<em>How do you</em>—" <em>He asked. Maybe Dr. Agard could read him like Donna and actually figure out things about him without him having to say them.</em></p><p>"<em>What? That she was cremated? You told me that." She played dumb. She had to think fast so he wouldn't suspect anything.</em></p><p>"<em>No… about her body…" He explained, even though with Donna he would never have to explain a thing. She just knew.</em></p><p>"<em>I'm getting more concerned about you, Harvey. You don't remember telling me about the day you saw her corpse?" Paula asked, as if with actual wariness.</em></p><p>"<em>No… I… I don't know… I guess?"</em></p><p>
  <em>The doctor sighed. For him, it was concern written on her face, but she was actually relieved he believed her.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We wanna be remembered</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Don't wanna live in vain</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But nothing lasts forever</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This world is in a losing game</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(Immortal - Marina and the Diamonds)</em>
</p><p>Harvey kept looking at Agard's file for several minutes. His mind was in a spiral as he tried to absorb what was written about his life. It was all a lie. Everything she drove him to believe, all they said to each other and even their vows to each other. He felt disgusted by her, disappointed at himself and relieved. Despite his conflicted emotions, she had betrayed him. And now, there was no question about the impending divorce.</p><p>Folding the file, Harvey got up from his chair and went to the door, but before he could pull the handle, Samantha stopped him.</p><p>"Where do you think you're going?" She had a grip on his arm to not let him leave.</p><p>"I have to talk to her," Harvey stated almost impassively. No one could understand his expression when he turned to the room. No one but Donna. His pupils were dilated, his left hand was in a fist, but he wasn't angry. It was almost as if he had his game face on. It was like he had one purpose. Donna didn't know what it was, which made her wary of his every movement.</p><p>"No. If you talk to her, you'll blow the entire plan!" Samantha explained and looked at Donna for back up. The blonde knew the bond Harvey and Donna had was unique and they were the only ones who could make each other cave.</p><p>Harvey stared at Donna and saw her shoulders slump. She tilted her head to the side and gave him a look that had him frowning.</p><p>"Harvey, if you tell her anything, she'll know the FBI is on to her and she might say something to the people she works with."</p><p>"She doesn't work with them anymore." Harvey said, remembering what he could grasp from her file, but almost kicked himself for the knee-jerk reaction. Why was he defending her now? She didn't deserve his backing. "I'm sorry, I guess some habits die hard," he apologized.</p><p>"It doesn't matter if she's still working for them or not, Harvey. She can tip them off."</p><p>Harvey dipped his head, realizing Samantha had a point. Taking a sharp intake of breath, he took a seat and put his face in his hands and uttered "so, what's the plan?"</p><p>"Let me make some calls," Samantha said, not laying out all her cards. "I think we should call it a day and I'll get back to you all tomorrow."</p><p>"I think that's best." Donna agreed. She went to her computer and waited for it to finish copying the files from the flash drive.</p><p>"I need to go home to Sheila, but can we leave this box in my office? I'll go through everything first thing tomorrow."</p><p>"Sure, Louis." Samantha answered. "These are only copies anyway," she explained, "the real ones are with the FBI."</p><p>"I'll call Paula and say I'll be pulling an all-nighter." Harvey glanced at Samantha for any sign of what he should do not to blow up their case. "It's not like I can see her. I'll end up saying something and we can't risk that."</p><p>Samantha nodded. "We should meet tomorrow morning."</p><p>"You all can come to my place. We can discuss a curse of action there," Donna suggested, plugging off the flash drive and handing it to Louis, who would want to go through all the videos for the class action.</p><p>Harvey looked tired and sick. He was pale and had circles under his eyes; the day taking a toll on him. Donna thought he looked at least ten years older since the day started. She was sure she didn't look good either. Having part of her memories back was also troublesome. She still didn't know what she had done after her memory was wiped out, but now she had a name for the person responsible for the man she stabbed and who learned the fighting moves that threw Harvey across the hall. It wasn't really Donna. It was Julia. Two distinct people who shared one body.</p><p>She needed time to get to know Julia; what she did and what she was like. And that terrified her to the core.</p><p>She made a mental note to schedule an earlier appointment with Dr. Lipschitz.</p><p>…</p><p>That night, Donna was in her dimly lit apartment, nursing a glass of wine and reminiscing the day's events. She wasn't quite sure how to feel. Would Harvey condemn his wife? Did she want Paula to pay for what she did, like she wanted Charles to go to jail? And what did it mean for Harvey? Would their friendship come out of it unscathed? Would he forgive her if Paula went to jail?</p><p>She wanted to make everyone who played a part in her disappearance pay, but now that Paula was one of them, she wasn't so sure. If Paula was anyone else, she wouldn't think twice. She would want her to pay. However, being Harvey's wife, she had to consider that it would hurt him to witness someone who's part of his life being prosecuted. The thought of her class action hurting him was a heavyweight.</p><p>Back in the office, Harvey had left Paula a voicemail saying he would pull an all nighter at the firm due to a recent crisis. He asked his wife not to wait up and said that he missed her; adding the last bit not to raise any suspicions. After that, he took off his already loose tie, unbuttoned his cuffs and the first two buttons of his dress shirt, took off his shoes, and laid down on the leather couch in his office. Everyone had already gone home, including Donna. She had stopped by, asking if he was okay and if he needed anything, but Donna being Donna sensed he just needed space and silence to think. He had checked in on her, too. Asking if she was okay, but both were too haunted to acknowledge how they were really feeling. He couldn't help but grieve. Sure he had been confused since Donna came back. But none of it meant he didn't tell Paula the truth. He wanted to marry her. He was truthful when he said his vows and believed her when she told him she loved him back. Before Donna came back, Harvey had wanted to spend the rest of his life with Paula. He really thought his therapist, then girlfriend, then wife had helped him face his demons and understand his feelings towards Donna and his mother. However, now he questioned everything. Was it all a lie? How could he be so clueless? He was supposed to be smarter than that. Had all his compartmentalization clouded his judgement to a point he really couldn't see what was right in front of him? First, not addressing his feelings for Donna sooner, then marrying not only a liar but also a criminal.</p><p>He spent most of the night in the company of his father's records and a tumbler of scotch; recounting every nice and bad moment he ever had with Paula until he succumbed to exhaustion.</p><p>At six, he woke up in a frenzy. His dream revolved around him being stuck in quicksand, helplessly watching Paula torturing Donna. He would scream and shout, but Donna would only look at him expressionless, only her tears betraying her resolve. Paula would stick needles under Donna's fingernails or put a cloth over her face, suffocating her with water. He woke up only when Donna choked on the same sentence that haunted him for more than a year after she disappeared — "You left me, and now there's no turning back."</p><p>He had to see her. He changed into the spare suit he kept in his office, texted Ray to meet him in front of the firm and made one more call.</p><p>…</p><p>Samantha was used to waking up early to go boxing or running. That morning, however, she stayed in. She was due to meet Donna at around eight, but first, she had to put her plan into action. She was not sure how Harvey would react after learning his part, but she had to try. They had to have all the evidence so there wouldn't be any loopholes in the case and if Harvey agreed to help, then they could prosecute everyone involved.</p><p>Samantha didn't really understand Harvey's and Donna's dynamic, but her gut was telling her she could trust Harvey would do anything for the redhead, even going after his own wife.</p><p>Thinking about Paula made her flinch. She'd never met her in person, but she had read her file. She was a meticulous, cold-blooded English woman who had graduated first in her class at Oxford and was soon recruited by a clinic which conducted drug induced psychology research. Paula had started as an intern and after two years began seeing her own subjects/victims. She had very little contact with Donna before she was assigned to her first outdoor subject — Also known as the friends and family of the victims the clinic chose. It was inconclusive how long she worked with patients before moving on to their families, since there was a gap between the change. What was unmistakable though was the time of her contract termination with the clinic - a year after Donna's 'death'.</p><p>The FBI still didn't have a name for those who were funding the clinic, but if everything went according to Samantha's plan, that would change.</p><p>Taking a sip from her coffee, sitting at her kitchen island, she picked her phone and sent Donna's address to Carvalho, her source at the FBI, asking him to meet her there at eight with his partner.</p><p>Focussing on Agard's file in front of her, Samantha couldn't help but wonder if Paula had married Harvey out of love or duty. Everything about her sessions and talks with him were documented for five months, then she resigned and nothing else was added to her file.</p><p>Sighing, she pinched the bridge of her nose and decided to take an aspirin before her headache set roots.</p><p>Her phone started ringing and picking it up from the counter, she was not even a bit surprised to see who it was.</p><p>"Harvey, what can I do for you?"</p><p>…</p><p>Donna woke up after a restless slumber. After having some coffee and dry toast, she put on her yoga outfit, and began with a very much needed meditation on top of her mat. With the voice of the app's instructor, she moved from position to position, feeling her tense muscles unknot and a light sweat form over her body. It was taking more effort from her to keep the thoughts away than the physical exercise.</p><p>She pushed through her limits, standing in the same position for as long as the burning in her muscles allowed. She was exhausting her body to numb her thoughts. She knew it would be fruitless, but at least she would feel something other than dread.</p><p>She buried everything she wasn't ready to face, and the things she could — the class action suit or would Harvey forgive her? Became all consuming.</p><p>It was all that kept coming to her mind, but as far as she was concerned, she needed to go through with it. Not only for her peace of mind but also for the other victims.</p><p>When her calves could no longer resist the Goddess Pose, she switched to the Lotus Posture and meditated for a few minutes. She fought her thoughts, even though she wasn't supposed to. She should let them come and then let them go. But today was not the day to let them develop. She just wanted them to disappear and leave her the hell alone so she could escape for a few minutes.</p><p>She inhaled. She exhaled. She inhaled again. And there was a knocking on her door.</p><p>Donna peered with one eye and looked at the time on top of her fireplace. Sighing, she got up and went to open the door. Samantha said she would arrive at eight. It was five to seven. Maybe she had more news?</p><p>Anyway, her meditation was ruined.</p><p>She opened the door with a swoosh and saw the man who had been constantly on her mind. He looked tired and haunted. The stubble on his jaw made him seem older and more serious. It was a look she was not comfortable with. His tie was all messed up and his hair completely out of place. She stared at him, agape and surprised.</p><p>The sight of her in a tank-top, leggings and ponytail with a flushed face, void from make-up and heels, all freckled and sweaty made him forget why he came to her so early. She was everything he ever wanted but still wasn't his to claim. All he could think about now was that she had lied when he offered her a ride and she said she needed to be somewhere.</p><p>"You mentioned you had someplace else to be," he stated.</p><p>Donna raised her gaze to greet his brown orbs and choked on a "what?"</p><p>"When I offered you a ride, you said you had somewhere to be. You gave Ray this address, and after that I kept wondering if you had come here to meet someone. But you live here." He explained, not hiding how tired he was. He wasn't angry. His voice had a softness that was not only new but also contrasted his expression.</p><p>"I…" The word was all Donna could murmur, before he picked his head towards her apartment and asked if she had some coffee to offer him.</p><p>She let him in and took a second to close the door.</p><p>"Harvey, are you okay?" She managed to speak, heading to her kitchen where he already claimed a stool.</p><p>"Why did you lie?" Pure curiosity dressed his tone.</p><p>"I didn't lie. I said I had somewhere to be, and I did. I just never said I had to be home." She answered him and started rummaging through her kitchen to make him a fresh cup of coffee.</p><p>Home. Did he even have one?</p><p>He nodded at her back and watched her pace around the small space that screamed Donna. Everything about it was classy, homy and beautiful. From the warm colors on the walls to the little snippets here and there.</p><p>He cleared his throat and tried not to think about how he could get used to domesticity.</p><p>"What are you doing here so early, Harvey?" She asked him, starting to brew the coffee.</p><p>"Samantha gave me your address, and I had to see you. Though, I couldn't…" He lowered his gaze to his intertwined hands on the counter. Shame adorned his handsome features and Donna's heart ached for the shadow of the man he once was.</p><p>"Go home to Paula." She concluded for him. She'd always had the uncanny ability to read him, he loved it about her. However, knowing that she was kidnapped because of it made her talent seem like more of a curse now. He flinched at the thought and allowed himself to take her in even had both hands flat on the kitchen island. Her body was leaning towards him slightly, as if studying his every movement. She was dressed down and nevertheless utterly beautiful.</p><p>"I'm sorry." Donna said in a sad voice, not taking her eyes off of him.</p><p>"What do you have to be sorry about?" he urged, thoroughly perplexed by her apology. If the past few days had taught him anything, it was the fact that he had to make it up for what happened to her for the rest of his life. First, for being so stupid and not seeing what was right in front of his face. He should have trusted his instincts and searched for her. And second, for marrying someone who had betrayed him, destroyed him, and who turned out to be a fucking criminal.</p><p>"I'm sorry about Paula. I know it must be painful for you to find out about her past like this." She dipped her head, and he finally understood. She wasn't apologizing. She was feeling sorry for him, and he hated it.</p><p>"Don't. It's not… Just don't do that." He begged, turning his head towards the door and thinking about escaping.</p><p>"I know how you feel…"</p><p>"How can you know what it's like? You don't know what it's like to lose someone like this. Someone you thought you knew—" He asked with a bewildered and strained voice.</p><p>"Probably not exactly how, but I do." She interrupted him, without raising her voice and looking at him tenderly. She really did. She knew all too well what was like to lose someone and be misled by the ones she loved. She thought about her father, who lost all her family's money and her sister, to whom she barely spoke with.</p><p>He let out a resigned sigh. He resented the day he met Paula and the day he asked her out. He resented ever saying he loved her, and most of all; he resented not actually loving her. Because he thought did, but how could he love someone who did such godforsaken horrible things?</p><p>Donna gave him the fresh cup of coffee and poured one for herself, claiming a seat in front of him.</p><p>They both sipped from their mugs in silence, letting their senses be filled with the taste and scent of vanilla.</p><p>"I'm glad you're here…" Donna said, placing her mug between her hands on the counter, absorbing the warmth the room seemed to lack, "because I had to talk to you privately." Concern took place in his stance as he waited for her to elaborate with a tilt of his head. For such a good poker player, reading Harvey has never been difficult.</p><p>"I know Paula is your wife and I really don't want to hurt you," she started the conversation she had been tormented by since the day before, "but I don't want to stop with the class action."</p><p>"I don't want you to stop the class action suit because of <em>her</em>." He spat the word 'her' as if it was poison.</p><p>Did she really presume he would want her to stop the class action to protect Paula? But then it dawned on him. Of course she did. And that's what he was supposed to want. Paula was his wife, and he had a duty to protect her and stay by her side. The problem was, both of them had already broken their vows to each other.</p><p>Harvey couldn't be more confused. One second he hated Paula with all his might; the next he was trying to understand. Nothing made sense anymore, besides what he felt for the woman in front of him who was the exact opposite of his wife. Donna had always been empathetic. Always putting other people's feelings above her own and making sure people could rely on her about everything. She always had this unwavering faith in him and never once betrayed his trust. She was concerned about him because she thought she would hurt him. What she didn't realise was that the only way to hurt him, was if anyone hurt her.</p><p>"Don't you see?" Harvey placed his hands on hers and began, "my marriage is over, and she should pay for what she's done."</p><p>"Should she?" Donna's uncertainty made him question his own words, but she continued. "I mean, you married her, you must still love her… Doesn't she deserve forgiveness?" Donna pleaded. It wasn't like her to just let him off that easy. She had to know if he was indeed ready to end his relationship with a woman he thought he would spend the rest of his life with. She also needed to know his heart and mind were in the right place when she followed with the class action that would surely incriminate his wife.</p><p>"No, she doesn't. Not from me." He released her hands and stood up. Facing the nearest window, he sighed and explained further. "She could have lied about anything or anyone else… but when she did, she hurt you and that is unforgivable." He turned around and looked at Donna. She should know by now that he would die before he let anyone hurt her.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"Because with you it's different."</p><p>And just like that, they were back in time. They were sitting on her couch, sipping on wine. He had said he would never let anything happen to her, that she shouldn't worry about it. And then he said he loved her and left. Only this time, he was not leaving.</p><p>"Different how?" Donna couldn't let him off. She had to know.</p><p>"Completely."</p><p>"What does that mean?" Her brows furrowed, and she put her mug aside. The black liquid had lost its taste and warmth.</p><p>"It means that If it was anyone else, I wouldn't feel the way I feel. I can take anyone coming at me with anything, but I can't take you getting hurt. I already lost you once, and it tore me apart. And I'll do anything to see her and Charles and everyone else pay. I told you I would never let anything ever happen to you and I broke that promise when I left your apartment that day… and… I'm not about to do that ever again."</p><p>Donna's eyes were wide as saucers. She wasn't expecting him to remember his promise, and she was definitely not hoping he would put her above his own wife. All she could think about was that all of this had to mean something other than friendship, right?</p><p>After the other time they wouldn't dare tough each other's arm because even a brush of fingers sent shivers through her spine, and now they couldn't stay in the same room without feeling the air thicken and the walls close in. All she wanted was to reach out and comfort him, otherwise she didn't know how to breathe.</p><p>All he craved was to go to her, lift her off the ground and kiss her with all he had left, for it was the only means to survive.</p><p>But they couldn't. He was still married, even if he didn't feel like it. He needed to follow whatever the FBI and Samantha had planned and then… Then he would lay his heart out on the line for Donna and hope for the best. If he was scared before to tell her his feelings, now he was mortified of seeing her moving on to a life that did not include him.</p><p>Donna swallowed a lump in her throat and took a hard deep breath.</p><p>"Thank you, Harvey." She avoided his gaze and checked her phone making an excuse to leave the room before he said something else that couldn't be taken back.</p><p>"Oh! I didn't realize..." She blurted, looking at her phone, but not really registering the time nor the missing calls from Thomas. "Samantha will be here any second with the FBI. I have to take a shower." She didn't know what she was saying or what she was feeling, but she needed to get away from him.</p><p>"Make yourself at home. I'll… I'll just…" She stumbled, motioning towards her bedroom and getting up, leaving him in her kitchen.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: I did some research on victims of torture during the 64's dictatorship in Brazil (my country) and all I could grasp from their POV was pain and anger. I cannot even begin to fathom what it must be like for these people and their families. All I know is that we should not condone such horrifying actions. It's not my intention to minimize their pain with romance. You'll see more of the feelings regarding this subject and I hope to do them justice.</p><p>Thank you, Cassie, for putting up with me and helping me write better. I would never be able to do this without your insight and guidance. I'm so grateful to have you in my life. Thank you, Luana, for the encouragement and for boosting my confidence! Without you two, I'm empty.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. I've been alone all along</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"I want to be that happy again." She raised a perfectly shaped brow suggestively at him. "What can I do to make that happen?" She reached for the lapels of his suit jacket and started kissing his neck.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yay! I'm back with this story. I'm so sorry I wasn't able to update before, but life got in the way… I hope you like this one and don't give up on me. There's a silver line!</p>
<p>Trigger warning: Depression and suicide attempt mention. M rated.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>10</strong> </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> <strong>I've been alone all along</strong> </em>
</p>
<p>Donna liked to think about all the possible outcomes from a situation. She liked to be prepared, and she didn't like to be surprised with a scenario that hadn't been played in her head before. It wasn't like her to bolt from a delicate conversation, though all she could think about was how she needed space. She thought Harvey would be mad at her or maybe understand her decision to go through with the class action even if it affected Paula. What she didn't expect was him putting her needs before his own wife. What did that mean for them?</p>
<p>As the warm steam of water washed the sweat from her morning workout and the stress of a sleepless night, she started to breathe normally and all the thoughts she tried to suppress during her yoga came rushing back to the front of her mind. She thought about the wreck of a man who'd stood in her apartment and the mess of a life they'd had. It was all extremely ironic.</p>
<p>The man she's been in love with for more than a decade married the woman who helped kidnap and torture her. And this same man decided to put her life above his wife's on the grounds that 'she's different'. His words, not hers.</p>
<p>What the fuck was wrong with the universe? She was a fucking legal secretary, turned COO who was kidnapped because of an innate skill, something she didn't choose to have but it helped her in many ways throughout her life only to be the very reason her life was the way it was.</p>
<p>And then there was the fact that not too long ago (in her mind - at least until all her memories came back) Harvey wouldn't dare touch her hand or arm by any means. And now, at every opportunity, there was hugging and hand-holding and promises that held too much meaning for two people who were nothing but friends.</p>
<p>With an indrawn breath, Donna turned the showerhead off, tied her wet hair in a towel and dried off her body.</p>
<p>Rummaging through her walk-in closet, she found a dress she bought with her first salary as a COO. It was a sweetheart-neck Cady blush dress by Alexander McQueen. It was such a beautiful piece, but it brought a certain vulnerability that couldn't be shown at her new position in the firm. Today, however, she felt exactly that. Vulnerable to him and to the world. She picked it up, took off the price tag, and put it on.</p>
<p>She blow-dried her hair, put on a light coat of makeup and entered the living room.</p>
<p>
  <em>I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But though you're still with me</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I've been alone all along</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>(My Immortal - Evanescence)</em>
</p>
<p>She met the man who made her heart skip a beat, wearing the same haunted expression he wore when he arrived at her apartment. He was sat on her couch, facing her fireplace with slumped broad shoulders.</p>
<p>He heard her bedroom door open and allowed himself to take her in. She looked beautiful, so fresh and put together. Completely different from the version he'd seen earlier. With his breath caught in his throat, he spoke, releasing a heavy sigh.</p>
<p>"Samantha is on her way with the FBI. "</p>
<p>Donna nodded and took a seat on the other side of the couch. He noticed the distance between them and shifted, facing her.</p>
<p>"There is something you need to know…" He started the conversation that was cut short by her abrupt excuse to take a shower. "In my life, there has only been one person."</p>
<p>Their eyes locked like magnets and she saw nothing but unequivocal love, sincerity, and tenderness. The look was so similar, yet so different from the moment he said he loved her, only to walk out the door in a heartbeat. The last time, he also seemed torn and scared. Now, there was a familiar affection, as if she could find a home in his brown orbs.</p>
<p>"Don't do this," she mumbled, looking at her bedroom door, thinking about running away from him this time. She thanked God for waterproof mascara, feeling her eyes fill with unwanted tears.</p>
<p>"Look at me," he uttered, shifting closer to her and reaching for her hand.</p>
<p>There was a reason they hadn't touched for years, and since she came back, all their touches were comforting. This time, however, they were not.</p>
<p>"Harv..." She shook her head, still not meeting his gaze, but not taking her hand from his either. His palm was warm and soothing, igniting a fire in the pit of her stomach.</p>
<p>"The only reason I got married to someone else, was because I was trying to fill an empty void your presence left in my life, and I didn't know how not to be around you."</p>
<p>His tone resonated through her body, awaking butterflies and making her voice hitch. He converted all her desires into hope, petrifying her for the possibility of another fall down. She crossed and uncrossed her legs, extremely uncomfortable with his proximity. She parted her lips slightly, searching for the words that were too persistent in not helping her out.</p>
<p>His phone chirped on the coffee table, making both look at the device and acknowledge their conversation was ending.</p>
<p>"The FBI is nearly here," she spoke above a whisper, feeling her heart flutter in her chest, either from Harvey's remarks or for the agents, she didn't know.</p>
<p>"Don..." He stood up, straightening his shoulders, and bringing her with him.</p>
<p>They remained face-to-face for a few heartbeats until she finally dared to look into his eyes, only to meet hope and pain, love and sorrow, yearning and vulnerability.</p>
<p>"I know, Harvey. I know." It was not their time. Not yet. But there was faith and that, like a lifejacket, was the only thing preventing them from drowning in the midst of despair. "When this is all over… We'll find each other… we always find each other."</p>
<p>They closed their eyes and felt each other's breathing. Their hearts sang in unison, bringing them closer until their foreheads touched.</p>
<p>"Even though everything's changed, some things don't and I'm not gonna lose you twice. I'll do everything it takes to protect you and bring you justice." He murmured just for Donna, as if scared the universe might hear and ruin their moment.</p>
<p>His promise made her hairs stand on end and a smile tinge her delicate features.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Samantha knocked on Donna's door with agent Carvalho and Smith by her side. They had met in front of the building as agreed and went up to the right floor, already discussing a strategy. Donna opened the door and led the guests to her living room where Harvey was up waiting for them. They introduced themselves in a professional manner, and soon everyone took a seat.</p>
<p>"So…" Agent Carvalho started. He was a short, hunky man, maybe a few years older than Harvey, and much like the latter had a confident and cocky stance when executing his area of expertise. "I assume Samantha talked to you about Agard's involvement in the wipe out case?"</p>
<p>"Is it what you're calling it? The wipe out case?" Harvey inquired, actual curiosity dressing his tone.</p>
<p>"It makes sense." Donna shrugged and motioned for Carvalho to carry on.</p>
<p>"So, we still need intel on who funded the clinic and possibly more people who were involved. And if you agree to help us," Carvalho said, looking at Harvey, "we might get to move forward with the case sooner than we expected."</p>
<p>"Sure." Harvey buttoned his suit jacket as if preparing for war.</p>
<p>"Great." Agent Smith answered. She was a smaller woman with bright green eyes. She had a comforting aura that balanced with the rigid one her partner carried. "We believe Agard has evidence on who were her employers and maybe coworkers." Smith explained, looking at Carvalho to confirm her statement.</p>
<p>"Yes, and if we're right, she may have the evidence hidden somewhere in a safe place." Carvalho continued.</p>
<p>Donna stared at the two agents while they danced around each other explaining the situation. She wondered how many times they have done this over the years.</p>
<p>"We don't think she keeps anything like that in her office because of the amount of patients she sees. Thus, the only plausible place for her to keep classified documents is - "</p>
<p>"The house." Harvey concluded Smith's explanation, making everyone in the room turn to face him.</p>
<p>The fact he didn't say the house was his didn't go unnoticed by Donna.</p>
<p>"And it would take a while for us to get a warrant, since the case isn't public yet."</p>
<p>"And that's when I come into the picture."</p>
<p>"Exactly. If you let us search the property and testify you haven't been in the house before you knew about Agard's involvement and well… you seem to know the drill." Smith smirked, reaching in her bag to take a few papers.</p>
<p>Harvey nodded, reaching for the documents and a pen. He had to sign an NDA and a few other documents, mainly to protect the state in case anything happened to him or the property while they were searching his house.</p>
<p>After reading the documents, he sighed and was about to sign his name when Donna reached for his hand, stopping him.</p>
<p>"You don't have to do this, Harvey. We might get everything we need, eventually. If it makes you uncomfortable or…"</p>
<p>"Donna," he looked into her eyes, pleading for understanding, "I'm doing this for you, but also for me. I should've trusted my instincts and if I had, we wouldn't be in this situation."</p>
<p>"It's not your fault, Harvey. You don't have to…"</p>
<p>"Donna, please. I… I also need to know everything she did." he closed his eyes, seemingly in pain, and she released his hand.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>When the papers were signed, all of them went to Harvey's house. Donna, Samantha and agent Smith stayed in a van parked near the house while he went inside with Carvalho. Both were wearing a small earpiece that allowed them to talk to the people inside the wagon hands-free and a miniature camera disguised as a pin on their clothes.</p>
<p>Once inside the house, Harvey and Carvalho went through the bookshelves and even kitchen cabinets. They would talk about possible places and search thoroughly.</p>
<p>Carvalho noticed a few documents behind a few psychology books in a bookshelf in the living room - a place Harvey wouldn't touch. Harvey found a flash drive inside a cup in a china cabinet that Paula kept her collection of cups and saucers.</p>
<p>Harvey felt like throwing up more than once. He couldn't believe that his whole life with Paula was a lie. All the memories and even the entire house was tainted. He couldn't look at anything surrounding him and not see betrayal.</p>
<p>Once they were finished with the kitchen and living room, they moved forward to the study and bedroom.</p>
<p>"Do you mind if I keep with the study while you stay with the bedroom?" Harvey asked Carvalho. To anyone, the question would seem suspicious, but Carvalho was a very good judge of character and Harvey's stance was adorned with dread and hurt. He guessed the bedroom was too personal for the man in front of him, so all he did was nod, understanding the man's request.</p>
<p>Through the devices the two men were wearing, Donna, Samantha and Smith were able to listen and see what Harvey and Carvalho were seeing.</p>
<p>Donna felt a sting in her chest hearing the man she was in love with so broken.</p>
<p>Harvey found more documentation hidden inside a drawer in the study while Carvalho was in the bedroom searching through shoe boxes and photo albums, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.</p>
<p>When they decided there wasn't anything else to be found, and were about to leave the house Samantha announced there was someone heading for the house that looked like Paula, which was confirmed when Harvey and Carvalho heard someone open the front door.</p>
<p>"Harvey?" A British female voice called from the entrance.</p>
<p>"You distract her. I'll try to escape." Carvalho hushed, looking into Harvey's panicking eyes.</p>
<p>"In here!" Harvey called, trying to sound as natural as possible, only his tense demeanor betraying him.</p>
<p>Carvalho left the study and went as quickly as possible to the bedroom without being seen.</p>
<p>Harvey took a deep breath and tried to find an excuse. A few moments later Paula found Harvey in the study, looking inside of a big pink pastel box.</p>
<p>"Sweetheart, what are you doing in here?"</p>
<p>Smith turned their mic off so Harvey couldn't hear them, and he could focus.</p>
<p>"Looking at our wedding pictures. I remembered you kept them here. Remember that day?" Harvey said, looking at her adoringly, while feeling his insides churning. He was throwing the best performance of his life. He had to convince her nothing was out of the ordinary. Although, him looking at wedding pictures was pretty out of the ordinary.</p>
<p>"That was the happiest day of my life." Paula remembered stepping closer to him.</p>
<p>Donna kept looking at the video and listening to them with her palm on her chest. She felt as if her heart would jump out of her chest at any minute. And looking at Paula's face… she never felt more disgusted about anyone in her life.</p>
<p>"Mine too." Harvey lied and put the box on the desk. He searched in her eyes for any clues for the horrendous things she'd done, but found nothing. She was as good an actress as he was a poker player.</p>
<p>"I want to be that happy again." She raised a perfectly shaped brow suggestively at him. "What can I do to make that happen?" She reached for the lapels of his suit jacket and started kissing his neck.</p>
<p>The video inside the van was obscured by Paula's proximity and they started hearing muffled kissing sounds.</p>
<p>"That's a start." Harvey gulped. He took off his jacket, knowing he didn't have any other choice.</p>
<p>"Really?" Paula opened her legs for him and he started kissing her neck. He couldn't stomach kissing her mouth or looking at her face, but he had to distract her, so he reached up her pastel skirt and started unbuttoning his pants. He turned her around suddenly, making her yelp in surprise. She was bent over when he freed himself, giving a few strokes, only to put her panties aside and thrust into her.</p>
<p>Samantha raised her eyebrows, cleared her throat and looked at Donna. They could all hear Paula's moans and Harvey's groans. Smith seemed impressed by the lengths the lawyer could go for them to get all the evidence, and Donna felt sick, turning as pale as a ghost. Knowing they were still husband and wife was one thing, hearing them was a whole other way of torture and she couldn't take it.</p>
<p>"Turn it off." Donna uttered.</p>
<p>Smith turned off the comms, and Donna walked out, not seeing Carvalho coming from the back of the house.</p>
<p>"What happened?" Carvalho asked when he reached the door, referring to Donna who had tears in her eyes when she left the van.</p>
<p>"I think she's in love with the guy and she just heard him have some heavy making out."</p>
<p>"You think?" Samantha murmured at the same time Carvalho said "Shit" under his breath.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Donna left the van breathing raggedly. Her heart was thrumming a fast pace and her peripheral vision was darkening. Through sloppy steps, she made a beeline for the next corner and saw a cab dropping off a pregnant lady in front of a two-story Victorian house in the suburban neighbourhood. She got into the cab and mumbled her address, feeling her heart slow down.</p>
<p>Of course she knew Harvey and Paula had had sex before, but hearing them just a few feet away from her was devastating. She didn't have the right to be jealous. He wasn't even hers, but after the conversation they had… Deep down she knew it wasn't real, even if it sounded like it was. But real or not, it still hurt.</p>
<p>Her mind was in a spiral again and she felt bile come up her throat. This wasn't healthy.</p>
<p>She was moving on, and this was just a relapse. She had Thomas and oh… she hadn't thought about him once in the last day. She picked up her phone and sent him a message coming up with an excuse and making plans for the following days. Sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose, Donna decided she needed a girls' night.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Harvey had never felt dirtier in his life. He washed the reminiscent of Paula out of his body until his skin was red. He hoped Donna would understand he only did what he did so they could take all the evidence they needed.</p>
<p>Again, he had to think about autumn leaves, that reminded him of her red locks, so he could get hard, since blond and pastel only made him retch. After all, he told Donna that morning; she had to believe he would do anything to bring her justice. Fucking his — still — wife was a small price to pay to get what they needed, but doing it still made him feel like an asshole. It made him feel like he was cheating on Donna, which was absurd. They weren't together in the way he longed for, though he felt like they've always been together. Even when she was gone, she was an essential part of him.</p>
<p>He could still remember the first months after her supposed death. He had arranged everything for her funeral. So much so that her family didn't spend a cent. He thought that maybe she wouldn't want to inflict on her parents the pain of having to identify her body, so he did what had to be done. He could still recall the wind being knocked out of him when he saw her motionless body. She had always been so full of life and light, but laying there, she just didn't look like herself. Maybe that's why he felt she wasn't dead at all. His feelings for her were undying, just like the feeling she was still there.</p>
<p>After the funeral, he took a sabbatical and went to Europe. He left his phone and computer at his condo, packed a small suitcase and left. He had nightmares every single night. It was always the same recurring dream. She would be laying in the morgue, he would come nearer, she would look him dead in the eyes and say "you left, and now there's no turning back".</p>
<p>Renting a cabin in the middle of nowhere in Hungary, and staying there for nearly six months, was probably not the wisest idea for his recovery. He went to a dark place, somewhere he hadn't been before. He thought about slitting his wrists or hanging himself to escape the pain he couldn't live with, but she wouldn't want that. Although, if heaven was real, he could be with her; assuming he was going to heaven too, which he wasn't so sure of.</p>
<p>He talked to her every day about anything and everything. He talked about Mike and the firm, or how many times he wanted to kiss her. He chatted about the other time and how much he wished he had chosen a relationship above a professional one, even if he wasn't ready then. In the fifth month, however, Donna started answering him. At first, he almost fell off the tree he was sitting on. He was extremely drunk and didn't think anything else of it. But then he heard her voice again. It sounded as if it was through the intercom. And that was when she said he needed to start living again for the both of them. He didn't know how, but she saved him. Eventually, he realised Donna wouldn't want him to stay secluded, so he sought therapy and went back to work. Still, he felt her presence every day, even when he couldn't hear her anymore. He owed it to her to keep breathing.</p>
<p>And now, he owed her justice. He wasn't lying when he said he would do anything for her.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Donna went to the office. She was still replaying Harvey's and Paula's sounds in her head as if it was a terrible song stuck in her mind or a broken record she couldn't turn off. After three hours of fumbling through paperwork, she realised she wouldn't be able to get any work done and decided to go home. She sent a text to Rachel for a girl's night invitation, packed up her stuff and left for her apartment.</p>
<p>She managed to avoid Harvey during her attempt to get some work done. She didn't need to see his handsome face to help rub salt in the wound. She knew he wasn't hers, but she still felt hurt by the reminder that Paula had him and she has been all alone. Unfair was all it was.</p>
<p>When Rachel got to Donna's house, the redhead had already ordered in for the both of them and had set out wine and orange juice.</p>
<p>"You're not drinking with me?" Rachel inquired and raised an eyebrow, not really understanding why. "Don't tell me you're pregnant," she added, snickering.</p>
<p>"Doctor's orders…" Donna told her, rolling her eyes and taking a seat on the sofa. She didn't hesitate to let her best friend in on everything that went on the last couple of days. From the contents of the videos to her conversation with Harvey and having sex with Paula.</p>
<p>It all perplexed Rachel, to say the least. She thought she knew Paula, but now she could only think about if there had been any red flags during the time she had talked to her.</p>
<p>"You couldn't have known, Rach." Donna assured, cutting Rachel's train of thought. "Harvey lived with her and he didn't know."</p>
<p>"I guess no one really knows anyone…"</p>
<p>"I guess not…" Donna sighed and drank from her glass of juice.</p>
<p>"He's going to leave her." Rachel stated as an affirmation more than a question.</p>
<p>"I don't know about that… I mean… They were really passionate with each other this morning." Donna said in resignation.</p>
<p>"You don't really believe that, do you?" Rachel asked with a frown. "He did that so she wouldn't find out we know about her. He did it for you. And also, I don't believe for one second they did it passionately, as you put it."</p>
<p>"You weren't there, Rach." Donna shook her head, not really prepared to see reason and scared to even think about him doing such a thing because of her.</p>
<p>"No, I wasn't. But I know him and I know he's in love with you."</p>
<p>And that did it. Donna laughed, not seeing her friend's deliberate and puzzled expression.</p>
<p>"What's so funny? I'm serious." The brunette frowned. Confusion written all over her face.</p>
<p>The bitter laughing died just as it began. "You're really drunk."</p>
<p>"Okay, so… The night of the firm's galla, Harvey went to my house," Rachel explained, "he had a panic attack and had to be carried through the threshold by Ray."</p>
<p>"He had a panic attack? Why didn't you tell me?" Donna asked, getting nervous and frustrated.</p>
<p>"Because… I don't know. I guess I didn't want to add more to all your worries. But he was in very bad shape and he asked Mike if it was possible to love two women at the same time."</p>
<p>"Rachel, that's fucked up. No, he cannot have it both ways. And oh my God, I just remembered. That night I told him he had to give me space to breathe and that he had left me… something like that." Donna spoke in one breath, utterly bewildered.</p>
<p>"I know it's fucked up, but he was… or is fucked up... I don't know. All I know is I only saw him like that once before, and not because of Paula."</p>
<p>Rachel didn't have to say when she'd seen Harvey like that. Donna knew it must have been when she was declared dead. But now, her mind was racing. Could he really love her? And more importantly, could he really leave Paula? She knew they would hit a rough path once Paula knew Harvey was helping bring down the company she used to work for. He had said he only married Paula because he was alone, but he said all of that in a state of shock. Donna wouldn't dare get her hopes up about them. She had to protect herself.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Meanwhile, on the other side of the town. Harvey and Mike indulged in a beer, the latter being the only good thing at the moment. Harvey had also let Mike in on all the late events and the kid was still trying to process what the hell was wrong with the universe to screw his friend in all ends. As always, when facing a crisis and not knowing what to say, Mike tried to light up the mood with a joke.</p>
<p>"At least now mom and dad can be together."</p>
<p>"I just told you my marriage is ending because my wife is a criminal and that's what you say?" Harvey said in fake annoyance. The truth was, he needed to leave Paula, not only for her betrayal, but because he knew Donna was the person he was supposed to be with. "Although Samantha told me Donna heard Paula and I today and… I knew she would probably hear us… but I don't know man… Everything is so fucked up." Harvey said with a resigning sigh.</p>
<p>"I'm just thinking… Why did you… you know… with Paula? Weren't there other ways to distract her?" Mike asked with genuine curiosity.</p>
<p>Harvey took some time to ponder over Mike's question. He knew his marriage was over even before Paula's past was uncovered. He also felt disgust and aversion while touching her. Why would he put himself through such a distasteful situation?</p>
<p>"I don't know, Mike. All I know is I need to find a way to make things right <em>with</em> and foremost <em>for</em> Donna."</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p> Please don't hate me and don't give up on me. That was a scene from ALIAS and I had to write it even if it hurt. I borrow the scripts from ' '. Also, I know that in real life Harvey wouldn't be allowed in the house with the agents, and their conversation was probably not how it would've happened, but I'm claiming poetic license. Thank you, Cassie, for our silly conversations, your amazing Beta skills and for lighting up my day with Harvey Macarrot18 content!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Picture me without you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"He turned her shaky, bloody hands and saw a deep cut on her palm."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oh! Hey, you! Remember me? Remember this story? I’m so, so sorry for the huge gap between posts. Life happens, I guess. Job problems, college struggles, family losses… And I couldn’t have gone through all of it without Cassie (Follow-ur-Shadow), my amazing beta and friend. I also couldn’t have survived without Flower (Darveydh), who is one of the best friends this fandom could have given me. Thank you for listening to my whining and gibberish. I appreciate you more than you can ever know. </p><p>The next post will also take a while, but I’m doing my best. So… without further ado… Let’s do this!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“How do you feel about Paula?” The doctor challenged the lawyer in front of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harvey had gone to see Dr. Lipschitz the day after the investigation in his and Paula’s house. After recounting the events that led him to seek therapy again, the doctor asked the same question Mike asked him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Disgusted and like I never knew her. I mean, how could I be so blind?” Harvey answered, quivering with the thought of the other therapist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you love her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t believe I ever loved her. I think I wanted to love her, and I made myself believe that I did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would you do that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I was hurting.” Harvey shrugged. “When Donna died, I thought about killing myself… but she wouldn’t want that.” Harvey stated, matter-of-factly, making the doctor frown. “So I came back to New York, and I decided to live for her. I wanted to find someone, to try to be happy because Donna would want me to fight for what’s in here,” he said, placing his hand on the left side of his chest. “And I thought Paula loved me, which was a huge improvement for what I was feeling then, so I settled for her.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doctor kept scribbling in his notebook and nodding in acknowledgment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you feel about Donna? Do you love her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” Harvey replied with a conviction he didn’t even know he had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How?” The doctor asked, putting his pen aside and focussing on his patient’s expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like I would give anything for her to be happy and to find love, even if it costs my own happiness.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>You mentioned an encounter with Paula was why you needed a session</span>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well, it wasn’t only the fact that she’s a criminal that led me here.I had to distract her when the FBI was at the house and we had sex. </span>
  <span>And the visions of being with Paula, after knowing what she did, just gives me nightmares and I can’t eat and sleep.</span>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The fact Harvey didn’t say the house was his didn’t go unnoticed by the doctor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Why did you go through with the act, if you weren't comfortable</span>
  <span>? You seem like you didn’t want to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was hoping you would tell me that, doc.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know little about your previous experience with therapy, but I’m not here to give you answers. I’m here to ask you the right questions so you can reach the answers within yourself. Do you think that </span>
  <span>maybe you wanted to punish Paula through the intimacy</span>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How would I punish her by doing </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> with her? Paula doesn’t know I know the truth…” Harve wiped his sweaty hands on his khaki pants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Paula will find that out, eventually. Or maybe you were intimate with her to punish yourself or even Donna…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would I want to punish Donna?” Harvey snapped, starting to get annoyed at the doctor’s line of inquiry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not saying you did anything consciously, Harvey. But our consciousness has a means to act depending on what we are feeling. Again, I’m not saying that you feel like punishing yourself, Paula, or Donna, but the way you just acted towards my question tells me we’re close to an answer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lawyer expelled a heavy sigh and looked at his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then tell me this, do you feel guilty about what happened to Donna?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harvey laughed humorlessly at the doc’s query.“Only every single day…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Harvey, your acknowledgment is a huge progress.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Harvey opened his mouth to say something regarding the doctor’s comment, when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He fished it out to look at the screen and Samantha’s name popped up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Stan. I’ve got to take this.” The attorney said, already standing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Harvey. </span>
  <span>This feels like a good place to end for today. Will you be back for another session?</span>
  <span>” The therapist inquired, taking off his black-framed glasses and placing them on the desk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. See you next week,” </span>
  <span>Harvey said, moving from the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What can I do for you, Wheeler?” Harvey asked, closing the door behind him and going for the exit, only to have his step halt with the blonde’s answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The FBI just arrested Paula and the funders of the clinic.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does Donna know?” He felt bile reach his throat as he thought about Donna. It was all a bit more real. He didn’t know how she would react, but he guessed she would be relieved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, not yet. I think you should tell her while I let Louis know, since he’s the one handling her case.” Samantha suggested. She knew their relationship was rather strained, but if anyone could support each other during this time, it would be Donna and Harvey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fill me in on everything. I’m on my way to her place right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I'll try to picture me without you but I can't </em>
</p><p>
  <em> 'Cause we could be Immortals, Immortals </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Just not for long, for long </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And live with me forever now </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (Immortals - Fall out boys) </em>
</p><p> </p><p> It was a beautiful day. Not chilly, not hot. The bright blue sky carried a warmth similar to a mother’s hug which didn’t match the dread creeping in Donna’s chest. The light painted and stung her skin as she covered herself from and the outside world and the rays of sun coming through the window of her apartment. Five more minutes, she thought, but the bang, bang, bang on her door woke her up before she was ready to leave out of bed. Sighing, she pushed the duvet aside, wrapped her warm body in the cold silk of her robe and went for the door.</p><p>Tousled red hair met spiky, messy, dirty blond.</p><p>Donna beamed at the sheepish demeanor Harvey adorned at her doorstep and crossed her arms in front of her chest.</p><p>“Can I come in?” He scratched the back of his head as he took her in. She had bags under her eyes, but even with a tired expression, she looked utterly beautiful to him.</p><p>“Sure,” she stepped back and stared at her bare feet, too exhausted to even acknowledge the fact she heard him bang his wife/her kidnaper. “Do you want something to drink?”</p><p>“A cup of coffee?” She nodded at his request and went to her kitchen. “Why are you here, Harvey?”</p><p>“Samantha called me,” he told her while she had her back to him, starting to brew some coffee.</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“They arrested Paula and the people who funded the clinic.” Harvey stated fast, as if ripping off a band-aid.</p><p>Donna stiffened, and suddenly there was a sound of broken glass. Harvey stared at the broken shards and went to her in a hurry.</p><p>She kept her head down, staring at the broken shattered pot. He turned her shaky, bloody hands and saw a deep cut on her palm.</p><p>“Christ, Donna!” He said, turning on the tap water and putting her hand under the running water, grabbing a clean dish cloth on his side and then wrapping her palm with it to stop the blood. “We should go to the ER.”</p><p>“N-no,” she responded just above a whisper. </p><p>“Come on. I'll grab your coat,” he motioned her to the door, not listening to her.</p><p>“No. I just…” she gasped, “I need to sit down for a second.” Donna went for her couch with wobbly legs, almost stumbling on her coffee table.</p><p>“Donna, I really think you need stitches.” Harvey took a seat next to her with a frown, far enough not to touch her, but enough to do so if she allowed him. “Come on. I'll grab your coat,” he motioned again to the door, not listening to her.</p><p>“It’s fine. It’s not hurting. I’m actually feeling… nothing.” Donna stared at her palm, not knowing what to do. Her hands were shaking and her whole body seemed to not respond properly. All she could do was sit and stare at her digits, while her bones trembled with every breath she took.</p><p>“You’re crying.” Harvey gasped when he saw the tears running down her flushed cheeks.</p><p>She lifted her injured hand to touch her face, noticing he was indeed right. She was crying.</p><p>“I don’t know why.” She leveled her gaze, sharing a weak smile with the man beside her, only to stare at her injured hand once more.</p><p>His heart ached for the woman who was a part of him, but all he could do was shed a few tears of his own. He reached for the hand that wasn’t hurt resting on her lap and gave it a gentle squeeze. Sparks flew between their intertwined hands, awaking feelings that should have been buried two years ago but weren’t.</p><p>Sensing her breath falter with his proximity, Harvey cleared his throat and motioned to release her grasp, only to find her not letting go of his hand.</p><p>“Please,” she whispered as a plea. “I don’t feel anything.” With a breath caught in her throat she managed to explain further, “the only thing I feel is this.” She lifted their joined hands between them and dropped again.</p><p>They stayed like that for a few minutes, just letting their tears clean their sorrows away. As if their saltines matched the oceans and their worries could be carried away with the waves, caused by the fall of a single drop.</p><p>“I wanted the pain to go away so badly that I… I thought about... you don't know how close I came to...” he stumbled over the admission with a heavy breath.</p><p>“W-what?” Donna faced him wide eyed, tightening her grip on his hand and reaching out to touch his forearm with her uninjured one. </p><p>“Before you say anything, just let me finish,” he sighed, gathering the strength he seemed to gather from her presence alone. “I didn’t want to go on, but I heard your voice and you said you didn’t want me to do that. And then I went on and lived a mediocre life while you were being tortured, and I blame myself for it because I should’ve known. I should’ve fought to find you because I felt you in every cell of my being. And even being locked away, you managed to save me, but I wasn’t able to do the same for you.” He breathed after his outburst, finally looking into the pool of her eyes that always seemed to fill him with life. “What I’m trying to say is that I am so, <em> so </em>very sorry for not fighting, for not being worthy of you.”</p><p>Donna shook her head slightly. “At first I blamed you but then I realized that I didn’t and I don’t need you to be the hero. No one could’ve known where I was,” <em> besides Paula and the people at the clinic, </em>she thought. “But you were right when you said I would never want you to hurt yourself. And the thought of you doing it because of me…” She stumbled on her words, not being able to fathom what he went through.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that… I just want to tell you that I know what you heard, but it meant nothing. She’s to blame for everything we went through. But that’s not the only reason my marriage with her is over.”</p><p>“Are you sure, Harvey? Because I heard you two and… I’m not sure you’re ready to let her go.”</p><p> “No. What you heard was bullshit,” he shook his head. “I feel sick even thinking about it and I think I acted in the moment. I don’t know precisely why I didn’t act differently, but it wasn’t because I still had feelings for her, because I don’t. What I feel for her is just disgust.”</p><p>Donna sighed and looked at his phone that was sitting at the coffee table. Its ringing caused her heart to leap inside her chest, and it made her think of how much more news they could receive in a day.</p><p>Feeling some tension building in his shoulders, Harvey stood to answer the caller. He listened to the person on the other end of the line and just uttered an “I’ll be there”.</p><p>Hearing his words, Donna lifted her gaze to look at him, meeting frustration in the form of a frown.</p><p>“It’s okay if you need to...” Donna tried to say, only to be cut off.</p><p>“It wasn't. It was Paula.”</p><p>Donna’s eyes widened at the mention of the name that caused her stomach to do a somersault.</p><p>“She thinks I’ll represent her, but I’m filing for an annulment and that’s all I have to say to her.” Given their last encounter, he knew it would only be natural for her to employ him as her lawyer.</p><p>So much grief was written in his eyes that Donna wondered if he didn’t love his wife, after all. However, he had to be the one to acknowledge his feelings. It wasn’t her job to lay them out for him, nor decide their future for them. It had to be his decision to either leave his wife or not. Plus, she wasn’t even sure of what would happen to their relationship if he were to end his marriage. Would they ignore the feelings they had for one another like all the years she was his secretary? If those feelings were to be acknowledged, would they then be together? She didn’t want to think of the possibilities, for they were just her longing heart trying to hold on to hope, and that was only bound to bring her more pain. So instead of voicing her insecurities, she nodded and led him to the door. </p><p>“Will you be okay with everything?” She asked.</p><p>“I will.”</p><p>She opened the door and his heart sank when he stepped out of her apartment. It took all his strength not to take her in his arms right there and then, but it wasn’t their time so he did what he could.</p><p>“Go to the hospital, check out that hand, please.” He urged.</p><p>“I’ll just change… and I’ll see you later, okay?” Donna lifted her gaze to look at him, meeting frustration in the form of a frown while she tried to ignore the throb in her hand.</p><p>“See you later.”</p><p>…</p><p>Harvey entered the interrogation room and saw Paula’s teary face. She was not cuffed to the table and relief washed over her expression when she saw her husband.</p><p>“Sweetheart, thank God you’re here. You’re not going to believe -”</p><p>“Cut the bullshit, Paula. I’ve seen the videos and all the evidence against you. I just came here to deliver you this,” Harvey snapped, and threw the folder he was carrying on the steel table in front of her. </p><p>The blonde bit her tongue and stared at the object in front of her.</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about, babe.” She pretended to be clueless; her eyes not meeting his betraying her resolve. “And what is this? A petition for what?” She asked, not really understanding what the first sentence on the papers meant.</p><p>“I filed for an annulment,” he explained almost matter-of-factly, making her eyes widen and glisten. “You see, Paula, I thought you were a completely different person. I thought you were kind, compassionate, patient and a good person, but you fooled me.” Harvey shook his head and a bitter smirk tainted his tired features. “What do they say? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”</p><p>“Aren’t you going to let me say anything?” Paula shouted as she saw him moving to the door.</p><p>He didn’t want to hear her voice or look at her piercing blue eyes.</p><p>“What could you possibly have to say?” Harvey uttered with a strained voice.</p><p>“Her life was a small price to pay,” Paula straightened her back and looked at Harvey straight in the eyes. Her once shocked expression was replaced with a challenging one.</p><p>“What did you just say to me?” Harvey spoke with a hint threat, daring her to say what she had to say. His heart was hammering fast against his chest. He wanted to be the one to give her the papers of the annulment, but he was starting to regret his choice.</p><p>“Her life for the life of millions,” Paula said as if it was obvious. “There’s no progress without collateral damage. Unfortunately, some people have to pay so others can thrive.”</p><p>“What the fuck are you talking about?” Harvey was disturbed by her reasoning. Not only was she admitting to hurting Donna, but she also believed she did it for a greater good.</p><p>“Our study would improve the lives of millions of people. We could have helped soldiers who suffer from PTSD and we could have erased the minds of criminals and given them a new life and made them better people.“</p><p>“You helped Charles erase Donna’s mind and made her stab a guy in the stomach! How the fuck were you making anyone a better person?” </p><p>“We had to test towards the other direction too,” Paula shrugged. “So we could prevent the study from falling into the wrong hands. And we were doing great before there was a security breach and some of our specimens got out. Donna was one of them and that’s why they abandoned her project. She was so promising. We were able to erase her memory, preserve her innate abilities and control her actions.” Paula spoke with pride and wonderment. </p><p>Bile rose in his throat as he saw the woman he married talking about hurting people as if it was her job and nothing else. She was proud of her work and he couldn’t understand how someone’s mind could be so twisted.“You actually believe you were doing something good.” His sentence was more a realization than a question as bewilderment and disgust dressed his tone. </p><p>“You don’t know enough about our project to have an opinion about it,” she said with a shrug.“But I love you,” Paula declared after a few moments of silence filled with tension and sadness. “I left the project because I realized you wouldn’t forgive me if you knew.”</p><p>“You got the forgiveness part right. I will <em> never </em>forgive you.” Harvey’s last sentence cut through her heart and her eyes glistened with unshed tears.</p><p>Harvey couldn’t fathom the fact she believed she was doing something good to the world. So much so, he wasn’t even able to argue with her. He left her there, then, with the papers that ended their story as a couple and to deal alone with the consequences of her actions. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Tell me what you think? Your comments keep me going and I'd love to know if I should keep posting.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. The voices of your soul / Pleasures</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Mike knew that when it came to Donna, Harvey had always behaved unexpectedly. He guessed so many suppressed feelings would do that to a person.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Yay! I'm freaking back!</p>
<p>Part 2 is M rated for sexual content. Feel free to skip it, since it is not necessary for the understanding of this story. Also, feel free to read it to quench your thirsty mind. ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Part 1</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>The voices of your soul</strong>
</p>
<p>Harvey was homeless. He had gathered some of his suits and essentials and moved to a four-star hotel, where he'd been living for the past month. He would have to buy more clothes eventually, since he had only four in his hotel room.</p>
<p>He couldn't sleep in the house that had been theirs, and he couldn't call it his home anymore. Regret of meeting Paula not only tainted all his good memories in that place, but it also clouded his judgement.</p>
<p>Which was why he'd found himself in sweats throwing fuel at the room he used to sleep in. The smell of gasoline filled his senses and left him lightheaded, albeit not preventing him from soaking her pastel skirts, woolen shirts and his Tom Ford suits.</p>
<p>Harvey, Jessica and Samantha, with the help of the FBI, managed to move forward Paula's and the clinic's hearing to the day prior. Therefore, it was needless to say everyone was affected by the scientists' and funder's confessions.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>
  <em>Two weeks before the trial.</em>
</p>
<p>Simon and Daemon Ainsworth, two loaded English brothers, inherited a lot of money from their deceased grandparents. Before their death, the old couple took up their responsibility to house the twin brothers as their own when their parents died, when they were only preteens. Their parent's deaths were still a mystery.</p>
<p>They were brought up by the housekeepers and cooks of the family. Though remarkably brilliant, their sense of empathy and community was lacking. Only the employers of the household noticed their odd behavior, despite the fact the brothers never managed to keep their pets alive for more than a few weeks.</p>
<p>When in high school, they were always involved in serious incidents associated with the school lab. One episode in particular had them expelled from their school and a girl trapped in a wheelchair for life. No one ever found the truth about what happened that day. What they did know was that the twin brothers were homeschooled after that, and the injured girl's silence was bought by their wealthy grandparents.</p>
<p>In college, Simon pursued a medical career, while his brother, a psychology degree.</p>
<p>They built a clinic called SD-6 together, and when one of their patient's sons sued them for running illegal tests on his sickened father, the twins went off the radar. SD-6 was closed, and no one heard of the twin brothers again, until now. In the past week, they had been all over the news as the Crazy Twin Scientists.</p>
<p>According to some websites, the brothers had help from other doctors they had gone to college with. Paula Agard was one of the doctors that conducted the experiments, tests and psychology analyses on the victims they cherry picked from the street. This doctor, however, dropped out from the crazy experiments when she was assigned to evaluate one of the victims' family members and ended up marrying the guy. Dr. Agard kept her past a secret until one of the patients, the very one that belonged to her husband's family, escaped from the clinic and managed to get their face on a newspaper.</p>
<p>This patient was eventually captured again, had their memory erased, but the study had been compromised already. The twin brothers didn't kill her only because this patient was considered their most promising subject. It was basically like the patient could read minds or something."</p>
<p>That was the story the guy waiting in line at the coffee shop struggled to believe, and he quickly questioned his female colleague who was telling him about it.</p>
<p>"Read minds?" The guy at the coffee shop asked the brunette who was holding a newspaper and telling him the crazy story she just read. "Now you're just making up," the guy said, grabbing the paper from the tall woman and scanning the article.</p>
<p>"Hey!" She complained, but let the man see for himself. Her bright black hair tied in a ponytail swung from one side to the other as she shook her head disapprovingly.</p>
<p>"Damn! This woman is hot! Can you imagine being this hot and even being able to read minds?" He laughed and glanced at his friend mischievously.</p>
<p>Their banter intrigued Thomas as he waited behind the couple. The line to get a simple latte was huge in a rush hour, but both friends didn't seem to notice.</p>
<p>"I am just as hot! I just can't read minds…" She shrugged and slapped her friend on the forearm, making him grin at her. She picked up the paper back from him and opened it wider to look at the big picture displayed in front of her.</p>
<p>Thomas gasped when he saw Donna's beautiful features imprinted in the black and white sheet of paper.</p>
<p>"Excuse me, can I see that for a second?" Thomas asked the woman in front of him, pointing at the article and then just snatching the paper for himself.</p>
<p>"Sure…" The woman answered with a frown, receiving a quizzical look from her friend, who just murmured in her ear a "coo-coo".</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Harvey could still hear the sickening words his ex-wife had said in court and remembered the look of terror on Donna's face. He knew Paula was probably a sociopath, as one of the government psychiatrists, who examined everyone involved, claimed. However, her diagnoses didn't erase the afflicting statements that came out of someone that mere months ago he could've sworn was a kind-hearted person. He sat on his former bed and stared at the ruined wardrobe and clothing.</p>
<p>"<em>We could have changed the world. A few lives for the lives of million others. Imagine if we could reboot someone that has done something bad and still preserve their essence? If we were successful, we could have made the world a better place…" Paula admitted to the jury, without a hint of regret.</em></p>
<p>Harvey shook his head in disbelief. She truly believed she was being a good person, only to have the twin brothers who funded the clinic discredit her assumptions.</p>
<p>"<em>My brother and I..." Simon said, "we started the project with one goal and one goal only: sell this project to whoever could pay more. We would have our names in the drugs developed and we could use them in war zones and in creating perfect soldiers. Soldiers with no memories of what they saw, only to follow orders without questioning and still preserving their best abilities."</em></p>
<p>"<em>What's the difference between our project and the creation of a fire gun? None! You're all concerned about the project because there has been some collateral damage," Daemon completed with a shrug, "but I have to remind you that no major steps for humankind have been made without collateral damage."</em></p>
<p>Harvey swallowed hard the lump that formed in his throat, feeling a shiver run down his spine. He still didn't know how Donna escaped their facilities, nor how she got onto a plane and managed to appear in a newspaper in the US. She probably had help from someone on the inside, and whoever helped her, he would be forever thankful.</p>
<p>He sighed and stood up. Still absently toying with the lighter in one hand and a gallon in the other, he moved to the study and started soaking the psychology and law books, then the desk he had fucked Paula on.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>It had been two weeks since Thomas knocked on her door with a newspaper in hand, asking why her face was printed in it, and if she could actually read minds. Donna could almost laugh at his antics if it wasn't for the fact she could already feel their relationship was doomed.</p>
<p>She tried to explain what had happened and why she didn't tell him, but didn't have all the answers. Sure, a few things were still unanswered, but at least now, after the trial, she knew why and who did all those things to her.</p>
<p>Before the trial even took place, her face was plastered all over the news. She was pictured as a martyr, with superpowers, who defeated a group of crazy scientists. It wouldn't be weird if some newspapers and tv shows asked her for an interview, Samantha told her, but all she wanted was to find out all there was to know and move on.</p>
<p>She thought about the possibility of moving on with Thomas, but his expression told her he could never look at her the same way he had before. His knuckles were white as they gripped the newspaper, as if the piece of evidence was going to escape from his grasp. Donna could only sigh and let the man say what he had to say.</p>
<p>"<em>I'm here, no matter what."</em> He assured her he would take care of her and be by her side with so much tenderness that it almost broke her heart. But then it came, the pitying look and the small tilt of his head, and that made her burst with what she knew was inevitable.</p>
<p>"<em>I'm sorry, Thomas. I just can't."</em></p>
<p>And that was the end of their two-month relationship. He even asked her if she needed time, but she didn't. She wanted to move on with someone that wasn't basing their opinion on what they read. Donna being Donna, she just knew Thomas could never move past that. She would never be able to let him in and he would eventually realise it was actually too much too soon for a new relationship to handle.</p>
<p>Harvey, however, was a whole other story. After meeting Paula at the precinct, she saw him back at the office wearing his usual Tom Ford suit and a slighted twisted blue tie. He seemed concerned about her injured hand, which had needed stitches and was wrapped in a bandage. He had sat on the corner of her desk, looked in her eyes and taken her fingers into his for close examination. Donna still could feel the tingles from his touch and his burning gaze. The sensation only added to guilt when Thomas appeared at her door, when she was still with him, breaking her moment with Harvey.</p>
<p>It was before she had broken up with Thomas, but it was difficult to see both men shake hands, but after their encounter she realized Harvey may never be ready for her, for he just stopped talking to her. He wouldn't even look at her face or ask her how she was. It was like he started treating her as a stranger which felt a thousand times worse than if he treated her as an enemy. And now, a month after the two men saw each other, two weeks after her break-up and a day after the trial, she looked for jobs and houses to rent outside of the Big Apple.</p>
<p>Rachel had suggested Seattle, since she and Mike were considering opening a clinic there. She also heard Jessica discuss with Jeff the possibility of going to California. Albeit, both places seemed appealing to her, Donna thought that maybe she needed to move to a place where she could move on her own.</p>
<p>The only problem with moving forward now was the nagging feeling she had about finding out every single detail of what had happened in those fateful two years of her life. Sure, before the trial she just wanted to forget everything and move on with her life, but how was she supposed to have her own life with missing pieces? She couldn't. Not after she found out someone had helped her escape, and not after she knew exactly what she had done as Julia Thorne.</p>
<p>A few sessions with Dr. Lipschitz helped Donna realize that Julia was not a different person, but just a part of herself. Julia was a version of her that was born in contrived circumstances, and denying or neglecting Julia's existence would never be healthy. If she didn't embrace that part of herself, she would probably be haunted forever.</p>
<p>Therefore, England was the best place to find answers. She would go there and find out everything about her other half. She would find out all there was to know about her past. The twin brothers might have destroyed a huge part of the documents before getting caught, which didn't prevent them from going to prison, thank God. But that wouldn't stop her from getting what she needed. And what she needed was closure.</p>
<p>
  <em>Listen to the voices of your soul</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>They're trying to tell you</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>What you already know</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Are you trying to be immortal</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>(Immortal - Beth Hart)</em>
</p>
<p>The lighter had a different weight in Harvey's hand. Opening the lid of the silver object, he stared at the flame. It flickered with the breeze coming from one of the open windows, as if it didn't seem threatening. Its blue core was calming while the orange and red danced around, as if mocking his resolve. He shook his head and closed the lid, making the little flame dissipate and leaving him in a darker place. Looking around, he saw it then.</p>
<p>A can-opener.</p>
<p>It was lying peacefully on the kitchen island. It wasn't even close to being as shiny and beautiful as the memories from another time. He came closer to it and examined the object, not daring to touch it. What on earth was it doing there in the first place? He should have seen it before, right? Every time he went to the house, after finding out the things about Paula, he should have seen it, but he hadn't. He should have realized that things would never be the way they were before psychotic therapists and kidnappings. Everything now was just a cheap replacement of what it could have been. But what else would it be? He shook his head again. Things weren't making sense anymore.</p>
<p>He left the object in its resting place, left the empty gallon of fuel he was holding at the foot of the staircase and, without wasting a second longer, threw the lighter with its lid open on the drenched floor. Harvey saw the flames following the trail of fuel. It flickered and danced, hungrily wiping out the carpet on its way. The thick acrid smell of the smoke filled his senses, but he just stared at it while it devoured everything in its path, belching out black. It was majestic.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Rachel was lying peacefully on the couch, head resting on her husband's lap while indulging with the latest best seller according to the New York Times. Mike flicked through the pages of a case, memorizing every line with a single glance, and absent-mindedly stroking his wife's soft brown hair. The buzzing of his phone stole the couple's focus from their readings. The brunette reached for the device on the coffee table and handed it to Mike, without even seeing what was written on the lit up screen.</p>
<p>She looked up at her husband's handsome features. His eyes glistened when he stared at their fireplace, listening to the person on the other end of the line. His jaw dropped open, and he stood up fast, almost knocking Rachel out of the couch.</p>
<p>"What? I'm on my way!" He said, hanging up the phone and looking at his wife. Fear etched all over his demeanor.</p>
<p>"Mike?" Rachel pleaded, fear also starting to tingle along her spine.</p>
<p>"It's Harvey. There has been a fire at his and Paula's place…"</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Mike arrived at what was supposed to be Harvey's house. The fire had engulfed the building from all sides, from the ground to the roof, it was all flames. The deep purple and amber ate up the curtains while firefighters tried to put it out. He heard a crash coming from where the kitchen would be, and the ceiling was brought down in a pile of rubble. The flames licked up the air and Mike felt the urge to vomit thinking about if Harvey had been inside of that place. No one would survive such a thing, and even if someone did, they would never be the same.</p>
<p>Among pairs of curious eyes from the neighbours, Rachel felt her skin burn, and despite the heat she clung on Mike's arm. The firemen were getting the blaze under control, but still viciously destroyed what once had been a perfect house for a family. The smoldering wood and devastation made her think of how everything was fragile, and in the blink of an eye, everything could turn into ashes. Catastrophic was the only word in her mind. She wasn't that close to the fire, but the heat was so intense that she squinted and redirected her gaze to the ambulance on her right.</p>
<p>The back door of an ambulance was open, and Harvey had a blanket around him. Aside from a few dark spots from the smoke around his face and a haunted expression, he seemed uninjured. He stared at the house but seemed to see past the fire.</p>
<p>She touched her husband's shoulder then and indicated towards Harvey was sitting.</p>
<p>Mike approached his best-friend as relief washed over him, cautiously, as if his proximity would scare him away.</p>
<p>"Mind telling what happened here?" Mike inquired, taking a place beside him at the ambulance.</p>
<p>"I set fire to the house," Harvey said, almost matter-of-factly.</p>
<p>"<em>You</em> did that?" The younger lawyer raised a brow in question.</p>
<p>"It's funny what some gasoline and a lighter can do, right?" The older man finally lifted his gaze with a smirk that died after seeing the desperation in his protogé's face.</p>
<p>"You scared me to death, old man."</p>
<p>"I am not suicidal, Mike." Harvey felt the need to add 'anymore' to that statement, but bit his tongue, not wanting to add more dread into the situation.</p>
<p>"The thing is… I really don't care about this house or anything inside it," Harvey explained, "I only care about her."</p>
<p>"I don't think Paula is thrilled in prison, Harvey. I mean… I've been there and I can tell you —"</p>
<p>"I'm not talking about Paula, Mike." Harvey looked into his friend's eyes for a second and then looked at his shoes again.</p>
<p>"Oh."</p>
<p>"Yeah… well… I hope that Thomas guy treats her well."</p>
<p>It was strange to see Harvey like that. The man had just burned down his own house, and now he could only talk about a woman whose hair reminded him of the same fire that engulfed the white walls of the Victorian house. Mike knew that when it came to Donna, Harvey had always behaved unexpectedly. He guessed so many suppressed feelings would do that to a person.</p>
<p>"She's not with Thomas anymore," Mike told him, suddenly sparking something in his friend, who looked back at him as if a light had been switched.</p>
<p>"She's not?" He almost gasped at the words.</p>
<p>"Unless she lied to Rachel, no. They broke up a couple of weeks ago," Mike shrugged.</p>
<p>Harvey stood up, throwing the blanket in the ambulance and storming off, making Mike go after him.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, Mike. I have to go…"</p>
<p>"Go where?" The young man stopped in his tracks.</p>
<p>"I… just have to."</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Indulging herself in a warm bath, Donna flickered her eyes open, hearing a sound at her front door. She made a mental note to complain to her landlord and ask him why people seemed able to get into her building without going through the intercom. With a heavy sigh, she wrapped her soaked body in a bathrobe. Tiptoeing, careful to not slip, she spied who it was through the peephole and opened the door. Taking in the man in front of her made her heart stop for a second.</p>
<p>"Did you go through a war zone to get here?" She asked Harvey, not understanding why his face was smeared with ashes. His cheeks were flushed, as if he had spent too much time under the sun, while his pupils were dilated. Through heaving breaths he side-stepped her and entered her apartment without an invitation.</p>
<p>"What the hell happened?" Donna pleaded, closing the door, momentarily forgetting her lack of clothes under her robe and crossing her arms around her chest.</p>
<p>"I burned down my house, but that's not why I'm here—" Harvey started. But she didn't let him finish.</p>
<p>"You burnt your house down?" Her high-pitched voice echoed in the apartment as she approached him, trying to see if he was okay.</p>
<p>"I'm fine, Donna," he explained, already knowing why she was in such a frantic state. "And like I said, that's not why I'm here."</p>
<p>He looked around, as if searching for something or someone, but Donna couldn't quite pinpoint what it was, still focussed on his possible injuries or burns.</p>
<p>"You're alone," he stated the observation. "It's a Saturday and you're alone."</p>
<p>Seeing he wasn't really injured, she sighed and closed her eyes. It was just typical of him, getting distant when she was seeing someone, but never daring to cross a line when she was single.</p>
<p>"Yeah… well… Thomas didn't know everything I went through, and he believed the news when they said I could read minds. So you can imagine -"</p>
<p>Donna didn't get to finish her sentence as his lips crashed on hers. She tried to take a step back, startled by his sudden movement. His mouth, however, didn't leave hers, and his hand on the small of her back prevented her from going anywhere. After a few seconds, her body reacted, and she reached around his neck to deepen the kiss. Their tongues battled for dominance, making her heart soar and stomach flutter. The smell of his cologne, mixed with sweat and smoke, reminded her of the circumstances that led him to her door, acting irrationally. She moved her hand to his chest and stepped back, ungluing their lips and leaving only their foreheads still touching.</p>
<p>"Harvey, I think you're in shock…" She said above a whisper.</p>
<p>"When I saw you with Thomas at the office… I… I had another panic attack." He struggled with the admission and she arched back to take a proper look at him.</p>
<p>"You - "</p>
<p>"Please, let me finish," he begged, clinging onto her and not letting her leave his embrace. "I thought I was losing you all over again, for a completely different reason, and I couldn't bear that. But Mike told me you broke up with Thomas and I… had to do something."</p>
<p>"Harvey…" Donna sighed and clenched her fists at the back of his shirt.</p>
<p>"I looked around the ruins of my burnt down house tonight and nothing mattered, but you. And the hardest thing I've ever had to do was stay with Paula loving you."</p>
<p>Wrapping her arms around his neck, she kissed him, deeply, fully and wholeheartedly.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <strong>Part 2</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Pleasures</strong>
</p>
<p>Her fingers were on his hair and shoulder blades, holding and keeping him secure in her embrace. His mouth was everywhere he could touch; lips, forehead, cheek, neck, collarbone. His big hands traced the extent of her arms, her body and then her face. He stopped his ministrations only to look at her, flushed with swollen lips and dilated pupils. The flame he saw behind her gaze melted his resolve and weakened his knees.</p>
<p>He pressed her body with his own against her front door with force, lifting her off the ground with his hands under her backside for support. She gasped and closed her eyes, gathering all her strength not to come right there and then. When mechanically her legs tightened around his waist.</p>
<p>She reached for the waistband of her robe and with a swift motion so it parted easily. The material still covered her though, and Harvey released the pressure of his body against hers to let the garment fall down her shoulders, leaving her bare to him. Her nakedness engrossed him, making his breath hitch in his throat.</p>
<p>For Donna, though, Harvey was too dressed. Fumbling with his tie and dress shirt, she almost didn't realize his hands were traveling from her backside to her waist and breasts; her weight was only supported by the pressure of his waist.</p>
<p>
  <em>I've seen it all</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>There's no more need for fighting</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And I've had pleasures</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Not known by mortal man</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I've seen every place</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>There's no more need for searching</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>(Immortal Pleasures - Ace Frehley)</em>
</p>
<p>His tie and shirt were easy enough to take it off, but her movements halted when the hot skin of her breasts were touched by his hungry mouth. She moaned and arched her back, hugging his neck and keeping him in place. Between scratches and niblings, he groaned her name, making her heart skip a bit and eyes water. His tongue toyed with a nipple and after leaving it with a decadent plop, he moved his hand down under the back of her right knee, and hoisted her away from the wall, carrying her to the kitchen counter; the closest surface he could find.</p>
<p>He stepped out of her embrace, not leaving her gaze, and started unfastening his belt. As if on cue, she went for the robe that still haphazardly slung over her shoulders and lazily dragged it out of her body, exposing freckled, flushed milky skin.</p>
<p>Harvey had never seen someone as beautiful as the woman in front of him. Her tousled flaming locks never looked better. Her lipstick never seemed to bring out her pout as it did right now. Her bra had never done justice to the shape of her bust—</p>
<p>"Harvey, less staring and more undressing."</p>
<p>Her words took him out of his trance. He must have stopped at some point between her opening legs invitingly, and the bite of her bottom lip, but he continued and took off his pants, shoes and socks in a fast motion. Only in his boxers, he reached for her again, as if seeking warmth after too long in a cold hard winter.</p>
<p>He grabbed her by the waist, bringing her closer to the edge of the counter. "You have no idea how long I've been dying to be able to touch you like this," he whispered in her ear.</p>
<p>"Twelve and a half years?" She asked, almost out of breath as soon as his left hand traveled to tease the other nipple.</p>
<p>"It feels like thirteen years to me," he countered, letting her hands explore his defined torso. His mouth followed his hand as it began wandering down and souther.</p>
<p>Her nails scratched his shoulder blades and lower back, making him groan and bite down a little on her breast, the sensation then soothed by his tongue. Her moans joined their erratic breathing, filling her apartment with the sound of lust, passion and longing.</p>
<p>She sucked on the pulse point of his neck, when the back of his finger traced the slit of her folds and ignited her nerves. She let her hand explore the clad bulge in his boxers. The feeling of his hot skin through the thin fabric made her even more wanting, so she reached up her hand and slid it inside his underwear.</p>
<p>The touch of her hand made him twitch and close his eyes. The feeling so overwhelming he thought he never felt so much pleasure from a single grip.</p>
<p>Her thumb caressed the slit of his tip, making him groan her name, teasing her nipple with his breath. He reached for her wrist then, halting her movements.</p>
<p>"I want you to come with me."</p>
<p>His husky voice would have made Donna fall on her knees if she wasn't seated on the marble counter. But she stopped her ministrations nonetheless, only to take off his shirt and tie, as she murmured in his ear to take her to bed, forgetting her robe and all barriers in the kitchen. Lifting her off the bench by the waist, he wrapped his arms around her frame, which allowed both to savor each other's proximity and scent. Strawberries and vanilla mixed with smoke, whiskey and cologne. Her fingers went to his neck while her legs enveloped his waist, allowing his arousal to tease her core.</p>
<p>Reaching her bed, he placed her on the mattress and motioned for her to slide up to the headboard. The view of Donna, laying down with a captivating smile and completely freckled body, made his breath hitch.</p>
<p>Staring fully at her, he took off his boxers, making his hardened length bob from its confines and desire pool between her legs. The view of Harvey, standing in front of her showing his complete manhood, bare chested with softly defined muscles, made a shiver run down Donna's spine. He crawled over her then, enjoying the extent of her long milky legs.</p>
<p>Kissing his way up the inner part or her thighs, until the tip of his nose lightly touched her slit.</p>
<p>Her right hand clasped the white sheets of her bedding while the other touched the short strands of his hair in anticipation. Not necessarily encouraging him, but giving permission and longing for him at the same time.</p>
<p>He looked up to see her flushed face and furrowed brows almost begging for the feel of him. For thirteen years they'd been in sync, and there would be time for more teasing and exploring. What they both really craved was being united as one.</p>
<p>He ran his finger between her folds again, tracing the path of what soon would be his, making her back arch and her mouth to gasp. Her need was driving him so crazy that he thought he would burst at the mere sight of her constellationed skin.</p>
<p>She reached for his head then, pulling him up and making his mouth meet hers. They kissed passionately until she couldn't bear not having him completely. Holding his base and positioning him at her entrance, she could see his eyes searching for permission. With a blink and twirl of her hips, he swallowed hard and slowly sank into her.</p>
<p>Giving her time to adjust to his intrusion, he looked into her darkened orbs and almost drowned into her gaze.</p>
<p>She saw everything she ever wanted in his face; lust and tenderness, love and surrender.</p>
<p>Her walls clenched around him, letting him know it was okay to start moving, and so he did.</p>
<p>Gently caressing his back and shoulders, she didn't dare take her eyes off of him. Their lips met then, lazily savoring each other's taste.</p>
<p>The feel of her lips on his was too overwhelming for them to keep the slow pace.</p>
<p>With each thrust, their desire kept building up to the point where their unsteady rhythm was in perfect sync. Moans and groans filled the silent apartment, while their sweaty writhing bodies came close to their climax.</p>
<p>Feeling her walls flutter around him, Harvey took one of her knees and positioned it over his shoulder, making her gasp his name in delight and deepen her nails into his buttocks. The new angle added more friction and allowed them a complete union. The view of her parted lips mesmerized him to the point he wouldn't be able to hold back if she wasn't already screaming his name and clenching him with full force. Her hands clung on his muscled forearms, while he spilled all his love and affection into her.</p>
<p>They let their mutual ecstasies wash over them, both needing some time so their minds could stop spiraling. Still inside her, he lifted some of his weight to take her in.</p>
<p>Her hazel eyes glistened with unshed tears in the dark room and her heart soared with having to tell him she had to go to England.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Cassie, you're an angel. ILY! Thank you SM for fixing my clumsy words. Flor, you're my person. Thank you for all the encouragement and for cheering me on.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Continue to love me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Marching to her and kneeling in front of her, he took her hands in his and looked deep into her hazel eyes."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N:  I guess this is it, folks. All things must come to an end. This has been an amazing ride, and I’m so thankful for everyone who took the time to read my first fic and left a comment. I appreciate and see all of you. THANK YOU. Maybe one day I’ll write an epilogue to this, but no promises. <br/>Tell me if you want any questions answered, and I might add another chapter to answer them. Also, I’d love to see what you thought of this, so maybe leave a comment?!<br/>PS: Debbie, all the fluff I struggled to write is for you and your bubbly heart. You push against my angst and ILY for it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Did I hurt you?” Harvey asked, not fully sure why Donna seemed to fight back tears.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, Harvey,” she said, caressing his cheek with one hand and his short strands with the other. “I’m just overwhelmed. I guess...” She smiled softly at him and he returned the gesture, slipping out of her and making them both feel the loss of contact.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He moved to lay his head on her shoulder, taking in her scent and being as close to her as much as he could. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His arm rested across her bare chest while she kept looking at the ceiling, wondering how she was going to break the news of her impending trip to England. After a few heartbeats, she broke their moment. “I’m gonna run you a bath,” she said, running patterns over the skin of his bicep, “you have some dark spots that are begging to be cleaned.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lifting his weight to look properly at her, he couldn’t fathom how much he missed her teasing smile.“Are you saying I’m dirty?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He lifted the brow adorned by the moles Donna always wanted to touch, but never could; at least not after that passionate night after they both quit the DA’s office.“Well... I’m not saying you’re clean.” A grin lit both faces, and she ran her thumb across his moles and kissed his mouth, just because she could.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t see you complaining ten minutes ago.” Harvey bantered, getting up from the bed and looking for his boxers.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excuse me for not thinking about this kind of dirtiness ten minutes ago,” she said with a teasing smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>searching for something to cover up, Harvey looked at the freckled porcelain skin of her torso, only to see a ten-inch pink line across her lower back. Before she could grab a loose T-shirt, he went over to her, putting his both hands on her waist to keep her in place and analyse the mark properly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is this a scar?” He asked, making her turn and try to look at what he was talking about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t see it,” she told him, still trying to turn around.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come here,” Harvey went to her side of the bed and guided her to stand in front of the full size mirror. With his hands on her waist, he turned her so she could see what he was talking about.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” She gasped, her eyes falling across it for the first time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve never seen it,” Harvey stated as an affirmative more than a question. The fact she still didn’t know everything that happened to her bothered him. They knew some of the horrors she had endured, but having actual physical marks on the body of the woman he loved made him sick to his stomach. He couldn’t protect her then, but looking at her now, he promised himself to never let anything bad ever happen to her again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. And I don’t know where I got it.” Releasing an annoyed sigh, she went for a new robe instead of a T-shirt, and then moved to the bathroom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sitting at the edge of her tub and checking the temperature of the running water, she looked up to see a frowning Harvey at the door watching her with concern.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Talk to me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need to find out more,” she explaine</span>
  <span>d. The mark on her body reminding her there were still so many questions left unanswered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can have other interrogations with the brothers...” his suggestion died on the tip of his tongue with a shake of her head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t get anything else from them unless I offer something in return,” she reasoned, now looking at her bare feet with clasped hands. This was it. She had to tell him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You want to go to England, don’t you?” he asked, beating her to it, after studying her stance for a few seconds.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She raised her head, startled by his accurate assumption.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How...?” Like a deer caught up in the headlights, her eyes couldn’t deny her plan even if she wanted to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leaning on the door frame, Harvey scratched the back of his neck and expelled a tired breath.“I’ve thought about it too... About going there for you and finding out everything there is to know, if that’s what you needed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Never in a million years had Donna imagined Harvey would do such a thing for her. At least not after his involvement with Dr. Agard.“You thought about it?” she asked, still in disbelief.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Marching to her and kneeling in front of her, he took her hands in his and looked deep into her hazel eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to bring you peace.”With a small lift at the corners of her mouth, he saw that she never really wanted anything but him by her side, and that’s the only thing he ever wished for.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would you consider going there with me?” she asked, as if there was any other answer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d go to the ends of the earth with you, if you want me to,” he explained with a tilt of his head,as if they had been saying these things to each other all along.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know how long it will take and...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Donna, you’re not asking, I’m telling you that if you let me, I want to go with you.” With a broad smile, she nodded, accepting his offer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know, England is not the end of the earth,” she told him with a shrug and a teasing smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, but it’s cold, so it is pretty much the ends of the earth,” he retorted, standing up. “But we’re going,”  he said, settling the case.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>Maybe, if we find what we're looking for, we could stay a bit longer. Take a break, just us...</span>
  <span>” she suggested. “You know that’s Shakespeare’s land, and I’d really like to indulge myself with lots of theater.” Turning the faucet off and pouring some bath salts in the water, she faced him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This sounds like a perfect vacation </span>
  <em>
    <span>for you</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he replied in faux annoyance, albeit wanting nothing other than spending time with her, even if it was in theaters and art galleries.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t give me that eye roll, mister,” she reprehended. “Who said there won’t be anything to indulge you there too?” Mischief and a fire behind her gaze made him gulp, as her smart fingers teased the hems of his boxers, pulling it down expertly. “You see, there are many ways to keep warm in a cold country and one of them might be of your interest,” she argued, looking up at him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“If I poured my heart out would you leave it on the floor,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Or would you pick it up and place it in your chest for me? (So I can be immortal)</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And when you play my song, would you just pass it along,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Continue to love me even when I'm gone? (So I can be immortal)”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>(Krizz Kaliko - Immortal)</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After some time, Donna found herself almost dosing off on Harvey’s chest in the bath. With her back to him, his legs were on either side of her body while the water did its magic.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know I’ll never forgive myself for not going after you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” she asked him, still with closed eyes and drawing patterns on his thigh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Had I believed in myself, I could’ve saved you. Even before that scar was made.” With a sigh, he enveloped her tighter in his arms and dropped his head on her shoulder, inhaling her scent mixed with the bath salts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, don’t do that to yourself,” she begged. “I wish I could leave everything behind, but first we need to face what’s happened and I don’t want you blaming yourself for it while we do that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll try.” He said turning her around in the tub and taking her face in his hands, making a silent promise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She looked at him and guessed that putting himself first would never not be a habit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Harvey, if it’s too painful I can go alone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> “The only hard thing is being without you,” he stated, knowing that as long as they have each other, nothing would be as bad as he feared.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Looking into his eyes, she decided to ask what was still bugging her about his decision to leave the night she disappeared. “Why did you leave? When you told me you loved me. I mean, I wanted to ask you how you loved me, but… I never got that chance.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He took a deep breath and seemed to ponder her question for a few moments. As always, she waited for him to be ready, patiently drawing patterns on his naked chest and seeing the droplets of water race down back to the water. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought it would’ve been a mistake. I assumed if I stayed, we would break your rule and you would leave me.” He expelled a tired breath and shook his head. “Look at where it led us. I mean… I was so stupid and I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to tell you how I loved you then, but once it hit me that I had lost you without saying what you actually meant to me…” He closed his eyes and Donna saw his jaw clench, as if he was in pain, and he probably was. She guessed they both had some healing to do. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, it’s okay,” she assured him, taking his face in her hands and closing the space between them. Moving to straddle him, she captured his lips in a searing kiss, the same kind a person gives another to heal an invisible wound. “I’m here now,” she told him with their mouths still touching. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you because you’re everything to me. You’re my compass and I can’t be me without you. I will spend the rest of my days trying to be worthy of you. I just need you in my life. Anyway you want me to be in yours, I will. I just hope it’s like this...” It sounded almost sureal as he pulled her closer and she felt just how much he wanted her, but his eyes were querying her, as if he didn’t know the answer already.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t you see? You’ve always been worthy of me. All I’ve ever wanted was to be with you and for you to want me back.” She returned a watery smile and started to play with the short strands of his hair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve always wanted you, Donna.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After showing how much both craved each other and when the water was getting cold, leaving both bodies wrinkled and relaxed, they dried off and decided to order some Thai and eat it in the bedroom. Both letting their conversation flow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It felt completely natural, as if they were burning the midnight oil in the office too many years ago. It felt like they were exactly where they were supposed to be. Laughing about a cat Louis had gotten that absolutely hated the man; talking about a particularly interesting and difficult case Harvey faced while working in the clinic with Mike; discussing Donna’s mother’s complete obsession to know where she was at all times since she came back, and her father calling every other day; and more importantly, how he made amends with his own mother thinking that’s what Donna would want him to do if she were there.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their banter and witty comments were like they never even stopped. However, their flirting went up a notch and their now free hands allowed some touching here and there over their scarce clothing, so much so that soon both were in each other’s embrace again, leaving the now cold food aside to heat up the room in a different way.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The next day, Harvey woke up with kisses running down his neck and chest. A smile graced his features when he remembered where he was and with whom. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don…” he groaned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Morning, handsome.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A good morning indeed.” He released a breath while closing his eyes and placed his fist gently around her hair to encourage her ministrations.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a few minutes of making up for lost time, both sated bodies decided to have some much needed breakfast before heading to the firm and break the news they were leaving to the managing partner. They knew it would be necessary to work some overtime to get everything ready before going to Europe, but not even some extra work would burst their little bubble. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will hand over some clients to Louis and work remotely on other cases that aren’t so important,” he explained more to himself than the redhead rummaging through the kitchen cabinets. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just have some paperwork to go through and I can help you with your clients.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She tried to reach the vanilla bottle on the top shelf, gifting Harvey with the amazing view of her bare freckled legs. His hands twitched on the counter, wanting to touch her until he remembered he could do just that. “As much as I loved you as my secretary, I think I can manage,” he murmured in her ear, running his open palms along both her thighs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” She asked in between whimpers, dropping her head back against his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am. Besides, I think I’ll work better without you teasing me.” He smirked and took the bottle from her hand turning her around so he could place her on the counter and kiss </span>
  <span>where he opened his dress shirt, revealing her chest</span>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That never seemed to be a problem before.” She told him in a mocking and questioning tone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, before I had to control myself, but now that I don’t need to I feel like it will be impossible to keep my hands to myself. With you in my line of vision with all those high heels and tight dresses of yours...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re an idiot,” she snorted and hopped off the counter, </span>
  <span>pushing his hands away so she could save the coffee that was starting to burn</span>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you think about pancakes?” He asked after a few moments just ogling the love of his life. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you make them?” She turned around with a raised brow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, but I know just the place,” he shrugged and added, “we can go to the hotel so I can grab a change of clothes and then have breakfast.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His suggestion sounded appealing to her, so she nodded and told him she would just get dressed and they could go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After having some very much needed brunch at Nougatine, they headed to the firm hand in hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The day was very busy for the couple. Both asked for some time off and promised to settle everything before their trip. With the promise of getting the name Specter on the wall once he and Donna returned from England, </span>
  <span>Jessica put her plans to leave for Chicago on hold, not indefinitely, but the managing partner suspected the news of her leaving wouldn't affect Harvey as badly now he was committed to the woman he loved.  “You finally got your head out of your ass, Specter.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Mike and Rachel were over the moon with the news and Louis ended up needing a day, but mostly, everyone already expected them to be together once the trial and paperwork were finished and all the other victims were secure so the pair could get some kind of closure. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harvey and Donna really didn’t know if they would ever end up in each other’s arms. Sure, they could only hope for it, but never thought they would be that lucky. Donna didn’t know what her future would be like, nor what the last few yers she was missing would tell her, but she knew that as long as she had Harvey with her, she could face anything.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: I can’t be me if I don’t give credit where credit is due, so here comes some acknowledgments. </p>
<p>Cassie, this year was challenging on so many levels, but meeting you kept me sane. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for the amazing Beta-ing and friendship you provided me throughout this journey. You believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself and inspired me to leave my comfort zone, and for that you’ll forever have a place in my heart. </p>
<p>Flor, thank you for all the crazy conversations and silly pictures. You made me laugh and encouraged me when I felt like giving up. I love talking to you about everything and anything. You have such an amazing heart and I’m very lucky to call you a friend.</p>
<p>Dad, I know you probably will never read this bc of language barrier and all, but you’re my heart and my soul. I could never be me without our conversations about books and literature. You push me to be better and never once you doubted me. So my first, and all the other ones to come, silly trashy-tacky stories go to you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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